The alternate title was "Barroom Blintz"

Here's a little re-wording of the "classic" song by Sweet, Barroom Blitz

Bingo Blitz (with apologies to Sweet)

Are you ready, Steve? What?.
Andy? Huh?
Mick? Eh?
Alright, fellas, let's go!

Oh my artieries are so hard
Livin' with the pills they sell to me, aha
Oh my dreams are getting so strange
Getting up six times at night to pee

Oh, I have a sore back
As a matter of fact my eyes are red as the sun
And a girl with the walker used to fly a Fokker
'Cause she flew in WW1

Oh, yeah, it was like lightning, my chest was tightening
And the music was soothing, and my bowels started grooving
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

And the man at the back said
I'm having an attack and it turned into a Bingo blitz
And the girl in the corner said
Have you seen my warmer?, it'll turn into a Bingo blitz
Bingo blitz, Bingo blitz, Bingo blitz, Bingo blitz

I'm reaching out to switch off...
Using the Clapper's all I ever do
Oh, I softly call you over
By the time you hear I can't remember you,
aha

Now the man with the back
That's ready to crack as he lower his hands to the sea
And the girl in the chair with the lavender hair
Had it paid for by AARP
My hearing aid's electric, how do I connect it?
And the kids started leaving, 'cause we all stopped breathing

Refrain

Hey what was that, lightning?, my chest is still tightening
But the Fibre was soothing, and my bowels started moving
Refrain
It's it's a Bingo blitz, it's it's a Bingo blitz
It's it's a Bingo blitz, yeah, it's a Bingo blitz

Things I Learned this Week

Every day can be a learning experience if you give it a chance. I decided to try to recall what I learned that expanded my overall knowledge of, and appreciation for, my little corner of creation.

My friend's cat, "Molson" likes to steal wallets. I don't know if it's part of my friend's retirement plan, but if so, it's a darn clever one

Tap dancing is a heck of a lot harder than it looks. If I wasn't awed by people like Fred Astaire, Gener Kelly or Ann Miller before, I bow down to them now. Imagine running a marathon while smiling (and not sweating), making people think you are not expending any energy at all, and you have tap dancing.

My girlfriend does an awesome impersonation of Dr Who as played by David Tennant. She's able to mimic his expression absolutely perfectly, and with little-to-no preparation time needed. Convention scene, here we come.

Like Hannibal Smith from the A Team, I also "love it when a plan comes together". This week I went to a UPS store with some images on one of those little memory-stick thingies left here by aliens (I'm sorry, there's no way a speices that can't even pick up it's own garbage can independently invent a small black square that holds thousands of encyclopedias worth of knowledge). My plan was to print them out on 11 x 17 paper and they ALL turned out better than I thought. Apart from being able to save them to the alien stick in the first place, I was pretty jacked about my success here.

First I thought: Mother's Day must be a bit of a let-down for Mom. No matter what you do for her, it's probably going to leave you feeling like you haven't done enough to celebrate Mom's efforts for you over your lifespan. Then I thought: Mom is getting some gifts, a free meal AND instilling a little residual guilt in her offspring. Mother's Day actually works perfectly.

Rally Round the Flag ??

For the most part, I like flags. They are a tangible representation of pride in one's country, community or organization. Many flags use a number of traditional heraldic devices and images, giving them a timeless look. Sometimes, though, a community seems to have an artistic grand mal seizure, and produce a civic emblem that is neither artistic nor inspirational (unless you count slight stomach upset as a type of inspiration). Here's a few that I have recently seen. Keep in mind my comments have nothing to do with the good folks who live in these places.

The first one is from the district of Hudson's Hope B.C. Probably a friendly little place, with salmon leaping joyfully out of the streams and onto the resident's barbeques, while kitchen taps dispense Red or White wines, rather than Hot or Cold water. What struck me about this one was the motto: "Land of Dinosaurs and Dams". WOW! Was this a statement of civic pride or a warning to unwary travellers? Is this the only alliterative motto in B.C., or are there others? (Kelowna, Land of Kitchens and Ken dolls)

The next is from Flin Flon Manitoba. This is one of a group I like to call the "corporate logo" school of flags. Looking at it, you may suspect Flin Flon is a mine and a pine tree stuck in the middle of a lake. Just having the words "Flin Flon" in such a plain type on the flag makes me think they were going to add the phrase "what of it?", but didn't want it to look too crowded. Flin Flon is actually a pretty cool place, with a wonderful statue of a fictional character after which the town was named. I wish more towns had the guts to name themselves after completely unreal characters. I, personally, would love to live in "Yoda, Manitoba", and would insist on helping design the flag for that one.

