Better Than Awesome

View-Master! Better Than Awesome

2012-01-13T13:02:00.000-08:00

Remember View-Master? The little stereoscopic viewer that allowed you to look at colourful picture-reels started in 1939 as a kind of travelogue picture viewer, but in 1966 (the best year ever!!!) the disk subjects expanded to include cartoon characters and popular TV shows!

When you bought the viewer (a nice, comely brown in my era, as you see by the photo), it came with a sample disk titled "What in the World Do You Want to See?". Now at that time, there were a number of things I "wanted to see", few of which are appropriate to mention here, and none of which were addressed on the free disk. What it did show, however, was a little commercial for the selection of disks you could buy that would take you "From Arizona (picture of a girl with a herd of goats in a desert) To Zanzibar!(man kneeing in front of grass hut, inspecting coffee beans). From the Depths of the Ocean (shark about to gnaw on your face), To the heights of Mt. Everest! (man on snowy cliff...could be Everest, could be the snow-bank by my school).From the Ancient Wonders (really cool picture of a model of an ancient Greek temple), To Outer Space! (picture of the model of the Saturn V rocket you wished you got for Christmas instead of those socks).

I still have our viewer, plus six original packs of disks, including Quick-Draw McGraw, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, Wonders of the Deep, The Seven Wonders of the World (one disk per set of wonders) Peanuts and, my personal favorite, Prehistoric Monsters. The disks usually came with a little story book that gave you more detail than what they could fit into the tiny window above the image you were looking at. I have to admit, I don't think I ever read one of those booklets, having skimmed them and likely had been discouraged from reading further by slide titles like "Timid Mollusk" and "The Octopus, timid monster of the sea" (both "Wonders of the Deep"). I guess in my childhood innocence I was supposed to wonder what made them "timid", but all honestly, I was too busy wondering if the Yellowfin Grouper on picture #7 could swallow a diver whole to concern myself too much about underwater timidity.

I remembered all this because today I bought an old View-Master packet called "F.B.I Agent" at an antique store today ($2.00, no tax). The cover showed a picture of a stiff-looking fellow in a black suit shaking hands with J. Edgar Hoover. I had hoped at least once of the reels showed J. Edgar modelling a selection of his favorite gowns, but that wasn't to be the case. Instead, we get the story of agent "Bill Brown" from his first days of training at Quantico, to his apprehension of a kidnapper through the brilliant ruse of prentending to ask him directions while two agents leap at him from behind a large red Oldsmobile. Unlike many of the later View-Master sets that used pictures of 3D models, this one featured stereoscopic photos of people dressed like agents, or maybe the Blues Brothers, posed to demonstrate the action of the story. My personal favorite is the riveting "Bob Works Late Making his Official Report" slide, # 13 on disk 2! I can't imagine any child not being thrilled beyond repair thinking of a future of late-night paperwork at the F.B.I.

Eventually View-Master came up with newer versions like the "talking" View-Master, but I'll always have a soft spot for the old brown plastic viewer. Definitely Better Than Awesome!

How Phobic Are you?

2012-01-05T10:01:00.000-08:00

Have you noticed how often people get accused of being "-phobic" about something? What used to be a suffix with a specific clinical definition has become a label that instantly dismisses someone's objections as being rooted in fear and, therefore, groundless. The term has wormed it's way into popular culture which, through it's over-use as a rather patronizing attack against critics, has bled it of any real meaning. You don't like KFC? You must be pullusophobic! Don't like me stealing from your store? How can you be so kleptophobic? Then I started to wonder....what kinds of "-phobics" would describe some classic monster movie stars?

Frankenstein's monster-obviously pyrophobic, what with all those torches being swung at him. Clearly, he didn't appreciate the villager's friendly attempts to show him how to write his name against the night sky. Therapy: Listen to The Doors try to set his night on fire.

King Kong-aeroplanophobic! fear of airplanes! Typical "luddite" reaction when introduced to a new technology-destroy it! Obviously, Kong's son thought him seriously out-of-date, which probably inspired him to dye himself white in rejection of his father's archaic and patronizing attitudes. Therapy: hug a carry-on.

Sinbad-cyclophobic! How else would you describe his aversion to the Cyclops in 7th Voyage? Of course, one could recommend he "get in touch with his inner cyclops", but that would just cause all kinds of potential trouble. Therapy: try to really dig monocles

Captain Patrick Hendry-vegetaphobic! The hero from The Thing from Another World obviously had "issues" with high fibre greens, and may have even struck out with a comely vegan at some point. Therapy: take anger out on "comedian" carrot top.

Major Cummings: cephaloreperophobic! The lead in "Fiend Without a Face" obviously had an irrational bias against crawling brains, as evidenced by his hyper-aggresive behavior towards those shy and misunderstood little critters who only wanted to jump up and hug him! Therapy: embrace his inner cauliflower

The Awesomest movie casting -Jem & the Holograms

2011-12-18T08:41:00.000-08:00

Ok, this has been floating around the internet for some time now..the prospect that Hasbro will produce a movie based on it's 1980's line of toys and cartoon, Jem and the Holograms. And it's about time! Jem is so thoroughly 80's, so cloyingly "girly", and so deserving of a re-boot that it's producers only have to "not fail" to make this a huge hit. "Jem", of course, was actually Jerrica Benton, owner of "Starlight Music" and "Starlight House", a foster home for girls who never stopped dressing like it was the 80's. Jerrica transforms herself into the pink-mopped glamour-puss Jem by touching her pointy earrings and saying "showtime, Synergy", which is the cue for a sophisticated computer program (thoughtfully also named Synergy) to encase Jerrica in the hologram image of the titular diva.

Backed by her band The Holograms, Jem & her plucky gal-pals sing, dance and foil the plots of their evil rival Eric Raymond and his band of anti-Holograms called "The Misfits". The Misfits are three rude gals fronted by lead-bully "Pizzazz", who, though accurately boasting in the show's title song that "our songs are better", never seem to defeat Jem despite their outpouring of nasty tricks. Jem is also caught in a weird love triangle with the band's manager/roadie, the pouty, purple-haired "Rio", who breathlessly pursues both Jerrica and Jem...who is Jerrica....but she won't tell him....because....um....yeah. Add to this mix music-video performances by both The Holograms and The Misfits (which, for the Holograms included rainbows, unicorns, stars, pegasuses and estrogen, and for the Misfits; footballs, giantism and littering) made Jem & The Holograms easily the most "truly outrageous" plastic fashion doll endorsement ever conceived!!

Now for the movie! I'm not sure when or if this thing will ever get produced, but here's the suggestions by AGF (awesome girl-friend) and myself. See if you agree.

Jem: Taylor Swift. Who could be better? Taylor Swift is already pretty-much a living, singing plastic fashion doll. All she needs are those ninja-star earrings and she's got it made!

Pizzazz: Lady Gaga. Others have suggested this and we agree it's the best casting ever! Pizzazz is angular, talented and totaly lacking in conventional fashion-sense, just like Lady Gaga!! Think of how awesome the soundtrack album would be with her contribution. But that's not all...how about:

Synergy: Katy Perry. Another "truly outrageous" fashionista, Katy Perry would be the perfect model for the near-omnipotent, sentient computer program. She could even sing "pre-teenage Dream" for the soundtrack.

Eric Raymond: Neal Patrick Harris. What can we say? NPH looks great in a three-piece suit, and is able to reek arrogance as evidenced by his role in How I Met Your Mother. Actually, we think NPH should take the lead in developing this project!!

Rio Pacheco: Robert Pattinson. Already used to producing a vacant and breathless character in the Twilight series, Pattinson whuold just have to roll up his sleeves and dye his hair purple, and you have the perfect dazed and longing Rio.

The Holograms/ The Misfits: cast members from Glee/ American Idol. With all the star-power in the casting listed above, we feel the bands should not be populated with too many big names, and since these folks are already used to starring in teen-angst soap-operas, we feel they would easily fit in as band members.

So there you have it! The best cast ever for the Jem & The Holograms movie. Neal Patrick Harris...are you listening to this??? It's up to you now!

B.I.G. movie lines!!

2011-11-30T12:15:00.000-08:00

Who doesn't love classic movie dialogue? Of course, I'm not talking about lines like "You played it for her, you can play it for me", or "The, uh, stuff dreams are made of". I'm thinking of those great, creative and often bewildering lines of dialogue found in those amazing 50's drive-in classics!

If you're looking to mine excellent dialogue, you should start by watching the movies of film-maker extraodonaire, Bert I. Gordon. Dubbed "Mr. B.I.G" by Famous Monsters editor Forry Ackerman, Bert filmed some of the most entertaining low-budget movies of the 50's and 60's. These movies entranced us monster kids growing up and, while some of their technical achievements may seem a bit "low tech" by today's standards (common exclamations include "hey! they're just grashoppers climbing on a post-card!",and "hey! I can see right through that rocket ship!"), their entertainment value is second to none! (Actually, some of the effects still stand up pretty well! It took me three viewings to realize the "puppet people" stored in jars in "Attack of the Puppet People" were just slightly curved photographs)

Due to the fantastical nature of his movies, it was probably inevitable that some lines ended up coming across as a little, oh, let's say weird. Here's a sampling of some of my faves from two of his movies:

King Dinosaur (1955) The crew of a space ship land on the planet "Nova", where they are imperiled by giant dinosaurs. Their only chance of escape is summed up by the ship's doctor when he exclaimed "I brought the atom bomb. I think this is a good time to use it!" Oh, when is it not a good time to break out the old atom bomb? They're as useful as WD-40! (also in this picture, we see the credit "featuring Little Joe-the honey bear". As far as I know, this was "Little Joe's" only movie credit before he changed his name, possibly to "Gentle Ben" or "Yogi Bear")

War of the Colossal Beast (1958) A sequel to "The Amazing Colossal Man" where an unfortunate air force colonel gets irradiated, only to grow into a surley giant wearing an "expandable sarong", for which the giant credits "army ingenuity" (hey, I'm impressed!! How many armies could whip us a giant expandable sarong??). In this sequel, the giant, Col. Glenn Manning, is found to be alive and stomping through Mexico. In tracking him down, a puruer exclaims "Giants can run fast, They have long legs". Perhaps Glenn has a shot at the Rockettes with them amazing gams of his. When the pursuers find giant footprints, they exclaim "What ever made these fotprints must be 60 feet tall.", to which Glenn's sister, Joyce, exclaims, "Glenn is 60 feet tall!". Could the two be related some how??????

Of course, Mr. B.I.G. didn't have a monopoly on great lines. In the excellent movie Kronos (1957) a giant cubist robot from "up there" is sent to Earth to drain all it's power and return it to it's owners, the Ray-O-Vac company. Brave scientists led by Dr. Leslie Gaskell (played by the breathless Jeff Morrow) search for a way to stop the robot at (at one point Gaskell laments that he's possibly "pulled the scientific boner of all time"). Not impressed by this feat, Kronos continues to piston across the countryside, until the good guys hit upon the idea of reversing his electrical change by dropping something like robot itch powder on him from a jet plane. On his approach towards the target, the pilot asks the control tower "Can you pinpoint the target for me?". Oh, I don't know..... could it possibly be that 200' tall alien robot???

As you can see...endless, timeless entertainment from Mr. Gordon and others of his vintage!! Thanks for the great times, Bert!!

Archie's Sound Effects

2011-11-21T12:47:00.000-08:00

Having researched Archie comics ads, I thought I'd say a few words about their sound effects. Words like "brrrrf". Having mainly read super-hero or horror/fantasy comics as a kid, I was used to seeing sound effects and random vocalizations depicted in the comics. What book wouldn't benefit from the insertion of a "thwack", "skreeee" or "ba-da-bum"? When words failed the hero, victim or outrageous creature, a simple "graaough" "hnuuuh" or the ever-popular "aieeee" sufficed (with 'aieee', the more 'eeeee's' at the end of the word, the more terrifying the situation).

Archie, however, had it's own lexicon of onomatopoeia. When someone laughed, it wasn't "ha" or "har", it was usually "hyuk" or "hyok". Actions like slobbering or smootching were clearly represented with the words "slobber" or "smootch". My personal favorite, however has to be "brrrrf", as it neither copies a sound or utterance one would make in any situation, nor is it an idetifiable verb or adjective. What was it supposed to be showing in this example? Dread? Fear? Flatulance? Grinding teeth? The sound of a chain-saw not shown in the panel? It's still a mystery to me, but the more I look at it, the more I think I'll try to work "brrrf" into my vocabulary. "The car won't start....brrrf". I just won the lottery....brrrf". "Your Uncle is coming to live with us.....brrrrrrrrrrrrf". Yep, this will work out well. Happy "brrrf" everyone.

Comic Ads Part Deux

2011-11-19T10:17:00.000-08:00

If you read this blog you've already seen my previous post regarding the wonder and mystery of some of the comic book ads I saw as a kid. In all fairness, these were only the ads I'd see in copies of Spiderman, The Flash, or Magnus, Robot Fighter. There was, however, an alternate world of comic ads, one aimed at the predominantly feminine audience found among the readers of Archie comics!

Archie, of couse, is that perpetually teenage carrot-top with the odd cross-hatching scratched on the side of his head. Abley assisted by his friend with the tape-worm, Jughead, and pursued by the uber-feminine Betty and Veronica, Archie indulged in hilarious "hi-jinx" that ranged from getting his "japoly" working to fighting crime and solving mysteries (though the mystery of Jughead's orientation, a topic of debates for generations, has never been satisfactorally solved). Guys would occasionally read Archie comics; while waiting for a hair-cut (if there were no copies of "Sgt. Rock" or "Kid Colt, Outlaw" available) or to pass the time at the cabin until the rain stopped, but for the most part it was the girls who enjoyed reading about what they could expect when they reached High School (boys just read about what they could expect if they were bombarded with cosmic rays, which seemed infinitely more useful to us at the time).

Consequently, the ads in Archie comics tended to be aimed more towards young girls who were eager to begin lives as happy and popular young women. In order to do this, they apparently needed to be equipped with "sassy sayings" pendants, to let the world know if they were "Hot Stuff", a "Foxy Lady" or a "Super Chick". Some, like "His" and Hers" seemed to be aimed at young Juliets who already had a Romeo in tow. My personal favorite of the group is "Tennis Bum", an endearment that suggests both hair that is tragically too big, and shorts that are tragically too small.

Needing "Longer Nails" seemed to be an urget health issue, so the next ads offered
"Longer Nails in Minutes". For only $1.98, the unfortunate girl could transform her nails that are "cracked", "ugly" and an abomination to all that's decent, into glamorous back-scratchers that would be the envy of the sandbox set. Unlike her class-mates, pets, or clergy, "sta-long" nails would truly be a "girl's best friend".

But one doesn't really want to grow up too fast. To help retain that childhood innocence, the reader also had the option of buying 100 dolls! "Don't shake your head in disbelief, It's True!" the ad promised; each guaranteed to be made of "genuine styrene and synthetic rubber". Everything from baby dolls, dancing dolls, cowboy dolls and "foreign" dolls were promised, the last possibly being espionage dolls sent by a foreign power to steal our styrene secrets.

Like the monsterous ads, I never actually met a kid who ordered any of these, but I knew a lot who wanted to. Oddly enough, few were "tennis bums" or "hot stuff".

Ah Christmas!! Catalogue Time!

2011-11-14T12:59:00.000-08:00

Well, Halloween is over and, as every right-thinking monster kid knows, traditionally this was the time we started our serious planning for Christmas. Of course by planning, I mean we poured over Christmas catalogues with the intensity of little Howard Carters uncovering the tomb of King Tut. I know that I, personally, never employed as much scrutiny on any of my homework assignments as I did over the toy section of the old Eaton's, then later Sears catalogues. And Why not? The Christmas catalogues always arrived wrapped in a brown paper sleeve, hinting discreetly that the contents were sure to blow your mind, and were not safe to risk allowing them to casually flip open in front of, say, expectant mothers or people taking nitrates for heart conditions.

Toy sections were usually somewhere in the middle of the catalogue, after ladies undergarments and orthopedic shoes, but before pole lamps and canned fruits and nuts. The toy section was usually arranged by age and gender, with nondescript infant and toddler toys taking up the first few pages. No need to waste time here! The next few pages were often board games. Pause for a bit...there could be something interesting! Games like Battleship and Risk always looked cool, and the old stand-bys like Clue or Trouble would always have been a pleasant surprise. Some games appeared in the catalogue for decades, despite the fact I never knew a kid who ever owned one. A prime example was a game with a little suction-cup dart pistol, where the goal was apparently to shoot a chicken to cause it to lay a plastic egg. I never had the chance to try this one, but I'm sure it caused no end of havoc with boys who were raised on chicken farms who were desperate to re-create the effect in real life.

Moving on, there was usually a large section of girls toys. Very gender-role specific girls toys, which I'm sure would cause upset in some circles today. The Easy-Bake Oven, toy stoves and baby carriages and dolls galore. I have to admit, curiosity caused me to pause here every now and then, usually to try to get some glimpse into the workings of the unfathomable alien mind of the 8 year old girl.

Finally, patience ans sweaty palms pushed to the limit, I reached the boy's section. Glorious! Here, insulated from the true spirit of Christmas, was a treasure trove of action, adventure and mayhem. My personal-favorite pages involved either that 12 inch arsenal of democracy known as G.I. Joe, or his slightly smaller and bendier space explorer counterpart, Major Matt Mason! It would have been, not only inaccurate, but an outrage to refer to these figures as "dolls", especially in front of the young consumer drooling over their potentialites. These, my friend, were action figures, a name denoting thrills, adventure and possible future interactions with fire crackers or family pets.

Almost as good as the action toys were the toy gun pages! Yeah, I've heard the arguements about not wanting to instill violence in young minds, but for most of us, that violence was already there! We've survived endless playground games, schoolyard hazings and sibling abuses to know the world was full of conflict, and if you weren't prepared to deal with it you might as well just turn to the Bridge table section of the catalogue and just stop being a kid altogether! Luckily, toy manufacturers knew that, and were prepared to supply us with the ultimate in clever and devastating weapons of mass mischef!

After thoroughly scoping out the section several times, it came time to put together "the proposal", wherein I priced out assorted permutations and combinations of pricing schemes to present to my parents. These usually were in the vein of "if you plan to spend $20.00 on me you could get me this and this, but if you were going to spend $25.00 on me, you could get me this, this this and this"! World economics wouldn't be in such a poor state if they just let some kids with toy catalogues work it out.

Thoughts from a Halloween Werewolf

2011-11-01T12:01:00.000-07:00

If you've read this blog before, it will come as no surprise that I love Halloween. As a kid, being able to spend weeks planning and making your costume, finally leading up to the night when you could go trick-or-treating, was second in delicious joy only to waiting for Christmas morning to come around. This was in the days before "politically correct" Halloweens, where kids are encouraged to dress up as socially positive role models like Montessori teachers or gender-neutral eco-facilitators. No, these were the days when boys wanted to dress in as violent and horrifying ways as they could on a budget of whatever could be begged or borrowed from one's parents. In those times, kids had to learn to balance the costume desires of "Mom" ("...but you'd look so cute dressed as a gingerbread bunny") and "Dad" ("...it costs what???? Forget it, here's my old hat, go as a hobo").

Now usually, a kid caught between these sorts of extreme views would end up in some sort of embarassing compromise that never really felt that satisfying. Getting sensible, inexpensive shoes instead of the cool black high-top runners with the picture of the jet on the little rubber circle sewn at the ankle, for example. But Halloween was such a magical time, that kids were usually able to buy or put together a costume that they actually thought was cool! Want to be a super-mad-doctor-pirate-vampire-eco-facilitator? At Halloween, it was possible!

