Monday, May 24, 2010

The alternate title was "Barroom Blintz"

Here's a little re-wording of the "classic" song by Sweet, Barroom Blitz

Bingo Blitz (with apologies to Sweet)

Are you ready, Steve? What?.
Andy? Huh?
Mick? Eh?
Alright, fellas, let's go!

Oh my artieries are so hard
Livin' with the pills they sell to me, aha
Oh my dreams are getting so strange
Getting up six times at night to pee

Oh, I have a sore back
As a matter of fact my eyes are red as the sun
And a girl with the walker used to fly a Fokker
'Cause she flew in WW1

Oh, yeah, it was like lightning, my chest was tightening
And the music was soothing, and my bowels started grooving
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

And the man at the back said
I'm having an attack and it turned into a Bingo blitz
And the girl in the corner said
Have you seen my warmer?, it'll turn into a Bingo blitz
Bingo blitz, Bingo blitz, Bingo blitz, Bingo blitz

I'm reaching out to switch off...
Using the Clapper's all I ever do
Oh, I softly call you over
By the time you hear I can't remember you,

Now the man with the back
That's ready to crack as he lower his hands to the sea
And the girl in the chair with the lavender hair
Had it paid for by AARP
My hearing aid's electric, how do I connect it?
And the kids started leaving, 'cause we all stopped breathing


Hey what was that, lightning?, my chest is still tightening
But the Fibre was soothing, and my bowels started moving
It's it's a Bingo blitz, it's it's a Bingo blitz
It's it's a Bingo blitz, yeah, it's a Bingo blitz

Monday, May 10, 2010

Things I Learned this Week

Every day can be a learning experience if you give it a chance. I decided to try to recall what I learned that expanded my overall knowledge of, and appreciation for, my little corner of creation.

My friend's cat, "Molson" likes to steal wallets. I don't know if it's part of my friend's retirement plan, but if so, it's a darn clever one

Tap dancing is a heck of a lot harder than it looks. If I wasn't awed by people like Fred Astaire, Gener Kelly or Ann Miller before, I bow down to them now. Imagine running a marathon while smiling (and not sweating), making people think you are not expending any energy at all, and you have tap dancing.

My girlfriend does an awesome impersonation of Dr Who as played by David Tennant. She's able to mimic his expression absolutely perfectly, and with little-to-no preparation time needed. Convention scene, here we come.

Like Hannibal Smith from the A Team, I also "love it when a plan comes together". This week I went to a UPS store with some images on one of those little memory-stick thingies left here by aliens (I'm sorry, there's no way a speices that can't even pick up it's own garbage can independently invent a small black square that holds thousands of encyclopedias worth of knowledge). My plan was to print them out on 11 x 17 paper and they ALL turned out better than I thought. Apart from being able to save them to the alien stick in the first place, I was pretty jacked about my success here.

First I thought: Mother's Day must be a bit of a let-down for Mom. No matter what you do for her, it's probably going to leave you feeling like you haven't done enough to celebrate Mom's efforts for you over your lifespan. Then I thought: Mom is getting some gifts, a free meal AND instilling a little residual guilt in her offspring. Mother's Day actually works perfectly.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Rally Round the Flag ??

For the most part, I like flags. They are a tangible representation of pride in one's country, community or organization. Many flags use a number of traditional heraldic devices and images, giving them a timeless look. Sometimes, though, a community seems to have an artistic grand mal seizure, and produce a civic emblem that is neither artistic nor inspirational (unless you count slight stomach upset as a type of inspiration). Here's a few that I have recently seen. Keep in mind my comments have nothing to do with the good folks who live in these places.

The first one is from the district of Hudson's Hope B.C. Probably a friendly little place, with salmon leaping joyfully out of the streams and onto the resident's barbeques, while kitchen taps dispense Red or White wines, rather than Hot or Cold water. What struck me about this one was the motto: "Land of Dinosaurs and Dams". WOW! Was this a statement of civic pride or a warning to unwary travellers? Is this the only alliterative motto in B.C., or are there others? (Kelowna, Land of Kitchens and Ken dolls)

The next is from Flin Flon Manitoba. This is one of a group I like to call the "corporate logo" school of flags. Looking at it, you may suspect Flin Flon is a mine and a pine tree stuck in the middle of a lake. Just having the words "Flin Flon" in such a plain type on the flag makes me think they were going to add the phrase "what of it?", but didn't want it to look too crowded. Flin Flon is actually a pretty cool place, with a wonderful statue of a fictional character after which the town was named. I wish more towns had the guts to name themselves after completely unreal characters. I, personally, would love to live in "Yoda, Manitoba", and would insist on helping design the flag for that one.

Number three is the city of Calgary, a bustling, modern, heavily urbanized centre that should have had more foresite than to have Pac-Man chewing on a cowboy hat as their flag. Oh sure, I know Calgary likes to promote it's cowboy-ish heritage, and the Calgary Stampede brings millions of dollars and hundreds of cattle to the city. But really, doesn't it look a little bit more like a placemat than a flag?

The fourth continues the "Pac-man" theme. This time Alma, Quebec combines the abstract with the sensual, as their flag looks like the passionate coupling of Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man. Perhaps this is where they went away for their honeymoon? Does Alma have a surplus of dots, fruits and pretzels floating down their streets that attracted these famous celebrities? Only Alma knows for sure.

Finally, we have the flag of Lethbridge Alberta. I'm not sure what to call this one, but the old "cubes and stripes" comes to mind. I've tried to see something of the city in the design of the flag (a fort? a cow? a letter "L"?), but the only thing that comes to mind is their proximity to the United States. Maybe this was one of those "better safe than sorry" civic decisions at a time when it looked like the country may be in danger of breaking up (no, no, we're ACTUALLY part of the States, see??)