Mission to Mars-my first film

Here's a link to my first-ever attampt to make a cheezy 50's sci-fi film. It was strung together with random memories of half-a-dozen actual films, including Rocketship XM and Missile to the Moon. AGF supplied the voice of all the women, and I popped the corn for the meteor storm. Here we go and please remember...it's supposed to look cheezy!

Here's that link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcyBasVFMlQ

Rediscovered! Elmer the Safety Elephant!

I just returned from a trip to one of my favorite stores of all time, "United Unlimited", the "King Solomon's Mine" of the surplus, off-price, factory second and just plain bizzare. Want some of those "Spice World" or "Backstreet Boys" trading cards? Looking for a set of furry handcuffs? Need ten bras but only have a dollar? "United Unlimited" is the place for you!

Today I was lucky enough to find two vintage school workbooks (the "Mammoth Practice Book"...only 10 cents!!), and on the back I found an old friend...Elmer the Safety Elephant. To those too young to remember, Elmer was a perky little elephant with a "Lord Fauntleroy" collar and tie and, if that didn't make him "cool" enough to us school kids, displayed his name on a sailor cap on his head! To me he always looked like an image you'd find on a popcorn box, but I guess Elmer was capable of multi-tasking.

Elmer was found in every school, decorating walls with safety-first-type posters reminding us to "look both ways before crossing streets" and when there was no sidewalk (a real problem in those days) to walk on the left-hand side....FACING traffic. I clearly remember this being stressed....FACE the TRAFFIC. A few wags suggested is was so you could see who was about to run you down, but those negative nellies didn't discourage the rest of us. The safety tips from the back of this work-book were typical of the art and tone of those posters. I especially like # 2-KEEP OUT from between parked cars. It looks like the poor bloke in the plaid cap is ignoring the threat of parking in front of an Edsel. I also like #4-Play games in SAFE places away from traffic. It kind of looks like this SAFE place is in front of a plate-glass window, but at least it was away from traffic.

I remember that schools who demonstrated excellence in traffic safety were awarded by flying Elmer's flag above it, the safety elephant himself looking down joyfully at all the kiddies WALKING when they left curbs, and riding their bikes SAFELY. I don't think our school ever got to fly Elmer's flag, but that's OK. If only he would have left us some popcorn.

ROAD TRIP! My odd-yssy to Monster Bash 2010

Well another Monster Bash has come and gone. In case you hadn't heard of it, Monster Bash is an annual classic Horror/Science Fiction movie convention that takes place in Bulter Pennsylvania each year. This was my fourth year attending but my first a) with my brother and b) driving there and back again. Here are just a few thoughts and observations of the trip:

Day 1-Minneapolis-perhaps appropriately, there is a thick fog on the highway for the first 45 minutes out of town, and not just in our heads. There was a classic late 40's-early 50's Mercury pick-up truck parked on my street when I left. I took this to be a good omen, as it lokked just like the truck used by the linemen in "It Came From Outer Space", just before they are absorbed by the one-eyed alien. Did I say a good sign?

The trip itself was uneventful, but there were delays around Minneapolis due to construction on their speedways, er , freeways. The motel was Ok, but the staff was surley and the phone in the room didn't work. I won't rat them out by saying their name, needless to say it is a motel chain numbered somewhere between 5 and 7.

Day 1-Chicago-I like to call this "hell day". Actually it was more like "hell afternoon" as the morning was quite nice. Drove through Wisconsin, a refugium for cheese and fireworks stores (we actually used this as an exclamation..."cheese and fireworks!!"...we hope it will catch on better than "gee whiz"). Also plently of big-box porn stores along the highway. Played "what's that smell" several times. The cow, pictured above, was from a cheese store in said state. I love Wisconsin.

Afternoon, approached the Chicago freeway system with well-deserved dread. It seems like construction and detours are the name of the game this year, and we wound up getting lost TWICE before we actually reached our motel. Saw endless signs for "Krazy Klein" the firework king, offering "buy one get SIX free"! The sign directing us to our motel was about 4 feet high and approxmately the size of a shoe box (again, the motel chain number between 5 and 7). The TV in the room didn't work, the staff was again surley, and we were caught in a torrential downpour after walking next-door to have dinner. After we reached our TV-less room, the power went off briefly, leaving us laughing a lot like Lionel Atwill in one of the movies we love to watch.

Day 3-back-tracked through a toll-gate to get out of Chicago, but otherwise a nice smooth trip across Indiana and Ohio to get to Pennsylvania. Saw the best road name ever: Fangboner Road. I would LOVE to live on "Fangboner Road"

Day 4-5-6: MONTER BASH Always a great time, but the Bash seemed a little subdued this year. Got to meet Julie Adams from "Creature from the Black Lagoon" and Ann Robinson from "War of the Worlds". Watched the Mexican schlock classic "Little Read Riding Hood Meets the Monsters" and listened to UFO researcher Stan Gordon talk for what seemed like 6 hours on the "kecksburg" incident and how UFO's and Bigfoot (Bigfoots? Bigfeet?) seem to be related. Mused at the irony that EVRY ONE of his slides seemd to be blurry. Didn't sleep much, but had a great time!