Of course, that was then, and, as the proponents of linear time will insist, this is now. AGF (awesome girl-friend) and I love giving our Halloween candy and watching the assortment of costumes come to the door. This year, I decided to put a little more effort into dressing up my house, so in addition to hanging the rubber bat on the front door, I decided to put together a life-sized werewolf for my front yard. This was my first attempt to do something like this, and I have to admit, I kind of like the way it turned out. As you can see from the picture, his face was a pretty cool wolf-man mask I picked up at a yard sale this year, placed over one of those styrofoam wig-heads that I covered with fur. Note the ears, making him look a little like a were-bear...even cooler!

His eyes were little LED lights I snipped off fo two dollar-store book lights, and they were amazing. They were eye-shaped to begin with, and covering the mask's eye-holes with red tissue paper actually made them look like glowing red eyes! His body was an old plaid flannel shirt and jeans stuffed with newspaper. This wasn't as successful, as his contents tended to shift downwards, as is wont to happen to all of us, giving him a rather saggy gut and a flat derriere. Obviously, a Canadian were-wolf! He was kept upright with a broomstick running from his styrofoam neck, down the back of his pants into the ground. Once erect, my werewolf proved himself no match for the rigors of occasional gusts of wind, so his broomstick had to be supported by a metal pry-bar, also down the back of his pants, a towel, two rocks and a small log used by the cats as a scratching post. Once upright, his paws were attached to a pair of store-bought tombstones and viola, one Halloween werewolf was ready to go!

The werewolf proved to be a fun addition to Halloween, especially as the kids and their guardians weren't shy about offering comments. Here's a sample:

Older sister reassuring younger one, who is dressed as the pinkest fairy ever to wave a butterfly wand on our street: "that wolf won't hurt you". Awwwwwwww. Ok, there's a place for super-cute on Halloween!

A Mom: "I hope that doesn't move" Maybe next year, Mom!

Older guardian upon seeing the glowing red eyes: "Holy sh*t!". Gotta love that reaction!

Young boy dressed as a soldier (pointing his "rifle" at wolfie): "Brrr-rrr-rrr-rr-rrr-rrrr-at-att-att--tat" (gun sound)"Grrrrrahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa!" (victory over werefolf cry) I'm glad that kid is fighting on our side!

And finally, two Boys: Younger one: "what's that what's that what's that?"
Older one: "It's DAD!"

A brave comment, son, considering Dad was standing right there with you! Then again, getting away with mischef has always been one of Halloween's greatest traditions. I'm glad that tradition is still alive.

Comic Ads

2011-09-25T10:32:00.000-07:00

For me, as a kid, the enjoyment of reading comics was in perusing the ads at the back of the book. I never sent away for anything, and I certainly never new what "Grit" was or how on Earth anyone could sell it. What they did teach me was a healthy consumer skepticism that still serves me to this day. I should send away for my own submarine that fires a polaris missile! But wait, something in that picture doesn't look right....that's too small to be a real polaris missile!! Buy 500 toy soldiers in their own foot locker? Waitaminit... what would I do with a foot locker??? here's some of my faves (pictured)

Look Fellows!! The clarion call of of the "Grit kid", urging young entrepeneurs to win cool prizes like baseball gloves and polaris missiles if only, oh Lord if only, they could sell something called "Grit". I've never seena a copy of "Grit", though I have to admit I was occasionally tempted by the picture of the obviously prosperous and contemporary-looking chap in the photo. Unfortunately, my appetite to win pocket knives and bicyle lamps that looked like half-asleep eyes wasn't enough for me to send the coupon.

48" Talking Monster from Outer Space. I have to admit, the pricey $1.00 fee was certainly an obsticle to the purchase of this beast, but what really turned me off was the fact he had a prominant navel, which I felt no self-respecting space monster would ever display. That, plus what I later learned were called it's "jazz hands", soured the deal for me big time.

X-Ray Specs. Certainly the greatest invention of all time! I never bought these through the comics, but i did eventualy get a pair in a novelty shop years later. Who cares if their effective range was from your face to your hand (if you held your hand up to a high-intensity lamp), those hypno-spiral paper "lenses" makes wearing these the fashion coup of any social event or church function!

Monster-size monsters. For a buck a piece, another expensive prospect. These didn't talk, but their glow-in-the-dark feature was an almost irresistable hook. The Frankenstein monster looked intriguing, but that skeleton kept on truckin'! I always pictured him, strutting through my room like Mick Jagger, eyes glowing and "altertness lines" radiating from his skull, as if to say "I know what's going on...and I'm a skeleton!" Luckily for me, I never had the dollar to send away for skellie or his friends, or I would have learned he was only a poster, and unable to display the funkiness his ad promised. Sometimes consumer lessons are best learned from a distance.

Halloween Hijinx

2011-09-16T08:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was visiting the second-hand shop at the top of my street (the "Helping Hand") when I found this super-fun old Halloween mask/ costume kit. This one's a tiger, but I remember they had a huge variety of monsters, superheroes animals and princesses to choose from. This was before 95% of all Halloween costumes sported images of either liscenced TV characters or Kim Kardashian. You can't see the price tag, but it was originally $ 2.79 at K-mart (or maybe SS Kresge, which was either K-Mart's precursor or the name of the store's amphibious assult vehicle).

I always loved pawing through these costumes as a kid. As you can see, the "costume" was a rather cheaply-produced body suit made primarily of that plasticy tarpaulin material, which the makers reassured us was "fire retardant". I'm guessing this was third place behind "fire proof" (no way this sucka is going to burn) and "fire resistant" (we'll hold out as long as we can...remember the Alamo!). "Fire retardant" probably meant you had just enough time to wave your arms around and set some other kid on fire before disaster struck. Like I said, these costumes were fun!

On the front of ths costume there was a cool image reminding the home-owner what person or creature you were supposed to be, so they could exclaim "how cute!" or "oooh, scary" while you waited paintently for them to get over it and shell out some chocolate, man. I love this image-the tiger, though somewhat malformed, looks suitably ferocious with extra-long fangs, although he also looks like he painted his toe-nails for the occasion, making the costume suitable for either little boys or girls (this was in the time before gender roles were re-evaluated, folks).

The mask is typical of the time; really colorful plastic, with little eye- and mouth-holes to allow just enough air inside to avoid asphixiation, but not enough to avoid the inside of the mask heating up like a personal face-sauna. As a kid, you tried to avoid "de-masking" as long as you could, but inevitably, you needed to either wipe down or risk having sweat running into your shoes. I usually liked wearing my mask around the house for several days before Halloween, just to get into the character properly.

As a kid, it was always a toss-up whether I enjoyed Halloween or Christmas better. I eventually settled for Christmas, but in terms of defining what "dressing up" meant for a kid, Halloween had Christmas beat, hands-down. Then again, Christmas dinner wouldn't fit through that mask very well.

Remembering Scholastic Books

2011-07-22T13:14:00.000-07:00

Anyone remember "Scholastic Books?" Once or twice a year, your teacher would take some time during your home room period to hand out one-page catalogue/ order forms from a company called "Scholastic Books". They usually had a pretty long list of inexpensive pocket books for kids, with topics usually in the science/ nature/ adventure story vein. I remember one called "Runner for the King", about some Inca kid sprinting over mountain tops with a knotted rope, which was the kingly message. I don't remember much about the message, or why the king needed his knots shared with such haste, but the cover looked kind of cool to me.

Being a kid whose mind was twisted by horror films, however, I was automatically drawn to either the ghost stories or anything that had a robot on the cover, Often I would buy the book just to look at the cool cover, and not bother with the contents (I would never admit this to my parents, as they thought they had a budding Einstein with a voracious appetite for literature. Actually I just had a voracious appetite for flashy covers. This would serve me well in later years to develop a completely indiscriminate attitude to selecting breakfast cereals and. later on, automobiles.)

I'd order books like the "Arrow Book of Ghost Stories", which promised a "shivery, quivery, just-scary-enough time!". I really should have been tipped off by the "...just-scary-enough" portion of the teaser, as the stories themselves tended to be pretty tame for my tastes (e,g, "Teeny-Tiny" by Joseph Jacobs. "Once upon a time there was a teeny-tiny woman who lived in a teeny-tiny house in a teeny-tiny village" Please, stop the shocks.)

Despite the somwhat vanilla nature of the books, I still enjoyed the process of researching, ordering and receiving the books, and even ended up reading some of them. I still have scholastic books in my house, and hope to finish reading "Teeny-tiny" once I have some time to get around to it. And a large pot of coffee.

Thoughts from the Summer Cabin

2011-07-11T07:50:00.000-07:00

Well, AGF and I just came back from a weekend at out friend's cabin on the Bird River, near Lac du Bonnet. Cabin time is always different from "real" time, and usually much better. I have a ritual I like to perform at the start of these weekends. Once I pass the perimeter highway around the city, the watch comes off my wrist, and doesn't return until I am back within the perimeter. The result is a wonderful disorientation where I really have no idea "when" I am, outside of "when, in relation to when I last ate/ had a beer". This freedom of mind (aided, perhaps, by liberal dousings with recreational beverage) seems to lead to some wonderful spontaneous bursts of creativity. Here's what resulted this time:

1-The Best Video Game Ever. My friend's son was at the cabin, playing FIFA soccer on his X-Box for mutch of the weekend. After Canada won the World Cup (only on a video game!!) he switched to one of those first-person shooter games, where you see the barrel of the gun sticking out in the middle of the screen.

A much BETTER idea is to have a first-person doggie game. Instead of the gun, you see the nose of the pooch you are playing. The goal is to tip garbage cans, sniff crotches and vacuum up foodstuffs dropped on the floor. You have to avoid getting your nose scratched by cats, getting your hair clipped or wearing one of those plastic "lamp shade" collars. You ultimately win the game by sniffing the crotch of a member of the Royal family. Patent Pending.

2-An "app" for guys. "Cut the lawn". The goal is to cut your virtual lawn. This could be followed by "apps" like "trim the hedge", "paint the baseboards" and "get another beer from the fridge".

3-Horse-fly/ Black-fly collars. Much the the afore-mentioend plastic "doggie collars", cabineers can wear a repellant-doused plastic collar around their necks as they float in the lake/ river, to deter those annoying pests from buzzing your head. You could also fill the cone with recreational beverage. The added attraction is how appealing this will make thee wearer to the opposite sex. If you have a souse/ significant other, the answer is, of course, absolutely none.

There you have it. take off your watch and give it a try some time. Just remember, I OWN the doggie-game idea.

Eternal Beauty at Monster Bash

2011-07-01T12:21:00.000-07:00

Ok, this is a follow-up to my previous blog about Monster Bash 2011. I believe I mentioned the "Hammer Girls", actresses Caroline Munro, Veronica Carlson and Yvonne Monlaur, who were guests at the Bash and who happily participated in the Saturday night "live Theatre" by Zach Zito. After the show, the Hammer Girls were kind enough to pose with a life-sized figure of Christopher Lee as Dracula, giving the fans an opportunity to snap some souvenier photos.

What continues to strike me is the way this scene played out. All these ladies were former actresses and models. When they were asked to pose with ol' Chris Lee, these mature ladies immediately worked the cameras like the pros they are. Really, it was quite amazing to watch. One minute we were watching attractive mature women talking about their past careers, the next minute the years melted away, as three bombshells gave a lesson in real sexuality! I'm not talking about the crude sort of posing that is usually accompanied by brass polls and navel piercings, I'm talking about true inner beauty exploding out from the eyes, lips and hands of these stars.

Each Hammer Girl took a turn posing between the "arms" of Chris, as camera flashes strobed out of the hundred-plus assembled photographers. I can't help thinking this is what these ladies did constantly during the prime of their careers, and by jove, they've still got it!

So let's hear it for the Hammer Girls and all the other ladies out there who know where true beuty comes from, and better for us, how to show it off.

Monster Bash 2011

2011-06-30T13:33:00.001-07:00

Well I just returned from the 2011 summer edition of Monster Bash, held in Butler PA. every year at the end of June. Monster Bash has become one of the most important events for me to attend each year for a number of reasons. Let's look at some of them.

1-Feel the love!! First and foremost, Monster Bash is where I belong. I'm a Monster Kid, one of the people who grew up in the time from the late 50's to the early 70's, when classic horror and science fiction films were shown each week on local TV, and Saturday matinees at the local movie house often kept kids entertained for hours with a line-up of cartoons and a features like King Kong Vs Godzilla. Monster kids read Famous Monsters of Filmland magazine and built Aurora plastic monster models. Sure, we dabbled in other forms of popular culture of the time....Batman, Gilligan's Island, the music of the Beatles and the Monkees, but our personal treasure was the monster scene. If we were lucky, we had some friends our own age we could share our love of classic monster with, but for the most part we were the kids who happily sat alone with our magazines, model kits and movies. Now we're "grown up", but like many people. we are spending our adulthood trying to re-claim trasures from our childhood. At Monster Bash, we're finally able to mix with our own kind of folks and share the greatest thing in our lives outside of our personal faith or relationships. In short, we've come "home" for the weekend.

2-Meet the Stars!! Ok, so maybe the guests aren't really considered "top flight" celebrities any more, but in our hearts they're still the people who thrilled and chilled us in the movies and TV shows we loved. This year we met people like Norma Eberhardt, who as a young woman acted in a little-known film called "The Return of Dracula". No, it wasn't the best film ever made, in fact it was so low budget the actors had to provide their own costumes. But Norma was there, she helped to create one of the glorious Black & White films we thrilled to as kids. Moere importantly, we had the chance to say "thank you" face-to-face. I like getting autographed pictures and posing for photographs, but to me, being able to offer that personal "thank you" is the highlight of meeting any celebrity.

3-Your Contribution is Appreciated!! While the Bash is run very professionally and tirelessly by Ron Adams and his crew, I never feel like an "outsider" or a "tourist" at these events. Monster Kids are very good at forgiving "imperfections" in other people, which comes in very handy when an attendee wants to share the products of their own personal creativity. I've seen attendee posters, graphics and even poetry shared at these events, with the best example of "community appreciation" being seen on saturday Nights at the "live Theater" events. These often feature an actor named Zach Zito, who performs scenes from Poe stories or other horror/ macabre writers. Zach is somehow able to memorize multiple pages of dialogue, which he acts out dramaticaly for the audience. This year, Zach was joined on-stage by Hammer horror vets Caroline Munro, Veronica Carlson and Yvonne Monlaur, three beautiful veterans of the horror scene. These ladies seemed to ganuinely enjoy taking small parts in Zach's performance, despite what "outsiders" (non-monster kids) may call a somewhat amateur quality to the presentation. Zach was charged with enthusiasm, the Hammer Girls were happy to be a part of the scene, and the attendees loved every minute of it.

4-Loot, and plenty of it!! OK, I love shopping at the Bash. The dealer room is overflowing with "stuff" I'd love to own. When I talk about "loot", however, I'm also talking abou the bonuses you don't expect. The costumed (!?!) monsters walking the halls; this year the Mummy, Frankie, Mr. Hyde and Nosferatu were happily lurking around. The Bash Boys band!! An hour-long set of the most enthusiastically rocking Top 40 from the 50's and 60's ever heard. Free Givaways! It seems like there's always free stuff to be had at the Bash. This year there werer the glow-in-the-dark frisbees with pictures of the chipmunk-like vamp from the 50's drive-in classic "Blood of Dracula", tossed to the crouwd at the end of the drive-in style showing of that movie.

If you like classic monster movies and you've never bene to Monster Bash, make plas to go there next year. Bring the kids. Wear your cape if you like. It's always a "graveyard smash" at Monster Bash

Europe on $5 a day ?!?

2011-03-22T13:00:00.000-07:00

Back in the 50's, in the years shortly after the end of WW2, North Americans were enticed to travel to Europe on the promise that it could be done as cheaply as $5.00 a day. This is when you had all those movies like Roman Holiday, where it was suggested a romance with Audrey Hepburn was possible as long as you travelled to Europe and looked like Gregory Peck. Now, I'm not sure how many people were able to do that, but a lot of people did have the chance to see a lot of Europe on relatively little money, including my own dear Mom in her pre-married-to-Dad days (a.k.a her "young hottie" days)

The other day we were looking through her album from that 5 month (wow!!) trip from small, provincial Winnipeg to big, bold Europe and had the chance to re-live some of those times. Here's some highlights and observattions!

-It took Mom seven days to cross the Atlantic on the CP ship Empress of France to get to Europe, and eight days to return. On the way, she played "quoits" and deck tennis, wagered on "horse races", read the on-board newspaper, watched first-run movies in the theatre, read, relaxed, and had the chance to eat up to eight times a day. Sigh. Things have certainly "improved" through air travel :(

-Mom actually saw Laurence Olivier and Vivien Leigh live on-stage in something called "The Sleeping Prince" in London. It was described as "an occasional fairly tale" and starred Olivier as "The Regent" and Leigh as "Mary". It was also directed by Olivier. Too cool!

-Ever have Fettucinne Alfredo? Mom actually met Alfredo! She and her tour group ate at his restaurant, were served personally by Alfredo di Lelio himself, with his set of golden fork and spoon, and still has a recipe signed by Alfredo. Best meal ever!

-Remember those great stickers you always saw stuck on the sides of suitcases on old movies? Mom saved hers, and had a bunch of them in her album! I've included just a few of them here, but they're all gorgeous. Look at the colours on the Hotel Victoria stickers. You just don't see that any more. The Hotel Cavour sticker had advertising on the back of it, which promised the traveller "The almost in comfort and convenience". Priceless!

-A drink menu/ flyer from the "Cortijo EL GUAJIRO" lists entrance to the floor show and first drink at 40 pesetas, second drink at 25 pesetas (unless you at the bar, where the second drink was 20 pesetas). Shows started at 10:45 p.m. and went to 2:45 a.m.(two of them being a "gypsy parties"). The incredible shrinking drink prices must have been a challenge to the hosts, as there was also a note telling the reader to "insist on the bill before leaving".

I hate to think what we've lost from these more elegant days of travel, when you could expect a leisurely ocean cruise, amazing food, drink and entertainment, and wonderful sights and sounds amongst a less-threatening atmosphere than today. I missed it, but I'm glad my Mom was able to be a part of it.

Way to go, young hottie!

Wacky Packages!!

2011-02-11T11:56:00.000-08:00

Anyone remember "Wacky Packages?" They were a set of stickers that came with a stick of gum in a collector-card sized package. The hook was the sticker themselves. Each one (and I think there were about 3-4 per package?)was a parody of a current product, like those pictured here (e.g. Chef Girl-ar-dee, the "Feminist" pasta!)

The Wacky Packages had very good art, and were sold by the Topps Chewing Gum company. Along with those pictured here, they had "Lox Scented Soap" (active ingredient seaweed and seawater)"Badzooka Guggle Bum", "Kick-a-man Boy Sauce" (gives kids super power!), "Stove Glop" (15 minutes stuffing mess) and "Land O Quakes" (butter churned by earthquakes), among hundreds of others!

Overall the wacky packages had kind of a Mad Magazine feel to them. The pictures and captions themselves were often extreme and on the edge of bad taste (e.g. "Czechlets-overcoated tiny humans!!"), which made them hugely popular with young boys wanting to decorate their school supplies in their first taste of rebellion! I think they actually got into some legal trouble with a number of the products they were sending up.

Recently my brother and I found a stash of 72 of these stickers, with very few duplicates! Thanks to finding this hoard of trasure, I can again relive those heady days of tasteless stickers on my school binder.

Dollar Store Treasures!!