Number three is the city of Calgary, a bustling, modern, heavily urbanized centre that should have had more foresite than to have Pac-Man chewing on a cowboy hat as their flag. Oh sure, I know Calgary likes to promote it's cowboy-ish heritage, and the Calgary Stampede brings millions of dollars and hundreds of cattle to the city. But really, doesn't it look a little bit more like a placemat than a flag?

The fourth continues the "Pac-man" theme. This time Alma, Quebec combines the abstract with the sensual, as their flag looks like the passionate coupling of Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man. Perhaps this is where they went away for their honeymoon? Does Alma have a surplus of dots, fruits and pretzels floating down their streets that attracted these famous celebrities? Only Alma knows for sure.

Finally, we have the flag of Lethbridge Alberta. I'm not sure what to call this one, but the old "cubes and stripes" comes to mind. I've tried to see something of the city in the design of the flag (a fort? a cow? a letter "L"?), but the only thing that comes to mind is their proximity to the United States. Maybe this was one of those "better safe than sorry" civic decisions at a time when it looked like the country may be in danger of breaking up (no, no, we're ACTUALLY part of the States, see??)

I LOVED THAT COMMERCIAL!!

Lately I've seen a couple of TV commercials that actually impressed me with their sheer audacity and entertainment value. No, I'm not talking about that mayonaisse commercial where an obnoxious group of young pretties spasms around at a rooftop party while the announcer tries to sell you on the idea that eating that brand of mayo makes you the most daring thing since the flapper. (They're eating MAYO? ...on a SANDWICH???? why they're so radical and "in my face"! I'll abandon everything I thought I knew and start a cult in their honor)

On commercial that made an impression with me was for....wait for it...an "egg cracker"! Have you seen this? The first time I saw it I was waiting for the evidence that it was some kind of joke, but it never came. Apparently someone came up with the ultimate kitchen gadget, a device that will crack eggs "perfectly" every time. The announcer starts by reminding us of the shame we felt over the poorly cracked eggs in our past, and asks if we are "tired" of finding egg shells in our omlettes (as a woman spits them out disgustedly to prove the point) or of having to wipe up those egg spills on the stove (ain't THAT the truth). Well, with Mr. Lickedy-Split (or whatever it was called), you no longer have to live in fear of hen fruit. The offer also came with (and I'm not lying about any of this) a device to scramble your eggs while they are still INSIDE THE SHELL!!! Land o' Lakes, what a device! It looked like a little pen you jam into the bottom of the egg to swirl up the contents before using the egg craker to dispense them sanitarily into your fry pan. And you can get BOTH of these for....wait for it...."TWO EASY PAYMENTS OF TEN DOLLARS"!!!! Now realitically, the only people who would have THAT much problem with eggs either lack opposable thumbs or have tried to have their dog crack their eggs for them. For the sheet stones it takes to sell such a product, though, I LOVED THAT COMMERCIAL!

The other was for Old Spice body wash. It started with a young male model type wearing a towel and a smile as he speaks to you from a sauna. He asks the ladies watching "look at me....now look at your husband....now look at ME again.." We quickly see he is Mr. Smug humorously personified, as he tells the ladies that, while hubby may never match his uber-glam male beauty, they can SMELL like him with the Old Spice Body Wash. This commercial was REALLY well filmed, as Mr. Smug walks from the sauna onto the deck of a ship, frequently calling up examples of things that drive the women-folk mad (e.g. "two tickets to that thing you want to see") and the similar effect the body wash will have with the poor shmoe husbands out there. The point made and pitch finished, Mr. Smug ends by pointing out "I'm on a horse". After seeing this commercial for the first time I had to pause for a couple of seconds deciding if I liked it or not. As it turned out...I LOVED THAT COMMERCIAL!

Hint Hint-Really Great Links!

Since I've had all this extra spare time, I've been able to follow up on some projects I've been working on. One of them involves the creation of what I think is a pretty cool game I'm going to formally announce in the next little while. In working on that and other projects I have found some very useful sites where you can download AT NO COST, and apparently virus-free, software that works REALLY WELL! Here's what I found:

Working in Microsoft Wordpad and need to send a document in Word? Look up "Open Office". You can download an office suite where EVERYTHING is compatible with EVERYTHING. They have a Powerpoint-style slideshow creator, an excel-type spreadsheet and other great applications. Best of all, if you have a "Works" document and you need to send it in "Word" format, it will save your document in a Word compatible file.Now why couldn't Microsoft figure out how to do that??