Day 7-END RUN AROUND CHICAGO-we REALLY didn't want to be trapped in Chicago and environs so we booted it across the border back into Wisconsin. Stayed at a larger-numbered motel chain (between 7 and 9) and watched public-access political opinion panels from Kenowsha (should smoking be banned in restaurants and bars? Didn't we go through this about 10 years ago?) Saw a sign for the greatest recreational facility in the world: the "Bong Recreational park". Oh yeah.

Day 8-END RUN AROUND MINNEAPOLIS-again, trying to avoid the freeway experience. I think I understand why some people go "postal" if they have to deal with that every day of their lives. Stayed in St. Cloud for the night, home of the St. Cloud River Bats (great logo, a baseball bat with little bat wings. I thought I could hear people singing " tra-lah-tra-lee-hocus pocus")

Day 9-home again home again. The border crossings were acually quite civilized going both ways. Driving at 60kph in the city felt like I was walking slowly. Home safe and ready for next year!

The alternate title was "Barroom Blintz"

Here's a little re-wording of the "classic" song by Sweet, Barroom Blitz

Bingo Blitz (with apologies to Sweet)

Are you ready, Steve? What?.
Andy? Huh?
Mick? Eh?
Alright, fellas, let's go!

Oh my artieries are so hard
Livin' with the pills they sell to me, aha
Oh my dreams are getting so strange
Getting up six times at night to pee

Oh, I have a sore back
As a matter of fact my eyes are red as the sun
And a girl with the walker used to fly a Fokker
'Cause she flew in WW1

Oh, yeah, it was like lightning, my chest was tightening
And the music was soothing, and my bowels started grooving
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

And the man at the back said
I'm having an attack and it turned into a Bingo blitz
And the girl in the corner said
Have you seen my warmer?, it'll turn into a Bingo blitz
Bingo blitz, Bingo blitz, Bingo blitz, Bingo blitz

I'm reaching out to switch off...
Using the Clapper's all I ever do
Oh, I softly call you over
By the time you hear I can't remember you,
aha

Now the man with the back
That's ready to crack as he lower his hands to the sea
And the girl in the chair with the lavender hair
Had it paid for by AARP
My hearing aid's electric, how do I connect it?
And the kids started leaving, 'cause we all stopped breathing

Refrain

Hey what was that, lightning?, my chest is still tightening
But the Fibre was soothing, and my bowels started moving
Refrain
It's it's a Bingo blitz, it's it's a Bingo blitz
It's it's a Bingo blitz, yeah, it's a Bingo blitz

Things I Learned this Week

Every day can be a learning experience if you give it a chance. I decided to try to recall what I learned that expanded my overall knowledge of, and appreciation for, my little corner of creation.

My friend's cat, "Molson" likes to steal wallets. I don't know if it's part of my friend's retirement plan, but if so, it's a darn clever one

Tap dancing is a heck of a lot harder than it looks. If I wasn't awed by people like Fred Astaire, Gener Kelly or Ann Miller before, I bow down to them now. Imagine running a marathon while smiling (and not sweating), making people think you are not expending any energy at all, and you have tap dancing.

My girlfriend does an awesome impersonation of Dr Who as played by David Tennant. She's able to mimic his expression absolutely perfectly, and with little-to-no preparation time needed. Convention scene, here we come.

Like Hannibal Smith from the A Team, I also "love it when a plan comes together". This week I went to a UPS store with some images on one of those little memory-stick thingies left here by aliens (I'm sorry, there's no way a speices that can't even pick up it's own garbage can independently invent a small black square that holds thousands of encyclopedias worth of knowledge). My plan was to print them out on 11 x 17 paper and they ALL turned out better than I thought. Apart from being able to save them to the alien stick in the first place, I was pretty jacked about my success here.

First I thought: Mother's Day must be a bit of a let-down for Mom. No matter what you do for her, it's probably going to leave you feeling like you haven't done enough to celebrate Mom's efforts for you over your lifespan. Then I thought: Mom is getting some gifts, a free meal AND instilling a little residual guilt in her offspring. Mother's Day actually works perfectly.

Rally Round the Flag ??

For the most part, I like flags. They are a tangible representation of pride in one's country, community or organization. Many flags use a number of traditional heraldic devices and images, giving them a timeless look. Sometimes, though, a community seems to have an artistic grand mal seizure, and produce a civic emblem that is neither artistic nor inspirational (unless you count slight stomach upset as a type of inspiration). Here's a few that I have recently seen. Keep in mind my comments have nothing to do with the good folks who live in these places.