2011-01-21T13:08:00.000-08:00

This afternoon AGF (awesome girlfriend) and I went on an expedition to one of our favorite stores of all time, United Unlimited. If you've never been there, imagine a warehouse snugly ensconced beneath a picturesque railyard overpass, stocked to the rafters with treasures past and present! Need a Roman helmet? Furry handcuffs? Spice World trading cards? United Unlimited has it all!!

Today, as AGF stocked up on stickers, beads and stuff for her crafts, I happily came across the item pictured here...a concept that blew me away with it's brilliance....yes, a handy bag of... 8 SPARE BODY PARTS!

Look at how joyful the little lad on the top of the package looks, wearing his turquoise replacement nose, after probably losing his own in a tragic spirograph accident. And that's not all! My grab-bag came fully equipped with two left ears (for the artist in all of us), the pictured turquoise nose, a turquoise finger (useful for speaking in traffic, I'm sure), and not one or two, but four extra mouths!!

Now I'm not sure if the mouths are supposed to be seperate upper and lower lips or a matched set, in which case they represent merely two complete mouths. In either case, for a dollar plus tax, I have to rate this as one of the wiser purchases I have ever made!

In today's dangerous world, One can never be too careful. Up until today I had to fret over the very real threat of losing one or both lips, or even lose my left ear twice. Not any more...THANK YOU United Unlimited....for being there!!

Urgently needed new Government service

2010-12-05T10:59:00.000-08:00

Ok, I know some people hate the thought of "big government" out there. I've heard frequent condemnations of the "nanny state" and the fact that government services, as they stand, can't be maintained. But here's ONE service I'm sure we can all agree to.

"Name That Tune"- a service from the federal government. How many times have you had a tune stuck in your head and were unable to remember what it was called? We DESPERATELY need a government-funded service that allows us distressed citizens to call in and hum the offending tune. Efficient civil servants would quickly and cheerfully identify the music, putting our minds at ease and halting the drain on the resources of our mental health facilities.

How could it go wrong? Think of the great service we ALREADY get when we call a government office. The speed! the friendliness! The accuracy!

hmmm.......maybe I should just hum it to you. Hmmm HMMMMMMMMM hmm hm HMMM hmmmmmm....

Pollocks Hardware-best hardware store ever!

2010-10-14T15:07:00.000-07:00

Usually there's not too much to get excited about going to a hardware store....unless it's Pollock's Hardware in good old Winnipeg.

Pollocks has been around for decades. It was always the kind of place where you could buy interesting quantities of "stuff"; like three nails if that's all you needed, or test your TV set vacuum tubes. For a while it was closed down, as it's original owners retired. Recently, however, it's re-opened as Pollock's Hardware Co-op, in which I am proud to say I am a member.

As you see from the pictures, Pollocks is still a place where you can buy most everything. Need a cast-iron fry pan, wash-board or glass bubble to a coffee percolator? Go to Pollocks. Need a genuine Radio Flyer wagon or a balsa-wood glider? Pollocks! Need three nails? Obviously, don't look anywhere else.

I know there's a real nostalgia element to my fondness for the place, but I also can't help but admire a place that just doesn't want to throw things out. Sometimes keeping a piece of the past because it makes you feel good to have it around is all the reason you need for holding on to those freakishly-smiling MacGregor Socks displays. Hey, where else can you find "stuff", other than Pollocks??

Ottawa Team Names

2010-09-08T12:11:00.001-07:00

Sometime in the next couple of years, Ottawa is supposed to again have a CFL franchise. I'm delighted by this, partially for the football fans in Ottawa, and partially for the league, which I have always felt needed to have 10 teams to be truly representative of the country. Ottawa will just bring it back to nine, but it looks like Halifax may round it out one day.

As for the Ottawa team name, I'm partial to their original name, the Rough Riders. Oh, I know the Saskatchewan fans feel they have dibs on that name, but hey, it's not the REAL CFL without two teams named "Rough Riders" (or "Roughriders", for those of the green persuasion). Since this, unfortunately, won't be possible due to the "world's greatest fans" getting all snotty about it, here are a few alternate ideas for the new Ottawa Football Club.

1-"The Ottawa-Gatineau Oh-Geez". This one ties in the region's multicultural status with the inevitable fan response as they watch their team try to grow from scratch. "Oh Geez, they dropped the ball again. Oh Geez why didn't they tackle that guy?"

2-"The Ottawa Elevens" or "The Ottawa Twelves" (depending on when the franchise starts, 2011 or 2012). One of the new owners already runs a minor league hockey team called the "67s", named after Canada's official first year as a country, 67 A.D.

3-"The Ottawa Ottawas". Sure, I just copied this from the original name of the Blue Bomber football club, when they were known by the incredibly imaginative name the "Winnipegs". Their cheerleaders could be called the "Lady Ottawas".

4-"The Ottawa Rainbow Narwhals". This has nothing to do with Ottawa, I just like the sound of it. Try to imagine the iniform, then see if you can get to sleep tonight.

I'm sure the owners in Ottawa have something they feel is regionally representative and cool enough to promote jersey sales. I'm just hoping it's not just a verb like the "Ottawa Thrash" or a landmark like the "Ottawa Provincial Trunk Highway 417".

Go Rainbow Narwhals!

My second film!! Check it out!

2010-08-07T16:15:00.000-07:00

We just finished and posted our second film-"Billy the Kid meets the Vampire Dinosaur"-it's on YouTube at this addy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjqZKrfsRM4

Check it out!!

Mission to Mars-my first film

2010-07-26T15:40:00.000-07:00

Here's a link to my first-ever attampt to make a cheezy 50's sci-fi film. It was strung together with random memories of half-a-dozen actual films, including Rocketship XM and Missile to the Moon. AGF supplied the voice of all the women, and I popped the corn for the meteor storm. Here we go and please remember...it's supposed to look cheezy!

Here's that link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcyBasVFMlQ

Rediscovered! Elmer the Safety Elephant!

2010-07-12T13:20:00.001-07:00

I just returned from a trip to one of my favorite stores of all time, "United Unlimited", the "King Solomon's Mine" of the surplus, off-price, factory second and just plain bizzare. Want some of those "Spice World" or "Backstreet Boys" trading cards? Looking for a set of furry handcuffs? Need ten bras but only have a dollar? "United Unlimited" is the place for you!

Today I was lucky enough to find two vintage school workbooks (the "Mammoth Practice Book"...only 10 cents!!), and on the back I found an old friend...Elmer the Safety Elephant. To those too young to remember, Elmer was a perky little elephant with a "Lord Fauntleroy" collar and tie and, if that didn't make him "cool" enough to us school kids, displayed his name on a sailor cap on his head! To me he always looked like an image you'd find on a popcorn box, but I guess Elmer was capable of multi-tasking.

Elmer was found in every school, decorating walls with safety-first-type posters reminding us to "look both ways before crossing streets" and when there was no sidewalk (a real problem in those days) to walk on the left-hand side....FACING traffic. I clearly remember this being stressed....FACE the TRAFFIC. A few wags suggested is was so you could see who was about to run you down, but those negative nellies didn't discourage the rest of us. The safety tips from the back of this work-book were typical of the art and tone of those posters. I especially like # 2-KEEP OUT from between parked cars. It looks like the poor bloke in the plaid cap is ignoring the threat of parking in front of an Edsel. I also like #4-Play games in SAFE places away from traffic. It kind of looks like this SAFE place is in front of a plate-glass window, but at least it was away from traffic.

I remember that schools who demonstrated excellence in traffic safety were awarded by flying Elmer's flag above it, the safety elephant himself looking down joyfully at all the kiddies WALKING when they left curbs, and riding their bikes SAFELY. I don't think our school ever got to fly Elmer's flag, but that's OK. If only he would have left us some popcorn.

ROAD TRIP! My odd-yssy to Monster Bash 2010

2010-07-02T14:25:00.000-07:00

Well another Monster Bash has come and gone. In case you hadn't heard of it, Monster Bash is an annual classic Horror/Science Fiction movie convention that takes place in Bulter Pennsylvania each year. This was my fourth year attending but my first a) with my brother and b) driving there and back again. Here are just a few thoughts and observations of the trip:

Day 1-Minneapolis-perhaps appropriately, there is a thick fog on the highway for the first 45 minutes out of town, and not just in our heads. There was a classic late 40's-early 50's Mercury pick-up truck parked on my street when I left. I took this to be a good omen, as it lokked just like the truck used by the linemen in "It Came From Outer Space", just before they are absorbed by the one-eyed alien. Did I say a good sign?

The trip itself was uneventful, but there were delays around Minneapolis due to construction on their speedways, er , freeways. The motel was Ok, but the staff was surley and the phone in the room didn't work. I won't rat them out by saying their name, needless to say it is a motel chain numbered somewhere between 5 and 7.

Day 1-Chicago-I like to call this "hell day". Actually it was more like "hell afternoon" as the morning was quite nice. Drove through Wisconsin, a refugium for cheese and fireworks stores (we actually used this as an exclamation..."cheese and fireworks!!"...we hope it will catch on better than "gee whiz"). Also plently of big-box porn stores along the highway. Played "what's that smell" several times. The cow, pictured above, was from a cheese store in said state. I love Wisconsin.

Afternoon, approached the Chicago freeway system with well-deserved dread. It seems like construction and detours are the name of the game this year, and we wound up getting lost TWICE before we actually reached our motel. Saw endless signs for "Krazy Klein" the firework king, offering "buy one get SIX free"! The sign directing us to our motel was about 4 feet high and approxmately the size of a shoe box (again, the motel chain number between 5 and 7). The TV in the room didn't work, the staff was again surley, and we were caught in a torrential downpour after walking next-door to have dinner. After we reached our TV-less room, the power went off briefly, leaving us laughing a lot like Lionel Atwill in one of the movies we love to watch.

Day 3-back-tracked through a toll-gate to get out of Chicago, but otherwise a nice smooth trip across Indiana and Ohio to get to Pennsylvania. Saw the best road name ever: Fangboner Road. I would LOVE to live on "Fangboner Road"

Day 4-5-6: MONTER BASH Always a great time, but the Bash seemed a little subdued this year. Got to meet Julie Adams from "Creature from the Black Lagoon" and Ann Robinson from "War of the Worlds". Watched the Mexican schlock classic "Little Read Riding Hood Meets the Monsters" and listened to UFO researcher Stan Gordon talk for what seemed like 6 hours on the "kecksburg" incident and how UFO's and Bigfoot (Bigfoots? Bigfeet?) seem to be related. Mused at the irony that EVRY ONE of his slides seemd to be blurry. Didn't sleep much, but had a great time!

Day 7-END RUN AROUND CHICAGO-we REALLY didn't want to be trapped in Chicago and environs so we booted it across the border back into Wisconsin. Stayed at a larger-numbered motel chain (between 7 and 9) and watched public-access political opinion panels from Kenowsha (should smoking be banned in restaurants and bars? Didn't we go through this about 10 years ago?) Saw a sign for the greatest recreational facility in the world: the "Bong Recreational park". Oh yeah.

Day 8-END RUN AROUND MINNEAPOLIS-again, trying to avoid the freeway experience. I think I understand why some people go "postal" if they have to deal with that every day of their lives. Stayed in St. Cloud for the night, home of the St. Cloud River Bats (great logo, a baseball bat with little bat wings. I thought I could hear people singing " tra-lah-tra-lee-hocus pocus")

Day 9-home again home again. The border crossings were acually quite civilized going both ways. Driving at 60kph in the city felt like I was walking slowly. Home safe and ready for next year!

The alternate title was "Barroom Blintz"

2010-05-24T10:38:00.000-07:00

Here's a little re-wording of the "classic" song by Sweet, Barroom Blitz

Bingo Blitz (with apologies to Sweet)

Are you ready, Steve? What?.
Andy? Huh?
Mick? Eh?
Alright, fellas, let's go!

Oh my artieries are so hard
Livin' with the pills they sell to me, aha
Oh my dreams are getting so strange
Getting up six times at night to pee

Oh, I have a sore back
As a matter of fact my eyes are red as the sun
And a girl with the walker used to fly a Fokker
'Cause she flew in WW1

Oh, yeah, it was like lightning, my chest was tightening
And the music was soothing, and my bowels started grooving
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

And the man at the back said
I'm having an attack and it turned into a Bingo blitz
And the girl in the corner said
Have you seen my warmer?, it'll turn into a Bingo blitz
Bingo blitz, Bingo blitz, Bingo blitz, Bingo blitz

I'm reaching out to switch off...
Using the Clapper's all I ever do
Oh, I softly call you over
By the time you hear I can't remember you,
aha

Now the man with the back
That's ready to crack as he lower his hands to the sea
And the girl in the chair with the lavender hair
Had it paid for by AARP
My hearing aid's electric, how do I connect it?
And the kids started leaving, 'cause we all stopped breathing

Refrain

Hey what was that, lightning?, my chest is still tightening
But the Fibre was soothing, and my bowels started moving
Refrain
It's it's a Bingo blitz, it's it's a Bingo blitz
It's it's a Bingo blitz, yeah, it's a Bingo blitz

Things I Learned this Week

2010-05-10T13:37:00.000-07:00

Every day can be a learning experience if you give it a chance. I decided to try to recall what I learned that expanded my overall knowledge of, and appreciation for, my little corner of creation.

My friend's cat, "Molson" likes to steal wallets. I don't know if it's part of my friend's retirement plan, but if so, it's a darn clever one

Tap dancing is a heck of a lot harder than it looks. If I wasn't awed by people like Fred Astaire, Gener Kelly or Ann Miller before, I bow down to them now. Imagine running a marathon while smiling (and not sweating), making people think you are not expending any energy at all, and you have tap dancing.

My girlfriend does an awesome impersonation of Dr Who as played by David Tennant. She's able to mimic his expression absolutely perfectly, and with little-to-no preparation time needed. Convention scene, here we come.

Like Hannibal Smith from the A Team, I also "love it when a plan comes together". This week I went to a UPS store with some images on one of those little memory-stick thingies left here by aliens (I'm sorry, there's no way a speices that can't even pick up it's own garbage can independently invent a small black square that holds thousands of encyclopedias worth of knowledge). My plan was to print them out on 11 x 17 paper and they ALL turned out better than I thought. Apart from being able to save them to the alien stick in the first place, I was pretty jacked about my success here.

First I thought: Mother's Day must be a bit of a let-down for Mom. No matter what you do for her, it's probably going to leave you feeling like you haven't done enough to celebrate Mom's efforts for you over your lifespan. Then I thought: Mom is getting some gifts, a free meal AND instilling a little residual guilt in her offspring. Mother's Day actually works perfectly.

Rally Round the Flag ??

2010-05-02T13:50:00.000-07:00

For the most part, I like flags. They are a tangible representation of pride in one's country, community or organization. Many flags use a number of traditional heraldic devices and images, giving them a timeless look. Sometimes, though, a community seems to have an artistic grand mal seizure, and produce a civic emblem that is neither artistic nor inspirational (unless you count slight stomach upset as a type of inspiration). Here's a few that I have recently seen. Keep in mind my comments have nothing to do with the good folks who live in these places.

The first one is from the district of Hudson's Hope B.C. Probably a friendly little place, with salmon leaping joyfully out of the streams and onto the resident's barbeques, while kitchen taps dispense Red or White wines, rather than Hot or Cold water. What struck me about this one was the motto: "Land of Dinosaurs and Dams". WOW! Was this a statement of civic pride or a warning to unwary travellers? Is this the only alliterative motto in B.C., or are there others? (Kelowna, Land of Kitchens and Ken dolls)

The next is from Flin Flon Manitoba. This is one of a group I like to call the "corporate logo" school of flags. Looking at it, you may suspect Flin Flon is a mine and a pine tree stuck in the middle of a lake. Just having the words "Flin Flon" in such a plain type on the flag makes me think they were going to add the phrase "what of it?", but didn't want it to look too crowded. Flin Flon is actually a pretty cool place, with a wonderful statue of a fictional character after which the town was named. I wish more towns had the guts to name themselves after completely unreal characters. I, personally, would love to live in "Yoda, Manitoba", and would insist on helping design the flag for that one.

Number three is the city of Calgary, a bustling, modern, heavily urbanized centre that should have had more foresite than to have Pac-Man chewing on a cowboy hat as their flag. Oh sure, I know Calgary likes to promote it's cowboy-ish heritage, and the Calgary Stampede brings millions of dollars and hundreds of cattle to the city. But really, doesn't it look a little bit more like a placemat than a flag?

The fourth continues the "Pac-man" theme. This time Alma, Quebec combines the abstract with the sensual, as their flag looks like the passionate coupling of Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man. Perhaps this is where they went away for their honeymoon? Does Alma have a surplus of dots, fruits and pretzels floating down their streets that attracted these famous celebrities? Only Alma knows for sure.

Finally, we have the flag of Lethbridge Alberta. I'm not sure what to call this one, but the old "cubes and stripes" comes to mind. I've tried to see something of the city in the design of the flag (a fort? a cow? a letter "L"?), but the only thing that comes to mind is their proximity to the United States. Maybe this was one of those "better safe than sorry" civic decisions at a time when it looked like the country may be in danger of breaking up (no, no, we're ACTUALLY part of the States, see??)

I LOVED THAT COMMERCIAL!!

2010-04-27T18:42:00.000-07:00

Lately I've seen a couple of TV commercials that actually impressed me with their sheer audacity and entertainment value. No, I'm not talking about that mayonaisse commercial where an obnoxious group of young pretties spasms around at a rooftop party while the announcer tries to sell you on the idea that eating that brand of mayo makes you the most daring thing since the flapper. (They're eating MAYO? ...on a SANDWICH???? why they're so radical and "in my face"! I'll abandon everything I thought I knew and start a cult in their honor)

On commercial that made an impression with me was for....wait for it...an "egg cracker"! Have you seen this? The first time I saw it I was waiting for the evidence that it was some kind of joke, but it never came. Apparently someone came up with the ultimate kitchen gadget, a device that will crack eggs "perfectly" every time. The announcer starts by reminding us of the shame we felt over the poorly cracked eggs in our past, and asks if we are "tired" of finding egg shells in our omlettes (as a woman spits them out disgustedly to prove the point) or of having to wipe up those egg spills on the stove (ain't THAT the truth). Well, with Mr. Lickedy-Split (or whatever it was called), you no longer have to live in fear of hen fruit. The offer also came with (and I'm not lying about any of this) a device to scramble your eggs while they are still INSIDE THE SHELL!!! Land o' Lakes, what a device! It looked like a little pen you jam into the bottom of the egg to swirl up the contents before using the egg craker to dispense them sanitarily into your fry pan. And you can get BOTH of these for....wait for it...."TWO EASY PAYMENTS OF TEN DOLLARS"!!!! Now realitically, the only people who would have THAT much problem with eggs either lack opposable thumbs or have tried to have their dog crack their eggs for them. For the sheet stones it takes to sell such a product, though, I LOVED THAT COMMERCIAL!

The other was for Old Spice body wash. It started with a young male model type wearing a towel and a smile as he speaks to you from a sauna. He asks the ladies watching "look at me....now look at your husband....now look at ME again.." We quickly see he is Mr. Smug humorously personified, as he tells the ladies that, while hubby may never match his uber-glam male beauty, they can SMELL like him with the Old Spice Body Wash. This commercial was REALLY well filmed, as Mr. Smug walks from the sauna onto the deck of a ship, frequently calling up examples of things that drive the women-folk mad (e.g. "two tickets to that thing you want to see") and the similar effect the body wash will have with the poor shmoe husbands out there. The point made and pitch finished, Mr. Smug ends by pointing out "I'm on a horse". After seeing this commercial for the first time I had to pause for a couple of seconds deciding if I liked it or not. As it turned out...I LOVED THAT COMMERCIAL!

