Thursday, January 5, 2012

How Phobic Are you?

Have you noticed how often people get accused of being "-phobic" about something? What used to be a suffix with a specific clinical definition has become a label that instantly dismisses someone's objections as being rooted in fear and, therefore, groundless. The term has wormed it's way into popular culture which, through it's over-use as a rather patronizing attack against critics, has bled it of any real meaning. You don't like KFC? You must be pullusophobic! Don't like me stealing from your store? How can you be so kleptophobic? Then I started to wonder....what kinds of "-phobics" would describe some classic monster movie stars?

Frankenstein's monster-obviously pyrophobic, what with all those torches being swung at him. Clearly, he didn't appreciate the villager's friendly attempts to show him how to write his name against the night sky. Therapy: Listen to The Doors try to set his night on fire.

King Kong-aeroplanophobic! fear of airplanes! Typical "luddite" reaction when introduced to a new technology-destroy it! Obviously, Kong's son thought him seriously out-of-date, which probably inspired him to dye himself white in rejection of his father's archaic and patronizing attitudes. Therapy: hug a carry-on.

Sinbad-cyclophobic! How else would you describe his aversion to the Cyclops in 7th Voyage? Of course, one could recommend he "get in touch with his inner cyclops", but that would just cause all kinds of potential trouble. Therapy: try to really dig monocles

Captain Patrick Hendry-vegetaphobic! The hero from The Thing from Another World obviously had "issues" with high fibre greens, and may have even struck out with a comely vegan at some point. Therapy: take anger out on "comedian" carrot top.

Major Cummings: cephaloreperophobic! The lead in "Fiend Without a Face" obviously had an irrational bias against crawling brains, as evidenced by his hyper-aggresive behavior towards those shy and misunderstood little critters who only wanted to jump up and hug him! Therapy: embrace his inner cauliflower


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