Comic Ads Part Deux

If you read this blog you've already seen my previous post regarding the wonder and mystery of some of the comic book ads I saw as a kid. In all fairness, these were only the ads I'd see in copies of Spiderman, The Flash, or Magnus, Robot Fighter. There was, however, an alternate world of comic ads, one aimed at the predominantly feminine audience found among the readers of Archie comics!

Archie, of couse, is that perpetually teenage carrot-top with the odd cross-hatching scratched on the side of his head. Abley assisted by his friend with the tape-worm, Jughead, and pursued by the uber-feminine Betty and Veronica, Archie indulged in hilarious "hi-jinx" that ranged from getting his "japoly" working to fighting crime and solving mysteries (though the mystery of Jughead's orientation, a topic of debates for generations, has never been satisfactorally solved). Guys would occasionally read Archie comics; while waiting for a hair-cut (if there were no copies of "Sgt. Rock" or "Kid Colt, Outlaw" available) or to pass the time at the cabin until the rain stopped, but for the most part it was the girls who enjoyed reading about what they could expect when they reached High School (boys just read about what they could expect if they were bombarded with cosmic rays, which seemed infinitely more useful to us at the time).

Consequently, the ads in Archie comics tended to be aimed more towards young girls who were eager to begin lives as happy and popular young women. In order to do this, they apparently needed to be equipped with "sassy sayings" pendants, to let the world know if they were "Hot Stuff", a "Foxy Lady" or a "Super Chick". Some, like "His" and Hers" seemed to be aimed at young Juliets who already had a Romeo in tow. My personal favorite of the group is "Tennis Bum", an endearment that suggests both hair that is tragically too big, and shorts that are tragically too small.

Needing "Longer Nails" seemed to be an urget health issue, so the next ads offered
"Longer Nails in Minutes". For only $1.98, the unfortunate girl could transform her nails that are "cracked", "ugly" and an abomination to all that's decent, into glamorous back-scratchers that would be the envy of the sandbox set. Unlike her class-mates, pets, or clergy, "sta-long" nails would truly be a "girl's best friend".

But one doesn't really want to grow up too fast. To help retain that childhood innocence, the reader also had the option of buying 100 dolls! "Don't shake your head in disbelief, It's True!" the ad promised; each guaranteed to be made of "genuine styrene and synthetic rubber". Everything from baby dolls, dancing dolls, cowboy dolls and "foreign" dolls were promised, the last possibly being espionage dolls sent by a foreign power to steal our styrene secrets.

Like the monsterous ads, I never actually met a kid who ordered any of these, but I knew a lot who wanted to. Oddly enough, few were "tennis bums" or "hot stuff".

Comic Ads

For me, as a kid, the enjoyment of reading comics was in perusing the ads at the back of the book. I never sent away for anything, and I certainly never new what "Grit" was or how on Earth anyone could sell it. What they did teach me was a healthy consumer skepticism that still serves me to this day. I should send away for my own submarine that fires a polaris missile! But wait, something in that picture doesn't look right....that's too small to be a real polaris missile!! Buy 500 toy soldiers in their own foot locker? Waitaminit... what would I do with a foot locker??? here's some of my faves (pictured)

Look Fellows!! The clarion call of of the "Grit kid", urging young entrepeneurs to win cool prizes like baseball gloves and polaris missiles if only, oh Lord if only, they could sell something called "Grit". I've never seena a copy of "Grit", though I have to admit I was occasionally tempted by the picture of the obviously prosperous and contemporary-looking chap in the photo. Unfortunately, my appetite to win pocket knives and bicyle lamps that looked like half-asleep eyes wasn't enough for me to send the coupon.

48" Talking Monster from Outer Space. I have to admit, the pricey $1.00 fee was certainly an obsticle to the purchase of this beast, but what really turned me off was the fact he had a prominant navel, which I felt no self-respecting space monster would ever display. That, plus what I later learned were called it's "jazz hands", soured the deal for me big time.

X-Ray Specs. Certainly the greatest invention of all time! I never bought these through the comics, but i did eventualy get a pair in a novelty shop years later. Who cares if their effective range was from your face to your hand (if you held your hand up to a high-intensity lamp), those hypno-spiral paper "lenses" makes wearing these the fashion coup of any social event or church function!

Monster-size monsters. For a buck a piece, another expensive prospect. These didn't talk, but their glow-in-the-dark feature was an almost irresistable hook. The Frankenstein monster looked intriguing, but that skeleton kept on truckin'! I always pictured him, strutting through my room like Mick Jagger, eyes glowing and "altertness lines" radiating from his skull, as if to say "I know what's going on...and I'm a skeleton!" Luckily for me, I never had the dollar to send away for skellie or his friends, or I would have learned he was only a poster, and unable to display the funkiness his ad promised. Sometimes consumer lessons are best learned from a distance.