Hint Hint-Really Great Links!

2010-04-26T19:09:00.000-07:00

Since I've had all this extra spare time, I've been able to follow up on some projects I've been working on. One of them involves the creation of what I think is a pretty cool game I'm going to formally announce in the next little while. In working on that and other projects I have found some very useful sites where you can download AT NO COST, and apparently virus-free, software that works REALLY WELL! Here's what I found:

Working in Microsoft Wordpad and need to send a document in Word? Look up "Open Office". You can download an office suite where EVERYTHING is compatible with EVERYTHING. They have a Powerpoint-style slideshow creator, an excel-type spreadsheet and other great applications. Best of all, if you have a "Works" document and you need to send it in "Word" format, it will save your document in a Word compatible file.Now why couldn't Microsoft figure out how to do that??

Need to manipulate images? Take a look at "Irfanview". You can create photo-slideshows, add special effects, and for my purposes, resize regular 72 DPI images 9or any size for that mater) as publishable 300 DPI images, the kinds that printers always ask for! I've only used this today, but it seems to be a very easy and capable program!

Looking to kill some time? wht not visit the Museum of Unnatural Mystery? It' at www.unmuseum.org. Lot's of weird things to look at and discover, and unlike the supermarket tabloids you scan while waiting in the "express" line (is it mandatory for people who use this line not to bathe?) you end up feeling kind of smarter, in a Rod Serling sort of way.

Looking for a job? Go to www.indeed.ca. It's kind of a meta-job-search-engine that displays pretty much ALL posted jobs from multiple sites. Of course, you can personalize the search to your own parameters.

Www.madsci.org. Another cool timewaster, has a great recipe for making home-made slime among other cool experiments. Surprise your friends at work, or plan for that extra-special stocking-stuffer. The way science SHOULD be. Mad.

SO....if you have a lot of time on your hands you can EASILY fill it with creative and nutty exercises from there great sites-check 'em out!

Nerd Thoughts-on being a Nerd

2010-04-24T11:07:00.000-07:00

I found out I was a "nerd" several years ago. A friend from high school (who has since married one of my nerd friends) admitted that she always considered my little group a bunch of "nerds". Now of course, we were shocked and awed by this. Being nerds, one never actually thinks they are a nerd. Why we were on the yearbook committee! Sold oranges to support the band! Avoided athletics! And most of all, quoted Star Trek and Monty Python endlessly and accurately. (Yeah, I know, it sounds like a cheap old stereotype, but stereotypes exist because they include a great deal of truth. Don't believe me? Go visit your employer's IT department on some pretext. I guarantee you'll see little plastic R2D2's and 6-packs of pudding cups everywhere).

What makes a Nerd? Well, if you've ever wondered if Vulcans can knock themselves out with their own nerve pinch, AND considered it a pretty cool skill to have, you're probably a bit nerdish.

You may hear the word "nerd" spoken where it clearly wasn't. AGF and I were watching an old rerun of The Rockford Files (Jim Rockford being definitely not a nerd) when there was a scene with Jim (I'm sure I can call him that, we're old buds) talking to a client who was taken to the hospital. The man groaned and when Jim asked him what happened I was SURE he said "I was hit on by a pack of nerds". Sure, probably not the original dialogue, but it sure sparked up a fairly routine episode.

Actually I kind of like my nerdish status. "Popularity" has too high a price for my tastes.

On the plus side....LOTS of time to do things now

2010-03-13T12:22:00.000-08:00

Well I've just had a life experience that millions of other people have had, but one which I have never experienced until now. I was laid off on Thursday.

Now in the indusry I was in, it was always possible that my job would disappear, and in the last little while, it became more and more obvious that something was going to happen. When the training guy doesn't have anyone to train for months, and it doesn't look like there would be for many MORE months, well the writing was on the wall. To be fair, my ex-company was very good to me, and I'm on no financial distress now or for the next several months at least. However, it did present me with the following insights.

1-my house is REALLY dusty. Having the time to actually look in corners, behind televisions and under sofas made me realize I've bee a bit derelict in my cleaning duties. Now I'll finally have time to test that Shamwow.

2-I'll be able to go bowling on a weeknight. Usually weeknights have been reserved for mundane maintenance duties like laundry, grocery shopping and shovelling snow/ cutting grass, depending on the season. Now I'll be able to wear those supernaturally comfy rent-a-shoes whenever I want. BTW, did you ever look at the word "weeknight" and read it as "wee knight"?

3-I'm surprisingly unperturbed. A lot of this has to do with the generous settlement my ex-employer has given me, but right now I'm pretty relaxed about the whole thing. Someone, somewhere apparently said that everyone has three or four careers in their lifetime. Looks like I'm in for my next one-what will it be??? Male model? Lunatic reclusive candy maker? Shamwow salesman? It's like the entire universe is suddenly my oyster, and I'm the irritating bit of sand that will make me a pearl!

4-If I want, I can sit in my PJ's and eat macaroini and cheese all day long.

5-telling your friends and family is the worst part of the entire experience. Having to repeat bad news several times is like living through it all over again. I think it's especially hard on the last person to be told. While they're coming to grips with the shock of the news, you're already onto blase. I think we all need a loud-mouthed schnook in our lives who will happily spread bad news for you.

Anyway, that's what's new this week. Now I'll have plenty of time to do more blogging :)

Confusion...or correction??

2010-02-06T14:07:00.000-08:00

Ever notice how easy it is to mistake or transpose words you've heard or read? I'm becoming convinced that our minds are actually correcting the mundane and blase, and making the world as entertaining as it really should be. Here's a few smidgens from the last day or two.

I was listening to Steve Miller singing "Jet Airliner" on the oldies station in the car. For some reason I was singing "sweet old jet airliner", and I think I like that version better. AGF (awesome girl friend) told me about a co-worker of hers that has been singing "it's a family of bears" to the song "It's a family affair". Now THAT is infinitely better than the original.

Today I went to a friend's used bookstore (Zed Books-if you're in Winnipeg, check them out!!). I bought a copy of Rita Mae Brown'd mystery "Catch as Cat Can", which she "co-authors" with her cat, "Sneaky Pie Brown". When my friend checked through the book he said "I though this said "Sneaky Brown Pete". Again, a MUCH BETTER NAME.

In my office at work I have a copy of a 1950's-era wrestling poster, featuring a match with someone named "Dirty Dick Swailes". As if that name wasn't goodenough, a co-worker caught a glance at the poster and said "I thought his name was Dirty Dick Sweaty Balls". Easily, the BEST WRESTLING NAME EVER!!!!.

Mistakes? Or raw, unexpurgated creativity???

Thoughts on Mo-Town

2010-02-06T13:40:00.000-08:00

Last week I returned from a two-week business trip to Detroit, Mighigan. The motor city's economic woes have been well documented over recent years, and they are still evident in parts of their downtown, where you can see 30 storey buildings boarded up from top to bottom, and struggle to find a retail outlet larger than a pharmacy. Instead of belabor the obvious, I thought I'd share some good points about my visit to Mo-Town.

Greektown-I ate here on a number of nights, and the food and service in every restaurant was great. I especially liked some of the older places, where you can still still on a wooden chair at a wooden table covered with a red-checkered tablecloths, or sit in a booth. One place had the best deep-dish pizza i think I've ever eaten.

The Detroit Red Wings- I was able to see a Wings/LA Kings game on my visit. The Joe Louis Arena (or the "Joe" as people call it) is an older place designed as one large bowl, rather than in a series of decks. Every sight line is great and they served the world's best beer, Lienenkeugal (sorry about the spelling), shipped in from Wisconsin. They even played Stompin' Tom Connor's anthem "The Good Old Hockey Game" at the start. Lots of tradition, great beer and a free water bottle.

Windsor Ontario. OK, so Windsor isn't officially part of Detroit, it's south, across the river. It was nice to see the skyline of Windsor, and from my hotel room, I was able to see part of Caesars hotel and casino between the towers of the GM headquarters in the Rennaissance Center. Unfortunately, all I could see were huge red letters spelling "SARS", but hey, it was a nice view.

Great popcorn-one night I went to see "Sherlock Holmes" in one of the Rennaissance Center movie theaters. I have to admit, their popcorn was probbaly among the best I've tasted, and I think they used real butter.

Folks=the people I met were generally nice. At the place I usually had breakfast (Anton's breakfast and lunch), I was usually addressed as "honey" by the lady taking my order. For a city with a reputation for violence, the people I met were quite nice.

In a way I kind of feel bad for Detroit. they are struggling with rebuilding their downtown, like a number of cities in North America. Unfortunately, they are facing the old chicken/ egg conundrum of which should come first, the people, or the shops and services to attract the people. Here's hoping the people of that city can turn their fortunes around

Ruminations on Grey Cup 2009

2009-11-30T14:49:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the Grey Cup, the Canadian Football League championship game, wherein the Montreal Alouettes defeated the Saskatchewan Roughriders 28-27 on a field goal with zero time left on the clock. A thriller for some, a crushing disappointment for others, but for the CFL, another great showcase for the funnest football league on the planet. Here are some thoughs about what I saw before, during and after the game.

1-I hate to say this, but the game looked kind of "cheap" to me. I'm not talking about the game itself or the play of the teams, I'm talking about the way the game was presented. The player introductions are usually done with a lot of hooplah; fireworks, smoke, coloured lights, explosions, screaming cheerleaders and fans, and possibly stampeding moose. This year there seems to be 12 guys waving flags at the players as they ran into the field. The flags weren't even in the team colours. The half-time show, featuring a song or two by Blue Rodeo, had the puniest crowd of "fans" I've ever seen. It looked they asked the grounds crew and some passing lumberjacks to pause briefly in front of the stage and occasionally shake their arms in random directions. The presentation of the Grey Cup itself took forever. By the time the mounties carried the trophy onto the field, all the sober fans were gone, leaving a few dazed Stampeder fans who were still wondering where their team was, and are the playoffs about to begin? I know we live in a PC universe, but couldn't they actually get a pair of mounties the same size to carry the d*** Cup?? One looked like Marcia Wallace in a mountie costume, and the other seems to have a two-by-four up the yin yang. Other than that, it was a fine game.

2-I really love the fact that we have ONE Grey Cup, not newly minted trophies to collect and trade, as the Super Bowl does. Would anyone care how many times a Super Bowl trophy was broken by the players that won it? Would a Super Bowl trophy be left behind in a strip club? Has a Super Bowl trophy ever been held for ransom? I rest my case.

3-Every CFL season, there are a number of loud-mouthed, obnoxious "fans" in Canada who can't seem to tolerate the fact that large numbers of Canadians still like to watch CFL football. They usually surface at Grey Cup time, and can't wait to tell anyone who's listening that CFL fans must be the dumbest of brush-apes to even consider watching the CFL, a league, they say, is full of undersized NFL cast-offs and poorly trained Canadians. They mock the "small salaries" and "small stadiums", and generally try to puff themselves up as being somehow mentally superior to favor the NFL product. Well folks, you can watch whatever you want. The NFL IS a good product for people who like that brand of football, and their players are amazing atheletes. But let's be real here for a minute-we're talking about professional football.....grown men playing a game for our entertainment!!! I personally take satisfaction in the fact that a single CFL players' average salary is in-line with their medium-to-well paid fans, not the operating budget for an entire teaching staff of a middle-sized school, or the development budget for several 3rd world villages. I like the fact that we used to (and hopefully will again soon) had two teams named "Rough Riders". And I love the fact that's it's ours. If you can't at least respect something you've inherited from your fathers and grandfathers, you're probably the type of person who boos their own kids at a hockey game. Get a life and shut up.

Greatest....Store....Ever!

2009-10-31T13:58:00.000-07:00

I admit it....I love a bargain. Growing up in a city like Winnipeg, which is frequently used as a "test market" due to the conservative nature of it's shoppers, makes it inevitable that I prefer shopping in bargain palaces like "The Bargain Store", "Giant Tiger" and "Value Village". A pack of twenty pencils where the lead is off centre? Sold! Weird foods from naufacturers that don't exist in this hemisphere? Why not? Light bulbs that make a room darker rather than brighter? Well, if they're cheap, I'll just light some candles! It doesn't matter if it's a bargain!!!

Of these, I think the greatest is a cool store called "United Unlimited". It's a warehouse bargain store, located under a bridge right next to the CPR rail yards. Shoppers at "United Unlimited" are a joyful lot, who temporarily ignore the toxins that are most likely floating in the air to nab the greatest bargains a "bargain" city could imagine! Looking for that velvet cowboy hat, "Gwen Stephani" doll or air rifle? Go to "United Unlimited"! Missing that mink blanket, car wax or computer keyboard? Just haunt "United Unlimited". Can find the right fit for that Roman helmet or Viking Battle Axe? You guessed it! "U.U." has it all!

Perhaps the BEST thing about "U.U." is the flyer that comes to your door. I've tried to scan and post a couple of pictures from the latest one which, among other products, bragged about selling "fake" security cameras for 10 dollars, pints of stain for 1 dollar and my favorie, the "extend your reach by 3 feet tool" (only 8 dollars!!). Among the sale items are the GREATEST entries in any flyer. One picture shows "cool shades" for 2 dollars. I wasn't quite able to make out what I was looking at, until I noticed the "cool shades" were placed on the stubby tail of a large brown Boxer. The other scan shows "my new kitten", in the floor-level pants of it's owner, who is apparently squatting on a toilet with a newspaper in front of him.

A.G.F and I are saving these flyers, and to our bestest buds in Pile O' Bones and further points north, you can expect your own copy of the flyer soon.

But you have to come the the 'Peg to actally shop there!! See you in the bobble-head aisle!!

Do you work with Sims???

2009-08-20T07:50:00.000-07:00

I've just decided. I must work with Sims.

As most people know by now, "The Sims" is a very popular computer game franchise that allows the player to create and control any number of little simulated people. The player can select how they look and dress from a variety of heads and bodies, buy and furnish houses for them, get them jobs, dates, pets, children, and basically live out an entire "Sim" life based on the player's whims.

I've decided I must be working with Sims for the following reasons:

1-my boss has Betty Brant's hair. If anyone remembers the old Spiderman cartoon from decades ago (yes the one with the coolest theme ever, the one that assures us that Spidey can indeed, "do whatever a spider can". Welcome? Fame? Nope....he is, naturally, ignored, his only reward being "action".....and plenty of it). Anyway, that was a pretty long aside, The point is, Betty Brant, the secretary of the distrurbingly Hitler-esque J. Jonah Jamieson, had a strange helmet of a hair-do with evenly-spaced bangs in the front, and a little flippy lip around the shoulders. My boss, a youngish male, has the very same hair-do. Betty Brant hair on a young male body. Would anyone else other than a Sim combine these attributes on purpose??

2-outrageous conversation. In The Sims, the characters "converse" in a strange set of heiroglyphics that seem to indicate they are talking about cars, planes, desks buildings with columns and other assorted images. The conversations never seem to make much sense, other than the fact that some Sims appear to enjoy talking about cars, the sun, etc., and others register their displeasure by repeating the glyph with a little red X through it. Our Sim conversation this week came from one of our Big bosses, who gave us a "state of the company" address, which was so laden with unknown acronyms he could have been talking in some sort of lost mutant groundhog tongue. All I know is that some charts showed red lines going up, and others showed them going down. Sims communicating in their own Sim language??

3-the ultimate proof: irrational behavior. In The Sims, the characters can be occasionally confused if, say, their access throug a doorway is blocked by something; a Sim cat, Sim person or a Sim garbage can. Sims usually react by pointing at the offending object, shrugging their Sim shoulders and shaking their heads as if to say "Wha?". The Sims can get so perplexed by their little problem that it's possible for a character to "starve to death" just standing around waiting for the blockage to resolve itself. Today one of the bosses was told that a worker's telephone didn't work; it was emitting a loud buzzing sound making it impossible to converse with anyone (whish was the employee's job). The boss advised that a replacement phone be installed, and was informed that it was tried with no success-there must be something wrong with the telephone line. The bosses decision: well there's no place else for them to sit, so the employee will just have to sit there and try to do their job on a phone that didn't work!!!.

Keep an eye out for Sims in YOUR workplace. It's fun and educational-and they're easy to lock in closets!!

WOW...visible people!!

2009-08-08T12:42:00.000-07:00

We (being AGF and I) have just returned from our favorite second-hand store with armloads of goodies, including, for myself, entire Visible Man and Visible Woman model kits, with instructions....all for only $7.99!!! (they came in the lid of a Visible Man box-maybe not collector-worthy, but still cool to me!).

For those who don't remember, the "Visible Man" and "Visible Woman" were educational plastic model kits put out by a company called "Renwal" of Mineola, New York in the 1960's and early 70's. They were 1/5th scale representations of the human body, showing skeletal structure, organs and representations of the nervous system, and they looked like the creepy models you always stared at in your doctor's office as a kid (either that or you stared at those weird calendars portraying industrious little bug/human hybrid communities involved in a variety of smurf-like activities....anyone remember what those things were called??). The Visible Man and Woman were really detailed kits, allowing the builder to assemble a human torso from bones on up. The body was clear plastic, and there was a large chest cavity allowing the builder to poke around and explore the arrangement of organs, or pretend to build a Frankenstein monster, whatever floated your boat.

The Visible Woman, though an intriguing concept to pre-pubescent males of the time, actually including a perfectly-scaled fetus and infant, which would have made a terrific educational tool for parents giving their kids the "birds and bees" talk. The kits could be built as-is or painted in realistic colours, which were suggested in the instructions (apparently the upper surface of the Transverse Colon is "greenish-pink" while the Rectum is "brownish-pink". Try to find THOSE colours from Testors!!)

I've posted scans of the first pages of the instructions, and I'd be happy to make and send details scans if any collectors wanted copies for their own use. Just respond here with an e-mail addres you'd like it sent to. No viruses included, promise!!

Anyway, finding these old model kits at a bargain proce was Better Than Awesome, especially when one of the ladies said they have collectors price their vintage items, then price them lower than suggested retail!!!! AGF was able to pick of some coolio doll dresses and shoes, as well as a couple of books. Bargain stores..always BETTER THAN AWESOME!!!

Monster Bash 2009-WAY better than awesome!!

2009-07-03T15:27:00.000-07:00

I just returned from Monster Bash, the classic horror and science fiction movie convention held each year in Butler Pennsylvania (or was it Butler, Transylvania? The puns were pretty hot and heavy!)

Just like the last two years, Monster Bash was better than awesome. This year the theme was "Frankenstein" (yeah kind of like a Rose Bowl theme being "happiness" or "the world of friendship", there's SO much you can do with it!). We had endless Frankie movies, Frankie impersonators walking (or maybe stalking) around, and actors with various ties to theme of "Frankenstein" (e.g. Gary Conway, who played the "Teenage Frankenstein" in the movie of the same name was there!).

On amore serious note, Lou Ferrigno, who played the Hulk on TV was also a guest. On the first day of the convention the world learned that Michael Jackson had died. Lou was working as a trainer for Michael, which meant the Bash was probably pretty stressful for him. Despite that, and some reporters who were spotted lurking in the hallways (hey, who are the REAL ghouls here??)Lou stayed the whole weekend to greet his fans. As far as I know, the monster kids all respected his privacy and didn't ask him about Michael Jackson. Bash looks after Bash.