Need to manipulate images? Take a look at "Irfanview". You can create photo-slideshows, add special effects, and for my purposes, resize regular 72 DPI images 9or any size for that mater) as publishable 300 DPI images, the kinds that printers always ask for! I've only used this today, but it seems to be a very easy and capable program!

Looking to kill some time? wht not visit the Museum of Unnatural Mystery? It' at www.unmuseum.org. Lot's of weird things to look at and discover, and unlike the supermarket tabloids you scan while waiting in the "express" line (is it mandatory for people who use this line not to bathe?) you end up feeling kind of smarter, in a Rod Serling sort of way.

Looking for a job? Go to www.indeed.ca. It's kind of a meta-job-search-engine that displays pretty much ALL posted jobs from multiple sites. Of course, you can personalize the search to your own parameters.

Www.madsci.org. Another cool timewaster, has a great recipe for making home-made slime among other cool experiments. Surprise your friends at work, or plan for that extra-special stocking-stuffer. The way science SHOULD be. Mad.

SO....if you have a lot of time on your hands you can EASILY fill it with creative and nutty exercises from there great sites-check 'em out!

Nerd Thoughts-on being a Nerd

I found out I was a "nerd" several years ago. A friend from high school (who has since married one of my nerd friends) admitted that she always considered my little group a bunch of "nerds". Now of course, we were shocked and awed by this. Being nerds, one never actually thinks they are a nerd. Why we were on the yearbook committee! Sold oranges to support the band! Avoided athletics! And most of all, quoted Star Trek and Monty Python endlessly and accurately. (Yeah, I know, it sounds like a cheap old stereotype, but stereotypes exist because they include a great deal of truth. Don't believe me? Go visit your employer's IT department on some pretext. I guarantee you'll see little plastic R2D2's and 6-packs of pudding cups everywhere).

What makes a Nerd? Well, if you've ever wondered if Vulcans can knock themselves out with their own nerve pinch, AND considered it a pretty cool skill to have, you're probably a bit nerdish.

You may hear the word "nerd" spoken where it clearly wasn't. AGF and I were watching an old rerun of The Rockford Files (Jim Rockford being definitely not a nerd) when there was a scene with Jim (I'm sure I can call him that, we're old buds) talking to a client who was taken to the hospital. The man groaned and when Jim asked him what happened I was SURE he said "I was hit on by a pack of nerds". Sure, probably not the original dialogue, but it sure sparked up a fairly routine episode.

Actually I kind of like my nerdish status. "Popularity" has too high a price for my tastes.

On the plus side....LOTS of time to do things now

Well I've just had a life experience that millions of other people have had, but one which I have never experienced until now. I was laid off on Thursday.

Now in the indusry I was in, it was always possible that my job would disappear, and in the last little while, it became more and more obvious that something was going to happen. When the training guy doesn't have anyone to train for months, and it doesn't look like there would be for many MORE months, well the writing was on the wall. To be fair, my ex-company was very good to me, and I'm on no financial distress now or for the next several months at least. However, it did present me with the following insights.

1-my house is REALLY dusty. Having the time to actually look in corners, behind televisions and under sofas made me realize I've bee a bit derelict in my cleaning duties. Now I'll finally have time to test that Shamwow.

2-I'll be able to go bowling on a weeknight. Usually weeknights have been reserved for mundane maintenance duties like laundry, grocery shopping and shovelling snow/ cutting grass, depending on the season. Now I'll be able to wear those supernaturally comfy rent-a-shoes whenever I want. BTW, did you ever look at the word "weeknight" and read it as "wee knight"?

3-I'm surprisingly unperturbed. A lot of this has to do with the generous settlement my ex-employer has given me, but right now I'm pretty relaxed about the whole thing. Someone, somewhere apparently said that everyone has three or four careers in their lifetime. Looks like I'm in for my next one-what will it be??? Male model? Lunatic reclusive candy maker? Shamwow salesman? It's like the entire universe is suddenly my oyster, and I'm the irritating bit of sand that will make me a pearl!

4-If I want, I can sit in my PJ's and eat macaroini and cheese all day long.

5-telling your friends and family is the worst part of the entire experience. Having to repeat bad news several times is like living through it all over again. I think it's especially hard on the last person to be told. While they're coming to grips with the shock of the news, you're already onto blase. I think we all need a loud-mouthed schnook in our lives who will happily spread bad news for you.

Anyway, that's what's new this week. Now I'll have plenty of time to do more blogging :)