The first one is from the district of Hudson's Hope B.C. Probably a friendly little place, with salmon leaping joyfully out of the streams and onto the resident's barbeques, while kitchen taps dispense Red or White wines, rather than Hot or Cold water. What struck me about this one was the motto: "Land of Dinosaurs and Dams". WOW! Was this a statement of civic pride or a warning to unwary travellers? Is this the only alliterative motto in B.C., or are there others? (Kelowna, Land of Kitchens and Ken dolls)

The next is from Flin Flon Manitoba. This is one of a group I like to call the "corporate logo" school of flags. Looking at it, you may suspect Flin Flon is a mine and a pine tree stuck in the middle of a lake. Just having the words "Flin Flon" in such a plain type on the flag makes me think they were going to add the phrase "what of it?", but didn't want it to look too crowded. Flin Flon is actually a pretty cool place, with a wonderful statue of a fictional character after which the town was named. I wish more towns had the guts to name themselves after completely unreal characters. I, personally, would love to live in "Yoda, Manitoba", and would insist on helping design the flag for that one.

Number three is the city of Calgary, a bustling, modern, heavily urbanized centre that should have had more foresite than to have Pac-Man chewing on a cowboy hat as their flag. Oh sure, I know Calgary likes to promote it's cowboy-ish heritage, and the Calgary Stampede brings millions of dollars and hundreds of cattle to the city. But really, doesn't it look a little bit more like a placemat than a flag?

The fourth continues the "Pac-man" theme. This time Alma, Quebec combines the abstract with the sensual, as their flag looks like the passionate coupling of Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man. Perhaps this is where they went away for their honeymoon? Does Alma have a surplus of dots, fruits and pretzels floating down their streets that attracted these famous celebrities? Only Alma knows for sure.

Finally, we have the flag of Lethbridge Alberta. I'm not sure what to call this one, but the old "cubes and stripes" comes to mind. I've tried to see something of the city in the design of the flag (a fort? a cow? a letter "L"?), but the only thing that comes to mind is their proximity to the United States. Maybe this was one of those "better safe than sorry" civic decisions at a time when it looked like the country may be in danger of breaking up (no, no, we're ACTUALLY part of the States, see??)

I LOVED THAT COMMERCIAL!!

Lately I've seen a couple of TV commercials that actually impressed me with their sheer audacity and entertainment value. No, I'm not talking about that mayonaisse commercial where an obnoxious group of young pretties spasms around at a rooftop party while the announcer tries to sell you on the idea that eating that brand of mayo makes you the most daring thing since the flapper. (They're eating MAYO? ...on a SANDWICH???? why they're so radical and "in my face"! I'll abandon everything I thought I knew and start a cult in their honor)

On commercial that made an impression with me was for....wait for it...an "egg cracker"! Have you seen this? The first time I saw it I was waiting for the evidence that it was some kind of joke, but it never came. Apparently someone came up with the ultimate kitchen gadget, a device that will crack eggs "perfectly" every time. The announcer starts by reminding us of the shame we felt over the poorly cracked eggs in our past, and asks if we are "tired" of finding egg shells in our omlettes (as a woman spits them out disgustedly to prove the point) or of having to wipe up those egg spills on the stove (ain't THAT the truth). Well, with Mr. Lickedy-Split (or whatever it was called), you no longer have to live in fear of hen fruit. The offer also came with (and I'm not lying about any of this) a device to scramble your eggs while they are still INSIDE THE SHELL!!! Land o' Lakes, what a device! It looked like a little pen you jam into the bottom of the egg to swirl up the contents before using the egg craker to dispense them sanitarily into your fry pan. And you can get BOTH of these for....wait for it...."TWO EASY PAYMENTS OF TEN DOLLARS"!!!! Now realitically, the only people who would have THAT much problem with eggs either lack opposable thumbs or have tried to have their dog crack their eggs for them. For the sheet stones it takes to sell such a product, though, I LOVED THAT COMMERCIAL!

The other was for Old Spice body wash. It started with a young male model type wearing a towel and a smile as he speaks to you from a sauna. He asks the ladies watching "look at me....now look at your husband....now look at ME again.." We quickly see he is Mr. Smug humorously personified, as he tells the ladies that, while hubby may never match his uber-glam male beauty, they can SMELL like him with the Old Spice Body Wash. This commercial was REALLY well filmed, as Mr. Smug walks from the sauna onto the deck of a ship, frequently calling up examples of things that drive the women-folk mad (e.g. "two tickets to that thing you want to see") and the similar effect the body wash will have with the poor shmoe husbands out there. The point made and pitch finished, Mr. Smug ends by pointing out "I'm on a horse". After seeing this commercial for the first time I had to pause for a couple of seconds deciding if I liked it or not. As it turned out...I LOVED THAT COMMERCIAL!