Most monster fans love the A & C movie "Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein", so they showed that (drive -in movie style, outside in the parking lot), as well as having a pair of the greatest Abbott and Costello impersonators I've ever seen, AND Lou Costello's daughter, Chris Costello, with some of her family's old home movies. Toss in celeb's like Ricou Browning, the original Creaure from the Black Lagoon (underwater version-the land Creature was played by Ben Chapman, who just passed away last year), a great dealer's room, and hundreds of Bash-hungry monster kids and you have this man's version of heaven-on-Earth.

Some personal highlights: I met more fellow Bashers this year than in my previous two Bashes. One was a gent named Bill who I met at the Drive-in A & C night. He's an older gentleman who was sitting on a walker, waiting for the show. I had a rent-a-car, and was alone, so I invited him to take a seat in the car. To make a long story short, we became best buds. he asked me all about Canada's health-care system, and what he was hearing on his local news (much of it bad). He turned out to be a CFL fan, so we talked Canadian Football long past the point I thought he would get bored. On Sunday night, after the Bash was over for the year, we sat in the hotel pub and yakked 'till they kicked us out. Here's to Bill-see you next year bud!

Here's also to Ken & Michelle-they're a couple who needed a ride to the Pittsburgh airport, or were facing a $100.00+ cab fare! I was able to give them a ride and we laughed and talked the hour away. Needless to say, I hope to see you guys there again next year as well.

Monster Bash celebrates the classic monster movies we loved so much as kids. Moreso, however, it celebrates the fact that, as adults, we love the fact that we're able to get together with other "monster kids" to share our passion for these classic old films and characters. It may be advertised as a movie convention, but it's really a giant-sized green-skinned love-in with bolts in it's neck! Better Than Awesome.

I want to ride my bi-CYCLE...

2009-06-14T20:27:00.000-07:00

This weekend AGF's parent's were in town to celebrate AGF's birthday. which was on Friday (happy birthday baby!!). We had the chance to get together, eat multiple high-calorie meals, and most of all, cruise yard sales in their time here. AGF was able to snag a nice set of glasses (drinking, not viewing) and a piece of fabric which now serves as a curtain in her bedroom. AGF's mom was able to get some fabric and a blue-and-white Delft saucer for only .50 cents. AGF's dad viewed the enterprise with his traditional wit and the occasional "hah".

Now to give a bit of background, I have been keeping an eye out for a really good second-hand bicycle for a while now, in an attempt to increase my level of physical fitness and stay alive as long as possible to hang out with AGF. I've occasionally haunted the local Value Village and Sally Ann stores, but never quite found something I would feel good about buying. This weekend, however, we found the garage sale of my dreams!

I was ablt to pick up, for what seemed to be the good proce of $50.00, an almost-new 12-speed bike. It has the brand name "McInley", for whatever that means. All I know is I finally have a bike after a gap of at least 30 years!.

Today I took my first bike ride down a residential street that is closed to vehicle traffic on Sundays. I have to say, my first ride alone was worth the $50.00 I spent on the bike! This has been a late spring, so the lilac bushes are still in full bloom. Racing down the street (well, pedalling slowly, but to me it was racing), smelling newly cut grass and lilacs, and feeling the sun on my back, made me a kid again. Notice, I didn't say I felt like a kid...I honestly thought to myself, "I am a kid again!"

To anyone who has considered getting a bike and starting to pedal around again, I say, don't wait a minute longer! As I write this it is just after 10:30 at night. The sun has just gone down a short while ago, and I'm feeling muscles in my thighs I forgot were there. Also, the area of my physicality colloquially known as my "ass" appears to be protesting each time I pass by the seat of the bicycle, which is currently resting in my first-floor hallway (the bicycle, not my "bum"). Nevertheless, I don't regret a minute of it. My "ass", scientifically known as my gluteals, has a week before the next Sunday ride; plenty of time to forget what I put it through today. Besides, I've spent years watching out for it, covering it, avoiding kickers, kissers and breakers. The least it can do is make peace with Mr. Saddle. Perhaps a long soak will help....

Ruminations in a bead store

2009-06-06T11:15:00.000-07:00

Weekends with AGF (awesome girl friend) are often gloriously spent hanging out on the sofa, watching movies, reading books or playing The Sims. As a treat, we occasionally leave the house and make an expedition to either an uber-cool second hand store at the top of my street (the "Helping Hand", where I recently purchased an awesome crock pot for $8.00!!) or to a craft store so AGF can resupply her hobby/obsession....beading.

I never knew much about the beading universe before AGF started her hobby, but now I think I am at least passingly conversant. Mention "swarofski" or "jump rings", and I no longer have an expression like a confused dachshund pondering a rubber pork chop. I have to admit, while I am impressed by the variety of shapes, colours and sizes of beads available in these stores, watching AGF coo over the latest bead discovery has become one of the greatest joys in my life, and is a major motivator to join her on these expeditions.

One store we frequent here in town is an out-of-the-way store located in a somewhat industrial area on the edge of downtown. The store is a one-storey brick affair, with no discernable windows and just a small square sign indicating it's actually a business. Now while many stores try to be either "craft" or "hobby" stores, this place is seriously about beads, and all things beading. It seems to service the traditional aboriginal market, as they sell items like tinkling cones, feathers, leather, etc. common to native ceremonial costumes. Needless to say, their bead selection is dizzying, and it's proprietors are frighteningly knowledgable about beading.

To add to the fun, each trip ends up becoming a mind-warping experience, thanks to the fanciful ruminations of one of it's owners. There's a man and a woman who work at and seem to own the store. Inevitabley, while the woman serves AGF in her shopping, the man seems to have decided I am some sort of kindred spirit, and starts talking at me about the strangest things. Topics he has soliliquized on include: coal mining in Manitoba; toxic spills in a river near Detroit (it melted a bridge!!), mysterious buried railroad tracks in Saskatchewan (up to 15 feet deep!), windshield washer fluid that melts windshields, the appalling lack of Chili in Regina after 6pm, and the challenges of driving trucks across rock and muskeg north of the tree line.

Bead guy also seems to take some perverse pleasure in trapping us in the snare of his conversation just as we're leaving the store. The last three times we were there, AGF and I would be literally 1 foot away from the door, when he would start another obtuse ramble about mysterious goings-on in the past, present or possibly the future. Often he wouldn't even be looking at us as he waxed poetic about the cost of heating his building or the odd disappearance of wealthy families from the city, he'd just gaze off into the distance.

Of course, while all this is going on, the woman (his spouse? partner? sister? doctor? we have no idea) take the opportunity to earn what is probably a well-deserved breather, and surf the net for more vital bead updates.

Actually, we're starting to look forward to these trips. it seems bead guy never runs out of mysteries to ponder, and so far we never run out of energy trying to understand what he is talking about.

I just noticed. The word "beading" becomes "beheading" when you add "He". Maybe I'll ask bead guy about this the next time we're in the store.

Aurora Model Kits=Better Than Awesome!!

2009-05-31T13:05:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid (admittedly a pretty dorky one), the ultimate Saturday night was building a plastic model kit then watching the Chiller Thriller movie on Channel 12, KCND TV (all the way from North Dakota via our cutting edge roof-top antenna!!).

There were lots of plastic model makers, but in my mind and heart the greatest was a company called Aurora. Like other model makers, they had popular lines like cars, airplanes, tanks, etc., but Aurora, I felt, had two huge advantages over other model makers. First of all, they made models of all my favorite movie monsters, in both regular and "glow in the dark" versions, cleverly getting me to buy the same model two, three or even four times, depending on how many times I knocked them off the top of my dresser, or my parents threw them away out of concern for my young psyche.(The most notorious was the "guillotine" kit, which actually worked and chopped the little guy's head off. Bliss!)

For the most part, these kits were high quality, the pieces always fitting together properly, with lots of "hand candy" to add to the monster tableau you were building (for example, the Mummy had a cool plastic cobra, the Creature had a weird-looking lizard, etc.) The kits pictures were prices from $1.00 to $1.49, not too bad on a .50cent per week allowance. It wasn't just building the model of course, it was painting them! Choosing the tiny little glass bottles of Testor's model paint was as "artistic" as young boy minds got in those days. For some reason, I remember how cool it felt to clutch those little indestructive bottles, and try to predict what shade of red would most simulate the "spurting blood" effect, requisite for any self-respecting monster.

The other advantage was the fantastic box art, shown here! These are scans from our old Aurora model catalogue, more treasured than any Christmas catalogue. These beautiful covers sometimes showed exactly what the kit might look like, but occasionally taught us the meaning of the term "artistic license" (the Wolfman never looked like that box cover, but what the heck, he was the Wolfman, and I believe he had some plastic rats on his diorama!). You can't quite make out the text in this scan, but you, the model builder, are encouraged to be the "man behind the monster", painting the models with "goulish green", "gruesome gray" and "bloody reds". How could a self-respecting mondter kid refuse??

Aurora also came out with some humorous takes on the moster craze, mixing them with the "hot rod" craze of designers like the immortal Big Daddy Ed Roth. What kid wouldn't want to build the "Frankenstein Fliver" or "King Kong's Thronester"? My personal favorite, which I never had, was "Godzilla's Go Cart". MAN he looked serious!!

I don't know if you can see the goofy Vampire and Frog kits displayed at the bottom of the monster dragster page, but the captions are as follows: the lady vampire with the ironically "crossed" eyes came with a sign that said "I like to go out at night...WAY OUT", while the frog had a sign that said "Kiss me and you'll live forever". The back of the sign said "You'll be a frog, but you'll live forever!".

What kid could want anything more?? Thanks Aurora, for being...BETTER THAN AWESOME!!

BTW-of anyone wants to see other scans from my old catalogue, just respond to this, I'd love to post some more!!

Flood Wolves-Manitoba Flood 2009-what's real and unreal??

2009-04-19T12:56:00.000-07:00

Hi Folks,

First of all, to the friends from outside Manitoba who read this blog, yes the flood situation here is serious, and no, it's not as critical as the media makes it sound!

I've been watching the local and national news, and watching the Red River, as it's only a couple of hundred feet from my house. Based on what I've been seeing on TV, I should be sandbagging myself into a frenzy, as intense news personalities wax poetically about the devastation they are witness to. The "Red Sea", as the wags like to call the flooded Red River, is inundating the province, and we are all canoeing to work. The fact of the matter is, the flood has been devastating to some communities south and north of the city of Winnipeg, and yes, some people living in diked communities actually have to boat or canoe from their homes to higher, dryer land. Within the city there have been a couple of neighborhoods on alert and busy sandbagging (including a street right by me), but for the most part most larger towns south of the city and the city itself have been protected, either by a system of dikes, or by the floodway, which diverts most of the flood water away from the city.

Of course, a news story that says "most communities safe, flood preparations have worked quite successfully" won't sell papers or have TV viewers on the edge of their seats. So instead of "majority of communities safe" we have stories like the one AGF and I saw this morning, where a talking head spoke gravely to a bloke who stayed home to man the sump pumps and canoe to work, while his family moved to the city.

While we appreciate the empathy that the news-types have shown for our little province, we couldn't help but come up with our own version of a Manitoba flood story, so here goes:

FLOOD WOLVES RAVAGE CITY

Talking head: "Breaking news from Winnipeg, Manitoba, somewhere in the western territories: brave but misguided plains-people struggle mightily against packs of dripping Flood Wolves!! Over to you Jerry!!"

Jerry: "That's right talking head!! The simple-minded but brave folk who foolishly decided to put their "city" in the middle of a flood plain are struggling naively against the barracuda of the prairies, the "Flood Wolf"! Every other year or so, as the Red River overflows it's banks in an attempt to innundate the simple, accordion-loving sod-busters of the plains, dormant Flood-Wolves awaken to quench their unending hunger for canoe paddles!"

"As the inconsequential westerners continue their never-ending struggle against "mother nature", who hates them by the way, their daily canoe-trips into the "city" of "Winnipeg" are beseiged by packs of ravenous and artistic Flood Wolves. Hungering after their canoe-paddles, the Flood-Wolves perform Esther-Williamsesque water ballets intended to confuse and arouse these hapless dimwits. Just yesterday, a "farmer" (that's someone who sticks seeds in the ground and waits for it to grow, instead of going to a store for their food like a civilized human being, talking head) was hypnotized by a pack of Flood Wolves performing a "floating star" pattern, while their comrades seized the poor "farmer's" paddles and made off with his only mode of locomotion. This "grower", as the primitive locals like to call them, drifted for days and was only rescued when his canoe drifted into the network catering truck, parked in the edge of the "dike", or pile of mud."

Talking Head: "Shocking news Jerry. I hope you didn't get too "dirty" walking to the catering truck."

As I've said, I don't want to minimize the effect that the flood has has on us. Hundreds if not thousands of hectares of farm land are under water, and a couple of thousand people have had to evacuate their homes. I just don't want us to forget the plus side: thanks to a heck of a lot of preparartion since the last major flood in 1997, we didn't have to ask for the help from the military, and most people and their property have been safe. With further work, we should be able to make most communities safe for the next time.

Except for those darn Flood Wolves.

Ultimate Uncool songs Part1

2009-03-26T18:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I wrote about the top ten songs I felt were always going to be considered "cool", no matter what your musical tastes are. Now I'm starting the list of songs so thoroughly uncool they will never be considered cool, even if Jimi Hendrix rises from the grave to perform it. There's only five right now because, well, the thought of these songs kind of drives me up the wall. Here goes:

Number 5-Que Sera Sera; Doris Day. Now I really don't have a problem with much of what Doris Day used to sing. She had a fantastic voice, and she certainly earned her spurs during years of singing with big bands, as a solo artist, and in trying to turn on Rock Hudson in assorted movies. This song, however, is one of those grating little earwigs of a song that slowly burrows into your head without you knowing it's happening. I think it turns from a mildly charming tune into a cloying mess when the tinkley chimes accompany Doris as she sings "now I have children of my own...". Apparently Doris herself didn't like this song, and was eternally disppointed that it became her "theme song". Sorry Doris...Que Sera Sera!

Number 4-Hot Diggity (Dog Diggity); Perry Como. Heres' another artist I have no general disagreement with. Perry had a nice, laid back voice, and wore some pretty "cool" (in an uncool way) sweaters, His song "Catch a Falling Star" is a pleasant, singable anthem that offends pretty much no-one. However, with "Hot diggity" Perry produced a "love song" that invokes images more closely related to an unsuccessful beer hall putsch than to feelings of tender affection. Throw in lyrics like "Never dreamed anybody could kiss thattaway, Bring me bliss thattaway, what a kiss thattaway" kind of makes me wonder what way Perry's talking about. Add the fact that it was used so successfully in an old Oscar Meyer hot dog commercial, and you have the ultimate "weenie" of a song.

Number 3-It's a Small World; Disney Wow. Here's a tune that expresses a kind and wonderful universal truth in a way that, rather than inspiring international brotherhood, just makes you want to hit your neighbor with a stick. It's a small world and a pretty small song, featuring that punchy chorus "its a small world after all its a small world after all its a small world after all its a small, small world" This is, of course, the theme to the one Disneyland/world/Euro ride that NOBODY actually wants to go on. Tickets please!!

Number 2- Sunshine Lollipops and Rainbows; Lesley Gore. Lesley Gore probably deserves her own wing of any uncool song museum. In addition to the ultimate pity party "It's My Party", and the bloody revenge song "It's Judy's turn to cry", Lesley brought us the song that is so perky and sugary it needs a warning label for diabetics. Of course, the lyrics continually remind the listener that "my life is sunshine, lollipops and rainbows...thats how this refrain goes". Yes Lesley, we KNOW! Believe it or not, Lesley sang this little ditty on one of those teenage romance movies of the sixties (sorry I forget the title), but instead of groovin' at the beach, the teenagers (including Tommy Kirk!) were on a bus to a ski resort. Lesley got up wand warbled this sone to bring rockin' good times to the rest of the bus! As Lesley said: "So come on. Join In. Everybody". Resistance is futile.

And my Number 1 uncoolest song ever: Let the Sun Shine In: Pebbles & Bamm Bamm.. The Flintstones is one of those iconic cartoons that pretty much everyone growing up in North America has been exposed to since it's inception back in the sixties. Most people know it started as a prime time TV series, long before The Simpsons and assorted clones make prime time animation a fact of life. Like any series, the first few seasons were the best. Even though the animation was limited, the stories and gags were hilarious and the show was loaded with veteran voice talent. THEN the rot started to creep in, in the form of Fred and Wilma's "adorable" child Pebbles. Pebbles looked like a large fat Tinkerbell, and her primary roll was to coo and gurgle at Fred, and occasionally ruin his bowling night. Pebbles was soon joined by Bamm Bamm, a super strong foundling baby cared for be the Flintstone's neighbors, the Rubbles. Pebbles and Bamm Bamm had mercifully short screen time, except for one incredibly painful episode where, in an extended dream sequence, Fred dreams they become singing stars. Of course the song is "Let the Sun Shine In". Not the cool 5th Dimension song, but a smarmy little epic that reminds us "smilers never lose and frowners never win" to an irritating little diaper rash of a melody. To make the matters worse, the song is performed at least three times, with Pebbles blowing kisses to her fans!! To this soiled diaper of a song I say "congratulations" on being the uncolest song ever!

Top Ten Trans-Genre Coolest Songer EVER!

2009-03-17T19:08:00.000-07:00

Ok, this is something that can be debated forever, and goodness knows I'm no music expert, but I wanted to put together a list of the top 10 songs that are so cool they transcend their genre. I was actually kind of suprised by the great artists I personally love that didn't make this list, but remember- a song doesn't just have to be great to make this list, it has to be great no matter what your tastes may lean towards. In reverse countdown order, here we go!

10-Jailhouse Rock-Elvis Presley. I'm not really an Elvis fan, but this one is so timeless it has to be here. Elvis in his prime, full of his sneering Memphis bravado that shocked a generation of parents and delighted their kids! The opening bars grab a hold of you and don't let go until you've danced with that wooden chair. Elvis rocks!

9-Mack the Knife-Bobby Darrin. Only the man who oozed more cocktail lounge charm than Sinatra could turn a song about a killer into into the swinginest anthem to murder ever crooned baby! A simple turn that builds to a magnificent crescendo-so good Bobby had to do it twice. Look out ol' Mackie's back!

8-These Boots Were Made for Walkin'-Nancy Sinatra. OK I know a lot of people will disagree with this one, especially due to the fact hat I didn't include any of her more talented dad's songs on this list! But look at it this way-here's a perfect boppin' little sixties sexual revolution anthem, dressed up in miniskirt and white latex boots, telling the guy who was "lyin' when he shoulda bin truthin" that he wasn't going to get away with it, and that's just fine by Nancy! Include a classic burn (what he knows you aint' had time to learn!!) and that's all she wrote. Ok boots...start walkin'

7- Like a Rollin' Stone-Bob Dylan. From one sixties revolution to another, but this time it's the terrible hangover after the party. Dylan wasn't much of a singer by most criteria, yet he created an anthem of disillusionment and regret that rocks, rather than whines and brings you down. How does it feel? Pretty good, Bob!

6- Crying-Roy Orbison. This is one of those songs that I thought was ridiculously corny when I was a kid, and can't get enough of now. Roy's voice is simply unmatched, and the rawness and honesty of his heartbreak just about knocks you off your feet. Nothing beats that climax at the end when his voice hits the stratosphere! (personal note, I thought the duet he did of Crying with k.d. lang could have been both his and her best work ever!)

5-A Hard Day's Night-The Beatles. From Lennon's first mysterious chord to Ringo's off the cuff slang of having a "Hard Day's Night", this one just drives-drives-drives then drives some more. If youthful exhuberance and sassiness can be distilled into a song, this would be the result. There's no way you can stand still with this one playing-put on your romeo boots and go!

4-Ring of Fire-Johnny Cash. Only the man in black and his incredible pipes makes what is esentially a love song into a trip to a Faustian underworld! The concept of "love is pain/pain is love" in an old one and usually handled with agonizing earnestness by lesser artists. Johnny not only pulls it off, but produces a toe-tapping great song that makes you believe this guy had been there and back again-and he had!

3-Midnight Hour-Wilson Pickett. Can one man define Soul in a single song? Maybe Wilson Pickett did with this power anthem to love and passion. Pickett's raspy promises of love that comes "tumblin' down" are backed by that incredible horn solo after the second verse. I defy anyone to not bop when that brass starts to testify!

2-Moondance-Van Morrison. Cool. Dreamy. Incredibly "sexy" in a way that overused word truly deserves. Moondance quite simply creates a mood and feel that is as much colour as it is sound. They say that some people have such heightened senses that they can literally "taste colour" or "smell sound". Moondace does that. Fantabulous!

And my number 1 trans-genre song:

Fever-Peggy Lee. What can you say about a song that is deceptively simple (just Peggy's smokey voice, a bass, a drum and lots of snapping fingers) and yet perfectly evokes the universal "fever" of desire that we have all felt. And this isn't just some tawdry plea to grunt and sweat in a broom closet somewhere (Brittany???), it's a sultry journey through a noble lineage of desire through the ages, culimating with the amazing Peggy Lee. Where Moondance is cool restful azure, Fever is boiling crimson and enjoys it. Peggy Lee. Fever. Just none better.

Mr. Guns-first sign of spring!?!

2009-03-16T08:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday AGF (Awesome Girl Friend) and I were driving back from a trip to one our favorite used book stores (Nerman's-check it out if you're ever in town) on a gorgeous early spring day. This city has a number of interesting individuals, some of them described in this blog (anyone remember "flying guy"? He was a man we saw running up and down the street with his arms back in a classic "delta wing" formation, zooming up and down the street and having the time of his life. Well today I'm adding "Mr. Guns"

As I said, we were driving home when a car passed us on the driver's side. There was a young guy (early 20's) in the back seat, wearing no shirt (or any discernable clothes of any kind), with his right arm filling the open window. Mr. Guns was happily flexing his arm for the general interest and amusement of anyone who cared to take a gander. Mr. Guns didn't appear to be in "bad" shape physically, but he could hardly be described as "muscle bound". Add to this, at the end of a long winter his complexion was white and pasty as the belly of a fish, you had a sight guaranteed to inspire and thrill the passer-by.

Mr. Guns- a true sign of spring.

Commentary: So who's the rebel now?

2009-03-10T18:21:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago the AGF and I were watching an interview piece with a Toronto area music critic. He has written a book called something like "Where is the Love" after he started to ponder the following topic. He and his music-critic buddies all universally reviled the music of Celine Dion, but this guy decided to sit down and try to figure out why exactly he felt this way. He listened to some of Ms. Dion's music, attended a concert, and basically enveloped himself in that special cosmos where Celine is the sun and her fans are merely orbiting bits of grateful space debris.

What this critic decided was that he hated Celine's music because it stood against everything he felt music should stand for. Real music, he felt, was topical, insightful, hard hitting, and most of all, rebelious! Real music set itself up against the "mainstream" and proudly spat in it's eye! Har Har!! Take that oppresive mainstream, what with your personal hygiene an all!

Then the author did something I didn't expect. He began to ponder what actually constitutes the "mainstream" nowadays. Is it Celine Dion? If so, why is she so universally reviled by "mainstream" music critics? Then the author voiced something I have suspected for a long time now. The rebels ARE the mainstream!

Musicians who consider themselves outsiders have always defined themselves as standing against the "conformist, strait-laced establishment". They have aquired a sort of mythology about how their music created, and continues to create, an "awakening" in society, freeing people from their "shackles". The problem is, all those societal constraints they railed against don't really exist any more as part of "mainstream" values and ethics. Musical rebels have always recited the creed "no-one tells me what to say, no-one tells me what to do, don't bug me about my hair". Well guess what rebels...those are the mainstream values and ethics. It's no longer socially acceptable to tell someone else that they shouldn't whack their privates with a 2x6 piece of spruce and call it "art", shouldn't tatoo a picture of an orangutan's keister on their face, shouldn't run around with their gitch (or, if you prefer, gotch, or in rare circumstances, "gonch") on their heads, because that would be "judging" someone, which would definitely harsh their buzz. That "conformist establishment" musicians like to fight against is a straw man. WE are living in rock n' roll paradise!

Of course the upside of this, is that Celine Dion and her fans are now REBELS! THEY'RE not going to be told not to dress conservatively, not to get regular haircuts or not to play their Yahtzee! They won't be forced into giving up their "meat" and "potatoes", their poly-rayon blends or their salad spinners. No, these brave outsiders are going to continue to flaunt the conventions of "the man", whether he likes it or not. Take THAT, Marilyn Manson!

So today, I'd like to salute these brave and inspirational outsiders. They have even convinced me to break from conformity, and avoid becoming yet another conformist! I won't shave my head, grow a goatee and get a barb wire tatoo on my arm! Sure, it'll make me stand out and be "different", but sometimes you just have to be a rebel.

Best Cat Pictures Ever

2008-12-24T08:01:00.000-08:00

Time to lighten up the post. Here's some pictures of the Awesome Girlfriend's cats. I selected these as they are particularly artistic of reflective of their personalities.

I also heard a great line about cats last night; here's the paraphrase. "Every time I use the can opener, the cat comes running. The next time I get a cat, I'll name it "Mreeeoooorrrrr" (the sound of the can opener)."

Nature vs Nurture, or "Wanna Fight?"

2008-12-20T08:52:00.000-08:00

Just a word of warning, this is a more serious "op-ed" entry, not a "the world sure is goofy" entry.

The other day I got into a pretty heated discussion on the role of "nature vs. nurture" as it relates to gender roles; "male vs female". The person I was having the discussion with felt that "nature" accounts for no more than 10% of how we view our gender roles, and that Sociologists have demonstrated on numerous occasions that society decides how males and females are "supposed" to behave from an early age (little girls being given dolls, little boys being given toy trucks, etc.). This person pointed out, factually, that gender roles have changed over the last hundred years, and that women who were once thought to have no ability to conduct the types of activities are clearly demonstrating them today. This person also stated that, aside from reproductive paraphernalia, there is really no difference between men and women.

I felt that "nature" has a greater role in gender identification. I did not dismiss the role that culture plays in gender role identification, but I felt that physiological factors, what I referred to as "wiring", had more to do with gender roles that the other person wanted to admit to. I pointed out that children, raised in similar circumstances, will often display vastly different personality traits, often in opposition to what is perceived to be the "traditional" gender roles (e.g. boys who like cooking, girls who like to work with tools, etc.----just as an aside, I don't think this exists as much as it used to, so defining what is a "traditional" gender role is much more difficult nowadays). I also thought there were more significant physiological differences between males and females than just their "equipment" (effects of hormones, genes, chromosomes, even brain size; females average 1130cc brains, males 1260cc...read into THAT what you will!!).

The fact of the matter is, science doesn't really know what extent each of nature and nurture plays in gender roles (at least according to Wikipedia it doesn't!!). We know they are both very important, but the line or lines are hugely based on individual circumstances related to family, culture and biology. (Hey, this is starting to sound like my favorite Grad paper conclusion..."more research must be done". I loved that one, as it implicitly justified my profs going for more grant money :)

Now I have to admit right now that I didn't offer some of these comments during the discussion. The other person appeared to be getting quite furious that I wasn't seeing their position, and even challenged me to state "typical male or female behaviors". I didn't answer right then, partially because I don't think that quickly (I'm the kind of person who thinks of snappy comebacks 12 hours after the fact), and partially because I needed to give the matter some more thought and research (hence this posting).

What struck me was the fervor that the other person argued their point. Looking back I think if I had pressed on, I might have been struck with a basket of holiday mints, or the other person might have stormed out of the room. That's when I started to realize that we weren't in a scientific arguement, we were in a political one.

Heres' the op-ed part-brace yourself!! Discussion of gender roles is a hugely politicaly charged issue. Almost every day, it seems like the newspapers report conflicts over equality rights, access to resources and acceptance related to gender. I have to admit I was pretty ignorant not to see the emotional impact this was having on the other person until their eyes blazed and their voice became shakey. I think I am also ignorant about the social implications of research into this area. Being a comfortable white strait male gives me societal advantages I'm not even aware of. I can see now how discussion of this topic can appear threatening to people who want to enact social change in this area. After all, if opponents can simply say that gender roles and societal status is related to biology (which it has), it potentially diffuses the chance to make meaningful change.

What I am suggesting is that the scientific truth, whatever it is, doesn't have to impact our ability to change ourselves and our societies. It seems like this arguement is analagous to Copernicus discovering the earth revolves around the sun, not vice versa. The establishment of the Roman Catholic Church was horrified by this discovery, and tried to get Copernicus to recant his findings. They thought it threatened the structure of the Church. Well of course it didn't-the beliefs of the Church are deeper than "what planet orbits where". I think it's the same with the "nature vs nurture" discussion. If social justice can be demonstrated, the degree to which our gender roles are determined by society or biology should cease to be an issue. I also think we need to keep in mind that people are able to go against their "programming" (societal or biological) when they need to . Think of all the men who have served in combat roles in past wars. Most of them had no deep seated "desire" to take another human life, but the horrible circumstances they were in forced them to go against their previous training. If people can change their training in such a negative situation, they can certainly do it to make a positive change. And it can be done without being afraid of the truth.

OK, heavy and contriversial posting. Let's wrap up with something more seasonal. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all. Let's get programming ourselves for some hope, and de-program aourselves from fear.

So long, Uncle Forry

2008-12-06T09:55:00.000-08:00

If anyone reads this, it's pretty obvious I'm a huge fan of classic horror and science fiction films. I grew up dueing the 60's and 70's, right when there was a revival of interest in films like Frankenstein, Dracula, and the 50's sci-fi like "Them". Every week I would watch the "Chiller Thriller" movie from Pembina, North Dakota, Saturday at 10:30pm. Anticipating the weekly dose of classic horror was heaven to kids like me; in other words, kids who weren't the popular or athletic kids in school. I was bound to a larger community of like-minded kids across North America by a magazine called Famous Monsters of Filmland; a fun and pun filled monthly tribute to the films us "monster kids" loved. It was created and edited by a man named Forrest J. Ackerman, or the "Ackermonster" to us kids. Here was an adult who not only loved the same kind of stuff that we did, but was able to communicate in a way that we kids understood an appreciated. I guess looking back, puns like "Horror-wood, Karloffornia" were pretty corny, but we ate it up with two spoons.

"Uncle Forry" passed away Thursday night at the age of 92. An elderly man with the heart of a young boy (he kept it in a jar by his bed.....bada bing!!!-don't worry this isn't disrespectful, Uncle Forry would have loved it!). I feel fortunate to have met him once several years ago, and just a couple of months ago, I had the opportunity to write him a letter to let him know how much I appreciated him and his work. I don't know if he ever saw the letter, but that's ok-I just needed to make it know. So here's the contents of that letter, as my tribute to Uncle Forry.

Dear "Uncle Forry",

This is just another letter from a slightly-greying monster kid who grew up with Famous Monsters magazine, and shares an undying love for the classic monster movies your work and life has so joyfully celebrated. I was able to meet you briefly, once in San Diego, and while we didn't have a long chat, that opportunity to meet you ranks as one of my proudest moments (way ahead of the Master's degree!!).

I suppose everyone has a "Forry Story", and here are a couple of the moments of how you and your passion for the classic monster movies made ME a better man. I clearly remember you publishing a letter from an enraged father, who claimed to have destroyed his son's collection of magazines and models. His letter to you ranted about how you were exploiting kids, pushing your "garbage" on them, and how the world would be better off without "your kind". Reading his letter enraged me the way nothing else had as a kid, almost to the point of tears. The only thing that stopped me from breaking something in my fury was reading your response. I can't remember the exact wording, but your answer was so articulate and respectful in tone, it took my breath away. You not only expressed EXACTLY how I felt about monster fandom, but you did it that was in no way demeaning to the man who so thoroughly berated you in his letter. You showed me how a true gentleman stands up to hatred, not with threats or profanity, but with clarity and civility and courage. You helped me grow up a little that day.

My other story is a few years later, when I was just starting grade 7. I was in a new school, and the typical chubby shy kid. My first two days were horribly awkward, and I started picturing spending the next three years as the outcast of the class. On the third day I took my current issue of Famous Monsters to read over lunch. As soon as the other kids saw that magazine (Vincent Price was on the cover, I forget the number of the issue), the other kids started to ask "what's that?", "where did you get it?" "can I look at it?". PRESTO! Just like that I was the kid who knew all the COOL STUFF about monster movies!! Thanks to Famous Monsters, what could have been a horrible experience in my early adolesence turned into a break-out year, when I started to explore life beyond my little shell!

Now I suppose I'm considered a pretty successful and well-rounded individual. I have a beautiful girlfriend, a wall full of movies and a life full of great memories. To me you have always been the adult who new how to talk to us kids. I have to THANK YOU with all my heart for your work and your presence here on Earth. God bless you, Mr. Ackerman!!!

Arch Hall JR experiences

2008-12-04T17:32:00.000-08:00

Tuesday Dec 2nd was Arch Hall Jr's birthday! To the majority who don't remember, Arch Hall Jr. (pictured here) was a somewhat squishy-faced young man who appeared in several low-budget independent pictures, which coincidentally were produced by his father, Arch Hall Sr. His titles include movies like "Wild Guitar", "The Nasty Rabbit", and my personal favorite "Eegah". "Eegah" starred Arch Hall as well as noted giant actor Richard Kiel, whom I met at the Monster Bash in Pennsylvania two years ago. It's an odd little film with earnest amateur acting and some reedy singing by Arch (he tends to croon to someone named "Valerie" though his girlfriend in the movie is named "Roxy"). Arch also like to say "Wowee wow wow" in this film, adding to it's charm.

The plot has to do with the discovery of a caveman (Kiel) who mysteriously has stayed alive for millennia, due to a steady intake of sulfur water from a spring in his cave (yum!). "Eegah" grunts his own language, whose most descriptive word, in my opinion, was "shtemlow". The basic stroyline is this: Roxy discovers Eegah (by almost hitting him with her car), Roxy's dad investigates and is captured by Eegah, Roxy calls on boyfriend Arch Hall Jr to search for dad, Arch and Roxy race around the desert in his dune buggy yelling "whee" for about 20 minutes. Eventually there is the standard "Beauty and the Beast" scene where Eeegah falls for Roxy, loses her to Mr. Dune Buggy, follows her to town and ends up face-down in a motel swimming pool (kind of like a cave man spring break I guess).

The movie apparently was pretty popular in the independent drive-in movie scene of the early 60's, where the fans, like Arch, were likely also funny looking and lacked for talent.

Anyway, since my birthday ALSO was December 2nd, I decided to make myself an Arch Hall Jr. T-shirt and wear it to work. Pretty much everyone liked the shirt, many laughed, but only 2 people asked who it was. One person saw the name "Arch" and thought it was a picture of "Archie Bunker". One asked who it was and then dropped the subject, and only one other asked who Arch Hall Jr. was. It's kind of a testement to my status at work that no-one actually asked WHY I was wearing a picture of Arch Hall Jr. on my chest. I didn't mind them not knowing. Telling people at your workplace that it is your birthday usually causes them to squirm uncomfortably, not knowing whether they are expected to sign a card or buy you a chocolate bar from the snack machine. So Arch and I kept our birthday secret for another year. To Arch, however, I'd just like to say: shtemlow, buddy....shtemlow!

Weird Dreams Part 2

2008-11-13T07:28:00.000-08:00

Just a couple of weird dreams I've had lately. I don't know if dreams are some way your mind is trying to tell you something important, or just the way the mind flushes out old garbage it's not using anymore. If there's any meaning in this stuff, I'll be surprised.

One night I dreamt I received a bundle of official papers. The papers came from the United States, and claimed that I had purchased, through a web-site, a used Russian hover-craft. I remember looking through the papers thinking "did I really do this? Was I drunk or something?".

The papers themselves were kind of weird. One page featured a group of bikini models pointing out important facts such as "it's better to tow it home" and "this hover-craft can be broken down into three smaller hover-crafts with snow-scoops!". Apparently I was able to pay by Visa, MasterCard or "Saskatchewan dollars". I'll keep checking my mailbox over the next couple of days.

I don't know if another dream I experienced had meaning, but it certainly had sweaters. I remember being in an open room, I think it was a food court in a shopping mall. There were people in chairs all watching a speaker, and we were all wearing those funky 80's-style sweaters that Bill Cosby used to wear. I couldn't hear what the speaker was saying, but I was really upset over the content. I thought they were lying to the listeners. In the dream I (very uncharacteristically) stood up and shouted "no, don't listen to him", and started to run around the shopping mall grabbing people saying inspirational stuff like "you only have one life, this is your shot!" Apparently we only have one life, but many sweaters, as I always seemed to be dressed in a different "Dr Huxtable" look. Man, I miss those sweaters.

Whatever you think about stuff like this, it's never boring.

Thank you veterans!!

2008-11-11T08:54:00.000-08:00

It's Remembrance Day again. I've just watched the national ceremony from the Cenotaph in Ottawa, and again I found myself shedding tears for the thousands of strangers who lived through horrible experiences so I could live my convenient life. A few things really stood out for me this year.

-In London, the Canadian Embassy (Canada House) in Trafalgar Square projected the names of every Canadian soldier who died in the First World War, in a continuing cycle for eight days, leading up to Remembrance Day. The same thing was timed for sites in Toronto, Montreal and Vancouver. The tribute was designed by a Canadian actor. Well done-it looked like a beautiful and moving tribute.

-This year for the first time, an Aboriginal veteran offered a tribute in Ojibway. I didn't understand the words, but his tone and expression said it all, and the Ojibway sounded like a mysterious song.

-I used to question the value of ceremony, but it struck me how quickly and thoroughly animosity melts away when people join together for a common purpose; in this case, to honour veterans. People who normally resent each other for their language, race and beliefs immediately forget all that and honour each other the way they should all year round. I wonder how else we can keep reminding ourselves of how great this felt?

-The Chaplain who led the prayers began by saying "I ask you to pray to God in the way you understand Him, as I pray through my savior Jesus Christ". I thought that was a wonderfully inclusive statement, "...in the way you understand Him". Nothing about "I'm right and you're wrong", just an accceptance that we all have our way of understanding the "big mystery".

-It's apparently becoming a tradition, after the offical wreaths are laid at the Cenotaph in Ottawa, for visitors to leave their poppies (small poppy pins Canadians wear as a tribute, offered by Veterans groups, for people reading this from outside Canada) on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, and at the grave marker on display at the National War Museum. No-one told the public to do this, they just started doing it spontaneously. I think that's the greatest tribute of all-nothing orchestrated, just a little tribute from the heart. It reminds me of the Jewish tradition of leaving a small stone at a grave side to mark that someone had come to visit. Beautiful stuff.

-So there you go, it's 11:17am as I'm finishing this up; the tributes are ending with parades and celebrations. I don't know how many people actually read this stuff I write, but today I'm glad I had the opportunity to write it down. Thanks for everything, veterans.

Random Thoughts and Observations

2008-11-02T08:36:00.000-08:00

Random Observation 1: work weirdness

Here's an example of the weirdness of my workplace, which is an international survey company of, I'm guessing, middling-to-no-respect in the industry. Recently one of our clients had a meeting with the Project Manager who handles their account and the Field Supervisors who actually run the day-to-day gathering of opinions. The client, who seemed to have no idea as to how their own survey was being run, listened to some of our interviewers call their customers to take the survey. This is a survey where, for several years, we have been instructed to only call people during business hours, to avoid bothering people in the evenings, during the dinner hour, etc. When one person asked to be called in the evening, the interviewer, correctly, explained they are not allowed to do that, and asked for a more convenient time during the day.

The client asked "why didn't the interviewer accept the evening call-back?". the Project Manager asked the Field Supervisors "yeah, why DIDN'T the interviewer arrange an evening call-back?" The Field Supervisors explained that, for several years, evening callbacks were contrary to instructions, that that the computerized settings had a variable that simply wouldn't allow an evening appointment to be set. The Project Manager, puffing themselves up in from of the client said "well, why dont you just change the variable?" The Field Supervisors asked "Can we do that now?"

The Project Manager answered: "No".

Corporate management at it's finest, no?

Random observation 2: Sports broadcasters

I was watching a football game the other day, when a colour commentator tried to describe the speed of one of the players. He said (I kid you not)" He's like a cannon, shot out of a gun" This is almost as good as my all-time favorite sports broadcaster comments which went: "He runs with his feet and catches with his hands!"

Random Observation # 3: What if....?

What if the Borg (from Star Trek) dressed like Earth, Wind and Fire? Wouldn't they be more accepted throughout the universe? If you heard the EW&F Borg command "Let's Groove....resistance is futile" woudl you resist? I think not. The Borg just needed a make-over.

I was watching TV when a commercial for Rub-A535 came on. I weasn't very alert at that moment, so I thought the name of the product was "Rub-Ass" creame. Personally, I would think this name would do better in the marketplace, and inspire MUCH more creative commercials.

In a conversation with AGF (awesome girl-friend) last week, she was commenting on something being "not very good". Trying to sound profound, I offered "well, not very good is better than bad!" Profundity is something that comes easily to some people, but obviously not me! :)

Mr. Furley (Don Knotts) from Three's Company was the best dresser on TV, bar none.

Birrrrd-MAN!!!!

2008-10-18T10:13:00.000-07:00

Today I'd like to talk about a cartoon I frequently watched, and was somewhat embarassed by, as a kid...that Hanna Barbera superhero-BIRDMAN! (not Charlie Parker!)

Birdman was a winged hero created by the same animation studio that brought the world The Flintstones, Scooby-Doo, etc. Our hero (the aforementioned "Birdman") apparently lived and worked in a pretty cool secret base on the top of a mountain. Birdman never seemed to cook, clean or do laundry in his little hideaway, he never even seemed to change his clothes....all he did was sit and watch a screen mounted on the wall for the latest emergency message. These came at the start of every episode, when he would recieve a call from his boss, a suave joker wearing any eyepatch and smoking a pipe, by name of "Falcon 7" (it was never established what happened to Falcons 1 through 6, though I imagine the crime fighting business can be pretty perilous at times). Falcon 7 would grimly intone that one of Birdman's old nemeses had returned (a bit of perfunctory back-story), and Birdman needed to stop him. Always eager to help if he could, Birdman would turn to his assistant, a giant purple eagle named "Avenger". "Come Avenger", Birdman would command, "..."Aawk", Avenger would reply, and they'd be off. The roof of the mountain would open up, and Birdman and Avenger would soar up into the sky.

This is where I usually became a little embarassed as a kid. Birdman would always shout his name in an over-wrought baritone..."Biiiiiiiiird...MAN!" he would shout, usually several times an episode. I don't know why, but it always kind of bothered me, and I remember clearly dashing to the TV and turning the sound down whenever it looked like Birdman was about to announce himself. There must be some psychological root to dealing with a hero who occasionally embarasses you-probably the same one we deal with when coming to grips with our parents.

Anyway, Birdman's power came from the power of the sun, which was pretty cool..UNLESS..he entered some kind of shadowy domain...a cave, a basement, etc. wherein his powers would fade. Unfortunately for Birdman, ALL of his nemeses lived in basements, caves, grottos, etc. So there would be Birdman, shouting his name and swooping in to kick ass, when suddenly (in the same baritone) he would announce "my powers.....WEAKENING!" Uh oh...looks like it's lights out (literally) for Birdman. And it would have been too, if not for his purple pal, Avenger! "Bird" (if I can call him that) would have just enough juice to push a little button on the collar around his neck, and communicate with Avenger, who had a stylish matching collar (and maybe cufflinks, I don't know). "Avenger", "Bird" would gasp..."Operation RESCUE". Avenger, invariably would know what to do (as Birdman would get captured with greater regularity than Exlax). Freeing Birdman, the duo would fly into the sky to get "close to the sun" (Icarus, where are you?) to recharge his powers. With one more shout of his name (and me sliding towards the TV to turn down the sound), Birdman would hurtle towards his always-startled foe. Birdman had some pretty neat "solar" weapons, including a "solar sheild" he could generate, and a "solar ray". I still vividly remember one villian shouting "Don't use your solar ray...YOU MIGHT HIT ME!!" Anyway, Birdman would save the day, and once more, shout his own name to the heavens (sound down of course).

The Birdman show had a second feature with three alien superheros of the future called the Galaxy Trio. The Trio had some pretty hilarious powers-"Gravity Girl" could reverse and control the effects of gravity (was she Estee Lauder in disguise?), "Meteor Man" could make any part of his body grow to gigantic proportions at will (remember, this was a pre-peuberty show for me, so I though his giant fists made perfect sense). Finally there was "Vapor Man", could could create any kind of caustic vapor known to man. Considering the amount of time we spent amusing each other with our own caustic vapors, he was probably the closest adolescent boys could come to actually being a super hero.

A lot of times people say they watch their favorite childhood shows again after gowing up, and complain about being disappointed. I'm happy to say I'm not disappointed with Birdman. Sure it's cheezy and repetitive, but doggone it, it's cool. And I'm no longer embarassed when my hero shouts out his name.

BIIIIIIIRD-MAN!

Country living made "easy"

2008-09-05T14:24:00.000-07:00

I just bought a copy of a book called "Country Wisdom Almanac", from some place called "Black Dog & Leventhal Publishers". It's one of these collections of relatively folksy bits of information that most people probably used to know, but have since been relegated to book sections for the urban folk-wannabees of the world. These are the people who currently enjoy the comforts of modern urban civilization while pondering wistfully as to when they might plow up their back yard to plant rows of corn, or make a chicken coop out of their garage. I have to admit, I am increasingly finding myself drifting towards that camp. Whether I eventually give up the deliciously-convenient life of the urban taxpayer due to personal choice (selling up and buying a bit of land with it's own artesian well and space for a herd of attack goats) or whether it's forced upon me (meteor crases into the earth, ending industrial civilization), I am increasingly attracted to the "son of the sod" scene.

Now of course, I'm not kidding myself. I'm still an urban-comfort junkie because it's not easy tilling soil, weeding a garden or scooping out chicken droppings. The plus side, as I envision it, is in knowing how to do stuff for yourself, with locally-available ingredients. Here's an example:

Know the difference between a "poultice" and a "plaster"? A "poultice" is a "warm moist mass of powdered or crushed fresh herbs" (according to the above-mentioned C.W. Almanac). These herbs (witch hazel, herbal tea, or maybe even something called "herbal tincture") are applied directly to the skin to relieve inflammation, draw out infections, relieve muscle spasms, and for all we know improve your love life do your taxes for you. "Plasters" are like a poultice, except the herbal goop is between two thin pieces of cloth. Now I can say, with confidence "Looks like you need a poultice applied to that. Ayup!"

How about building your own stone wall? The average city "dude" would probably say you just start heaping rocks on top of each other until the contractor comes to do a proper job. Not the nouveau-sodbuster though! There are actually different kinds of stones, ranging in texture from coarse, soft, crumbly and dense (much like the people many of us work with every day). Advise from the C.W. Almanac includes "If a stone looks doubtful for laying, pass it up" (great advice for all of us) and when lifting stones, "Grab the stone in what would be a normal position, and drop your rear another 2 feet. When lifting, hug the stone close". I can just see all those poor dumb city-folk, trying to lift their stones withuot hugging, and possibly caressing them, in the proper way.

I actually bought this book as a substitute for the book I originally wanted to buy. That one was out-of stock, but my store has ordered extra copies, and I shall soon add the knowledge of that book to what I already have. This other book (I think it was called "101 Things Your Grandparetnts Knew" or something like that) also includes information on how to make your own shoes, and how to dig a well. Rural bliss cannot be far behind. Poultice anyone?

Singing in the Shower

2008-09-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

People often comment on how much better their voices sound in the shower, but how many people acknowledge how much they improve on the lyrics of thier songs? Here's my most recent version of the old Trooper song "The Boys in the Bright White Sportscar" (remember, you need to hear the sound of splashing water and smell Finesse moisturing shampoo to get the full effect)

Here I am,
The boy in the bight white sports car,
Waving my arms in the air (wave arms here)
Who do I think I am?
And where did I get that car?

There I go,
The boy in the bright white sports car,
Honking at all the girls,
I'm jack-of all-trades-Stan,
Or maybe a garbage man

Naaa na na na, Naaa na na na NAAAAAAA

There I go,
I am really rollin'
I'd better call a cop,
Say my car is probably stolen
STOLEN!!!! (shout this)

Alternate lyric:

Say I love eating stollen...STOLLEN!!! (a sweet German pastry)

There I go,
A boy in a bright white sports car
Who do I think I am?
Where did I park the CAAAAR???

Personally, I think shower lyrics make a heck of a lot more sense than the originals. If I ever remember any others, I'll record them here.

Jive Talk Update-G.I. Jive!

2008-08-18T18:59:00.000-07:00

Ok, it's been a while since I had some entries from the HepCats Jive Talk dictionary. Here's a tribute to the amazing people who serve in the armed forces...of course I'm talking about G.I.Jive!!

Armored Cow- canned milk

Bean Gun-rolling kitchen

Cross Bar Hotel- guard house

Dog Show- a foot inspection

Ether- a radio telephone

Fly the Wet Beam- flying along a river

General's Car- a wheelbarrow

Higher than a Georgia Pine- unduly excitied

Ink- coffee

Jeeter- a lieutenant

Knuckle Buster- a crescent wrench

Let Her Eat- drive ar full speed

Maggie's Drawers- a red flag used on a rifle range to inidcate a miss

North Dakota Rice- hot cereal

Old Issue- an old soldier

Prop Wash= an expression of disbelief

Quartermaster Gait- a step longer than the regulation thirty-inch pace

Red Leg-artilleryman

Six and 20 Tootsie- any bit of a young and enticing femininity who is responsible for a Flying Cadet returning late from a weekend leave

Tar Bucket- full dress hat

Uncle Sam's Party- payday

Valley Forge- temporary tent city in cold weather

Wing-heavy- inebriated

You're Gigged- you've been reported for violating a rule or ordinace

As always, if anyone wanders across this site and would like to see more of these posted, just leave a note! If this is your first visit, look back at my old posts for more Jive Talk!

Olympic Thoughts

2008-08-17T12:21:00.001-07:00

I've always had mixed opinions about the modern Olympics. On the one hand, you have to admire the dedication of the atheletes involved, whether they win a medal or not. The sacrifice and pain they must put up with dwarfs anything I have attempted in the past, and deserve unflagging admiration. On the other hand, the Olympics are frequently a political statement on the merits of one form of government or another, and the concept of "fair competition" between rich and poor countries is often questionable. There is also the arguement of "the money could be better spend doing....(fill in the blank)", but I've never really subscribed to that one, as it tends to belittle anything that isn't absolutely pragmatic, and I think humans gain their quality of life and identity through how they manage their non-pragmatic stuff (art, love, purely investigative science, etc.)

Here's a thought that surfaced this weekend. How about having an Olympic games founded soley on playground games? We could have Olympic Red Rover competition, or "line tag" (I don't know how many people played that one-you need a tennis court where the players have to stick to the lines when they move, but are considered "safe" when standing on an intersction of lines). How about Olympic "What time is it Mr. Wolf"? If you never played that, the "it" person is the "wolf", and the players advance slowly behind him/her asking "What time is it Mr. Wolf?" The "wolf" answers 1 o'clock, 2 o'clock, etc. until they think the line of players is close enough to "tag" one of them, when they scream "It's lunch time", and turn around and run at the screaming hordes behind them. I love picturing a group of Olympic hammer-throwers running away while shreiking at the tops of their lungs.

There are enough playground games for a winter Olympics too. Olympic "king of the hill" is a natural, along with Olympic snowball fights and Olympic snowman knock-down (how long does it take you to knock down another kid's snowman?). I remember kids spending their entire winter recesses trying to roll the largest snow-ball they could make, often rolling one or more kids under the mammoth snow-ball as they went.

I forsee "Nerf" being a major sponsor of the games, and host nations introducing their own country's kids games as demonstration sports. I oould easily identify with a marble-shooter more than a decathelete, and enjoy watching the laughter of thwe kid rolled down the snow-hill more than the distress of the sprinter who lost a medal by 1 1/100's of a second.

Better Than Awesome moments!

2008-08-05T14:20:00.000-07:00

Once in a while I like to think back to those moments where I gained a temporary or passing victory of some kind, but which has since, gained a signifigance far beyond the implications of the actual event. On other words, life's greatest moments. Here's a sampling.

This year: I was sitting in Chicago's O'Hare airport, waiting out a 2.5 hour layover. It was during the lunch hour, so I had plenty of time to burn off by sitting down and having lunch somewhere. I selected one of the ubiquitious restaurants that seem to breed in airports these days (I think it was called "Chili's" or something like that). I ordered a lunch from the menu and a beer. The waitress asked me for some ID before she would bring me my beer. I'm 47 years old, and I was "carded". That was the best beer I ever tasted.

Flash back to High School (grade 10 I believe). I don't know how many people have a personal tormentor in school, but I'd suspect it's probably more common than the "High school is the best time of your life" set would admit to. Mine was a gap-toothed little troglodite with a permenent scowl who, before I even knew who the heck he was, started calling me the word to suggest my sexual preferences lay within my common gender. Now please understand, when I went to High School, suggestions of homosexuality were the worst kind of epithet. While it wasn't true in my case, I found out that I had to endure regular snide comments by this little troll who apparently just didn't like my looks (for this I also gained somewhat of an appreciation for the torment that gays and lesbians have had to deal with over the years....not a total appreciation, mind you , but this little sampling was sickening enough for me). I wasn't a kid prone to fighting (the thought of it quite frankly scared me), so I tried the "avoidance" technique, which occasionally worked, but which also occasionally left me lurching away with hunched shoulders after another verbal tirade. Well, one day in a gym class, our "teacher" (gym teachers always seemd to be Vince Lombardi wannabees, ignoring the general physical health of the masses, to pander to the jocks of the group) had us divide up for a game of flag football. To make a lengthening story short, I found myself lined up against the troglodite, who instantly started promising humiliation beyond my wildest dreams. The first time he charged at me, I raised both arms and smashed the little bugger in the chops. I still remember walking back to our side's "huddle", to the congratulations of my side's guys. as the little toad writhed in the dirt. Just as a post-script, I think he's a cop now. Take from that what you will.

Primary school. I remember (vaguely) making a clay figure of an Ankylosaurus ( a 4-legged plant eater with a hard shell on it's back and a club at the end of it's tail-kind of like a cross between a rhino and a tank). I was REALLY big on dinosaurs as a kid, and while other kids were dreaming of being pilots or cowboys, I was dreaming of being a Paleontologist. Anyway, I remember making my little clay Ankylosaurus, and my teacher being so impressed I was asked to take it to the Principal's office to show the Principal himself. Now aside from the chance to linger outside of class, I was also able to show up the Principal, who had no idea what an Ankylosaurus was. I remember starting to doubt the intelligence of adults at that time as well. I still do.

Other little victories:

-the first time I got a haircut I wanted (Beatles) rather than the one my parent's wanted (mental patient)

-when I beat my best buddy in a game of badminton (he always beat me in everything, up to then)

-being called the "coolest guy ever" by a girl I had the hots for

-winning a Mexican yodelling contest in a Caribbean resort

Notice than none of these include things like "getting my degree" or "buying my house". I guess the sweetness of the Better Than Awesome moment is in the brevity and personal nature of the event.

Dream a little dream with me

2008-07-26T19:10:00.001-07:00

Dreaming is something , they tell us, we all do, whether we remember them or not. People have tried to interpret dreams for centuries, with varying results. Some, I think, are fairly obvious. I remember I used to dream about tornados fairly frequently. The dreams had different settings (a field, a road, etc.) but all had the same sequence. I would start off, travelling through an open countryside, when I saw the start of a tornado in the distance. As I ran and searched for shelter, the tornado would form and come right towards me. For all but the last two dreams, I was just about to find shelter (a gully, a basement, etc.) as the tornado was upon me, and I would wake up just before I found out if I was safe or was sucked off to Oz. The second last time I had a tornado dream, I was able to open a door and start down a flight of stairs before the tornado hit. The door shook violently, but I felt fairly safe. The last time I ever had a tornado dream, I found shelter and was deep in a safe basement, with other people I didn't recognize. By the time the tornado hit, I felt calm and safe.

I used to have another, very weird dream all the time. I always started the dream in the basement of a house, and would start to explore the house room by room. As I explored, I felt a growing sense of threat and unease. The dream would always end just as I was opening a door, and my nerves were screaming at me not to do it. I would sometimes have this dream more than once a night. The weird thing was, if I did something in the first dream, like move an object, the object was in it's new location in the second dream. I had these for a number of years as well, and I knew they were almost over when I had one dream that had me looking up a spiral staircase into the light. I wasn't out of the house yet, but I knew I was close. The second last dream I knew I was on the ground floor of the house and about to get out. I still explored rooms, but mainly out of curiosity. I remember one had a bunch of Asian monks, hovering cross-legged in front a black board, in a room that looked like a school room. I remember thinking, in my dream "no that's not it." This particular dream sequence ended literaly, with me walkong out of the door and into a grassy field. I remember looking back and seeing a red-painted wood-frame house. There was one more brief dream after this one, where I set the house on fire and said to myself "I had to do this".

Most of my dreams, however, are of the weird and amusing kind. Recently I dreamt I was the host of a local public-broadcast talk show. My first episode didn't go so well, as it was based in the small appliance department of a store, and I had no guests to talk to. For my second episode, I switched locations to a small coffee shop, located in an old house. The house had a number of shelves with small china figurines in it. My guest was Tom Petty, and I remember clearly asking Tom how a creative person got their ideas. Tom proceeded to demonstrate, by putting on a cloth octopus costume and prancing around the room as he spoke. I remember watching ceramic oraments flying as Tom pranced from side to side, including a little ceramic cowboy's head with a cowboy hat being crushed under his feet. As you can imagine, the episode was a hit.

Another dream I just had last night featured myself in Las Vegas. For some reason I was wearing a long hair extention from the back of my head. It was ponytail, about an inch and a half thick. It was obviously an extention, as it was red and my natural hair colour is greying-brown. I clearly remember whacking people with the end of my pony-tail as I walked past them. If they confronted me, I would hold the end of the pony-tail under my nose, like a false moustache, and in a phoney English accent, would say "My dear chap I don't know what you are talking about." Of course, no-one saw through my ruse.

I would have to say that probably 90% or more of the dreams I can remember are of the variety of the last two I have mentioned. Bizarre. Oddly entertaining. And probably entirely without deeper meaning, except the definite possibility that my mind is happily warped.

Unless Tom Petty actually does prance around in a cloth octopus costume when he's writing songs. If anyone can confirm this, I would be greateful.

Better Than Munsteriffic Monster Bash '08

2008-07-10T18:21:00.000-07:00

If anyone reads this fairly regularly, then you know I'm a HUGE fan of the classic horror and science fiction movies of the 30's-50's. This year I again attended the fabulous Monster Bash in Butler, Pennsylvania, and had a FANTASTIC time. Here are some highlights:

Meeting neat people! The guest list was fairly heavy with TV personalities, including Pat Priest, who played Marilyn on The Munsters (pictured here, with yours truely!!) She's not only a great person, but she had some great stories of working on the show. Apparently, Fred Gwynne (Herman) LOVED the old "Munstermobile", and at one point decided to drive it off the lot, while in full Herman makeup, and toodle around the streets of Los Angeles for a while. I'd have LOVED to have seen that.

Meeting great things! Also pictured are my run-ins with the original Audrey plant, used in the Broadway version of the Little Shop of Horrors. There were a couple of guys from "Muppet Labs" there too, and they showed how to work their creation. The last picture is of a major movie star in it's day, and a co-star of Steve McQueen. Yep, someone brought the original "Blob" (pictured in it's luxury bucket). I was hoping to be able to wear it on my head for a picture, but it's a bit of a senior citizen Blob these days, and doesn't handle too well.

Meeting great fans! Cudos to all the people who run and attend this event. Even being a foreigner, I never felt like I wasn't 100% welcome at all times. An event like this attracts a certain demographic, the people who grew up during the late 50's to early 70's, when monster movie's were the staple on TV, and there was a sizable industry of monster models, trading cards and magazines (specifically Famous Monsters of Filmland-thank you Uncle Forry!!)It seems like we all had the same experience growing up; waiting for the weekly late-night horror movie to come on, reading about the filsm, building the Aurora plastic model kits. Now we're "grown up", but we're all still "monster kids" at heart.

Speaking of Heart...one regular family attending this event has a son who requires quiet a bit of costly medical attention.The Bash hosted a charity auction of better-than-awesome pictures, posters, toys and books, raised almost $5000.00 for this family. Monster kids stick together!

Final thought-as much as I like the convenience of my DVD player, I sort of miss the days when all you could do was look forward to seeing a classic movie being played on the Chiller Thriller movie on a Saturday night. Seeing a favorite film listed in the TV guide was like findign a nugget of gold, and the anticipation made the experience, well, better than awesome. I'm really glad I was able to experience that!

More Random Thoughts-Company Weirdness

2008-06-12T18:58:00.000-07:00

Working in a call-centre based industry is probably more common than most people want to admit. From what I've seen, the biggest advantage is the endless supply of material that should one day become the basis for a very successful Fringe Festival play. The only problem is, few people will believe that it could possibley be true. here's a few examples and you tell me if you think things like this can exist outside of a Dilbert cartoon.

Episode 1-Stressed for success. A supervisor is told by a Manager that his call centre representative is supposed to dial through a certain group of phone numbers on a certain project, in this case, attain a dialing rate of 40 numbers per hour. Now, normally, one dials phone numbers on a project in order to contact people, which this call centre rep. did. In fact, the rep. was quite good at their job, and was able to make a number of successful calls in this time. However, since successful calls actually slow down the dialing rate, the rep. didn't manage to dial those 40 numbers that were asked for. I think yo know what came next...the Supervisor was scolded for NOT DIALING THE 40 NUMBERS. "What went wrong?" the Manager asked. "We were successful" the Supervisor explained. "Well..." the Manager mused "you should have called the numbers"

Episode 2-What's the message. Call centre staff can call into an office voice-mail to communicate any attendance issues. The voice-mail message begins by saying...."don't leave a message....call back later to speak to someone". This is a rather lengthy message, and most people hang up before they hear the proviso "UNLESS...you are calling early in the morning for the daytime shift" Daytime representatives were calling the attendance line, hearing the first part of the recording, and not leaving messages. The solution to the problem? The unimaginative would say something ridiculously simple like....CHANGE THE MESSAGE!!! But no, this is a business. The centre spent weeks re-training their reps to ....IGNORE THE MESSAGE.

Episode 3-Don't go breakin' my heart. Staffing a call centre is always a difficult task, as the work tends to be repetitive and staff turnover is ridiculously high. So when a big project comes in, the push to "ramp up" quickly always causes some panicky and irational. There was the project where we "NEEDED" 20 people a day to call through "20,000" phone numbers. We ramped. We trained. We somehow found 20 bodies to call on the project. When it was finally launched.....oops, did I say 20,000?? I meant 2,000.(This from a 'senior" staff member) Of course there's always the "hours blitz", to try to encourage staff to add and extend their shifts, only to be told part way through that they are no longer needed. Finally there's the "bonus frenzy". wherein Supervisors earn their annual bonus through encouraging staff to add or extend their shifts. the most recent one was announced tothe Supervisors like this. Management: We're going to start our "bonus frenzy", so for the next little while you'll need to really encourage staff to add shifts" Supervisors: "great, when does it start?" Management: "TWO DAYS AGO"!!!!

Co-op Story Time

2008-05-19T09:40:00.000-07:00

As usual, bolded text is A.G., plain text is mine. Hope you enjoy it!

Walking down the rainy streets, the man pondered his problem. He had won a new lawnmower in the hardware store raffle. He really hoped to win the Hibachi, as he lived in an apartment, and had no use for a lawnmower. But is was such a great lawnmower! One of those riding models with the little padded seat that fit oh so snug! So here he was, walking the streets, wondering if he should sell the lawnmower or buy a lawn.

Passing a small restaurant, he happened to glance into the window and was shocked by what he saw.

His mailman and his neighbor, Miz Greely, were seated together at a booth, locked in a disturbingly public embrace. However lewd this was, it was not nearly as shocking as what lay upon the table in front of them. The mailman and Miz Greely's flailing limbs knocked the shocking item to the floor in their passion.

It lay on the rug, waiting to be noticed.

He stepped over the odd apparition and stepped out the door. This day was getting more and more complicated all the time. After stretching his calves and thighs, he laced up his jogging shoes and started to trot down the street. Little puffs of steam seeped between his teeth in short bursts, and he couldn't resist saying "chuff chuff chuff...woo woooo" like a choo choo train. Eventually he was forced to stop, as his route led him through a doorway and into the public library. Stopping in the periodicals section, he was forced to stare at the man behind the desk.

He looked just like Ryan Stiles!

He reached out fotr a kiss, but only managed to embrace an armful of air. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Miz Greely dashed up and executed a full body check, then proceeded to rip off her clothes and writhe around on the floor. Soon she was peacefully asleep.

He who looked like Ryan Stiles prodded her inert form with his shoe.

Just then it jerked...once, twice, three times, then it lay dormant. "This shoe just isn't doing the trick" said the Ryan Stiles look-alike. Quickly exiting, he jumped into his car and drove to the mall. "There must be a shoe store in here somewhaere", he said out loud to no person in particular. However, after 30 minutes of searching, all he could find were several clothing stores, a drug store, a grocery store and a Radio Shack. Remembering he needed batteries, he trotted, stork-like, into the store.

The clerk greeted him with a strange, knowing smile and said..."hello".

"Hello?", he replied. A strange, knowling silence fell between them....and so did, also a ceiling tile. Upon the ceiling tile was perched...the mailman! He had overheard everything!

The clerk burst into tears.

It was the end of a very weird day for the clerk. First there was no hot water in the apartment, then the battery was dead in the car, finally the strangeness that just occured. But thing smay be looking up, the clerk thought, viewing the newspaper ad proclaiming:

"Riding Lawn Mower for sale"

Random Observations

2008-05-10T10:35:00.000-07:00

1-Awesome girlfriend and I were in a craft store last week so she can stock up on beads for her Awesome beading hobby. Amongst the thousands of beads was something called the "rainbow" selection. The colours: Black, White and Clear.

2-Running Emo. Observed on a city street: an EMO youth (dressed in retro Elvis Costello style glasses, EMO pants and thin-brimmed hat), ran south down P. Highway, passing A.G. (again, awesome girlfriend). Running Emo changed direction, and ran north, again passing A.G. Running Emo flags down a city bus going north between stops. Running Emo gets off the same bus after one stop, and proceeds to run south again, past A.G. Running Emo appears at A.G.'s store the next day to buy a table. If this were the 50's Disney would do a "Real Live" documentary on the mysterious Running EMOs.

3-My workplace ran a "spirit week" to improve morale, in conjunction with an "hours blitz" to encourage employees to add more hours. They also chose this week to cut employee hours and reduce shifts, following the heroic corporate strategy of "retention through reduction".

4-Whatever happened to Tony's van from "Who's the Boss"? Unlike the General Lee or the Batmobile, the rusty blue van never made it as a model kit, or featured in a board game.

5-Whatever happened to board games based on popular TV shows? You used to be able to rush out and "play" Charlies Angels or Night Rider.

To be continued.....

The On-going Arguement-Burton vs. Axl

2008-04-27T19:06:00.000-07:00

At this point I'd like to share an on-going arguement I have been having with someone at work. It's about the relative merits and drawbacks of two recording artists; Burton Cummings and Axl Rose. Now these two performed different types of rock music at different times, and appeal to much different audiences, so the arguement hasn't been as much about their individual musical styles as much as the advisability of being a fan of each of them. Musical tastes aside, my co-worker (who shall remain nameless, though if she reads this blog she'll know who I'm talking about....I'll refer to her as "SUE", for the sake of continuity) continually expresses a revulsion for all things Burton, late of the Guess who and his own solo career, while simultaneously demonstrating never-ending loyalty to Axl Rose, late of Guns n-apostrophe Roses. Apparently this un-named co-worker despises Burton for his frequent demonstrations of immense ego and self-adoration, while finding these same traits "cute" in one Axl Rose. I'd just like to take a few minutes to demonstrate why I feel I'm right and "SUE" is tragically suffering some form of self-delusion, probably caused by over-exposure to the derivative rusted-brake-drum squeals of Mr. Rose. So here is my "Top Ten" list of reasons why Burton is better than Axl:

1) Burton reminds us to "Stand Tall". If you asked him if you could fall, he would strenuously insist that you do NOT fall, and for God's sake, don't go do something foolish.

2) Burton has been featured prominently in a series of guerilla-artist posters (pictured above) again reminding us to "Stand Tall", giving him immense "street cred".

3) Burton has played with Ringo Starr's All-Starrs. I believe he performed "Stand Tall" for his solo performance.

4) Burton is part-owner of a burger joint called Salisbury House. He even has appeared in commercials, reminding us that his burgers use "fresh baked buns".

5) Burton has the coolest "rock out" face ever. He looks like he's trying to dis-gorge a half-eaten baked potato, but he's really just into the music.

6) Burtons' classic "American Woman" can be played as a rock anthem or as a bluesey acoustic piece. No matter how you play it, it's a great tune

7) Burton looks amazingly like my buddy Steve, who cannot sing, but certainly can "Stand Tall".

8) Burton knew enough to give up acting after filming Melanie, which, as far as I know, has NEVER been released onto DVD, VHS or even Beta format.

9) Burton likes wearing Felix the Cat T-shirts, who, as we must remember, was a "wonderful wonderful cat".

10) Burton has "his own way to rock"!

Letters to Celebrities

2008-04-27T11:03:00.000-07:00

One thing I have never done is write a letter to a celebrity. Part of that has to do with the fact that there are few, if any, living celebrities I actually want to communicate with. I don't really know what's going on in celebrity's lives, and they more than likely have little idea of mine. So what do fans actually write to their favorite celebrities? Requests for autographs, certainly, maybe a picture or two, and sometimes requests for items to be donated to a celebrity auction. All fine requests, but none of them really, oh, vital information or questions that the celebrity truly needs to know.

Personally, if I were to write to a celebrity, I would probably end up writing something that I thought was terribly important they know. Possibly something they have been kept in the dark over for a number of years, and would be grateful to receive my illumination. Most of all, something written to a celebrity who, in my mind, probably owes me a reply for the service I'm about to provide to them! Here's an example of something I might write to that rock-and-roll vagabond, Elton John:

Dear Mr. John,

I'd just like to say how much I've enjoyed your clever song "Saturday Night (is appropriate for fisticuffs)". It's quite up-tempo, and never fails to entertain, especially the way you correctly spell the word "Saturday". Or is that the Bay City Rollers? Anyway, I thought you'd like to know of a rather shocking trend that I have observed lately. While your song clearly refers to a specific day of the week, it is often played on radio stations on other days!! Yes, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I have had the misfortune of listening to my car radio on a Wednesday, and heard your "Saturday" song played quite clearly in defiance of the calendar. Perhaps you need to call these stations and correct them? One was in Minot, North Dakota. I can't remember which, but I'm sure you can look them up in a phone book, available at your local library.

Anyway, I'm sure you'll respond to this letter, as it's coming from Canada, and since your partner is Canadian, I'm sure you'll express your gratitude with a personal reply. Please continue to write those clever tunes!! I'm sure you'll become a great success!! Yours Truly....etc. etc.

As you can see the information I would give is clearly vital to the celebrity in question. I think I'll have to go to my local library and look up his home address.

In conclusion: Your local library. A vital resource worthy of your support!!

Awesomeness in Cheap Packages

2008-04-24T18:47:00.000-07:00

Here's a topic I hope people will contribute to on this blog. To me, there's something extra awesome about the cheap, temporary or unpretentious. Places or things that bring you endless joy, despite the fact that it was never intended to be much more than a quick diversion. For example, people "like" going to fancy restaurants, but they treasure their favorite "dive". I think most of us would rather drink coffee from one of those old white half-inch thick cafeteria cups than out of fine china, and eat foods named after people ("try the Big Ned burger!!!") than dine on haute cuisine.

Really, which gives you greater joy....a high tech gadget costing hundreds of dollars, or the toy you found inside your "Kinder egg"?

It's this kind of joy that always brings me back to those heroically cheesey "horror" movies of the past. Pictured is an example: "Monster on the Campus". I missed the age when you could go to a theater or Drive-in and actually watch these treasures in first-run, but I can still get a kick out of the seedy audacity of their claims. "Co-ed beauty captive of man-monster"! Why just the sheer density of hyphenated characters virtually guarantees a great time! Of course, the real movie was no-where near as lurid or exciting as the poster, but that was part of the fun too.

There's one movie experience I DO miss though. Back in the 50's, a movie producer and director named William Castle raised this brand of cheesey showmanship to it's zenith. His movies almost always included the promise of some kind of new "special screen sensation", guaranteed to shock and amaze the theater-goer. Among these was "Emerge-O" where the "monster" comes RIGHT OUT OF THE SCREEN AT YOU!!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!!

O.K., so it was really just an inflated skeleton on a wire. The point is, Castle made you curious enough to want to go see it!! I personally think his best gimmick was for a movie called "The Tingler", wherein Castle had selected seats in each movie theater wired to deliver a shock at a pivotal moment in the movie! (It was actually a scene where the hero , Vincent Price of course, God bless him!!!, runs into a movie theater on-screen and shouts "the Tingler is loose in this theater...scream....SCREAM FOR YOUR LIVES!!!" At that point the lights would go off in the REAL theater, and selected patrons got juiced (and goosed!)!! Wonderful!!

Oh sure, modern movies have better special effects. They have bigger budgets. But there's NOTHING, in my mind, that would have matched the entertainment factor of that movie theater. A "cheap package"? Definitely. Complete Awesomeness? Absolutely!!

Enter....The Flying Guy!!

2008-04-19T16:05:00.000-07:00

I've just seen the coolest guy in the world. Last night, when my girlfriend and I were driving out of her apartment block parking lot, we were witness to the coolest guy EVER! As we paused to check for traffic, a middle-aged white male, wearing a long-sleeved pullover shirt, arced gracefully in front of our car. Arms boldly swept backwards in the hyper-efficient delta-wing formation, the man trotted gracefully down the street. Weaving from one side of the street to the other, this latter-day Icarus banked left, then right, then left again. His legs pumping, the Flying Guy maintained the serious demeanor of a 747 pilot landing his jumbo jet on a slippery runway in the middle of a thunderstorm. He glanced only briefly at us, before he whisked himelf away down the street.

Flying guy didn't say anything. His performance would only have been cheapened by uttering "vroom vroom" sounds. Instead, with total seriousness, Flying Guy briefly touched our lives and our hearts, before banking left down the dusty, sun-dappled street.

To say he brought a smile to our faces would be an understatement. Neither of us wanted to laugh at Flying Guy. Instead, we both felt a surge of child-like joy, and not a small degree of envy, for the brave street-pilot who careened in and out of our lives that lovely spring evening!

We aren't sad, though, as Flying Guy is now a part of our lives!! Walking down the street this afternoon, I took the opportunity (and the dare!) to replicate some of Flying Guy's manouvers. I may not have been as graceful, and I certainly wasn't as serious as our featherless flyer, but I surely compensated with enthusiasm!!

So, if the world is getting you down, your boss dumped on you, you hate your job, your left-over spagetti sauce grew mold in the back of your fridge...whatever! Just lean your arms back in that delta-wing shape and go for a quick flight. Trust me, it's the cheapest form of therapy you'll evern have.

Thank you , Flying Guy!!!

Better Than Awesome website-old Canadian TV shows

2008-03-09T09:49:00.000-07:00

Continuing what seems to be a theme of recalling old Canadian TV shows, recently the love of my life and I found the following link to a GREAT website:

www.tvarchive.ca/

It's not an exhaustive source, but it features some references to TV shows I had forgotten I had even seen. Shows like "Harrigan" (B & W photo), a kid's show featuring a somewhat demented-looking leprechaun who liked to sing-spell his name at the opening credits ("H-A-double-R-I....G-A-N spells Harrigan!!"). It was remarkable for it's cheesiness: Harrigan would prance about in front of a chromakey screen, squatting on poorly-rendered "toadstools", playing his clarinet and sharing stories and songs designed to force the young viewer to finally turn off the TV and switch to their homework for a welcome respite. Harrigan, like most "whimsical" children's entertainers, always kind of frightened me with the intensity of his desire to magically charm the viewer. It was kind of like watching "Lucky" from the Lucky Charms box trying to shake off a sugar high from too many yellow stars and purple horseshoes.

The site also includes references to that after-school classic "The Edison Twins". This eighties foray into "edu-tainment" features a pair of plucky twins and their unfortunate-looking younger brother. They would solve neighborhood mysteries like "who polluted the pond?" and "where did all the ferrets go?" through carefully considered applications of scientific principles (hence, the "Edison" part). I don't really remember too many of these episodes, except for one where dog whistles were used to solve the mystery-du-jour. Actually, I think dog-whistles featured in most of the episodes for some reason. The highlight of the show (and this web site) was the catchy neon-themed opening credits, featuring the eighties-appropriate twins dancing and rolling to one of the catchiest themes ever. To give you an idea of the impact the show had on young minds, I was recently told that some graffitti was spotted in the basement of a local old heritage building, the graffitti being the neon outlines of the Edison Twins as they were caught in mid-frolic.

Of course, the site wouldn't be complete without a couple of references to Canada's version of Lassie and Rin-Tin-Tin put together, "The Littlest Hobo". Hobo was a German Shepard who travelled the highways and biways of Canada, stopping in his travels only to help a stranded orphan or some other deserving soul defeat a nefarious evil-doer (though never with a dog-whistle...can't blame him for that). I always thought the show was a little cruel, myself. At the end of each episode, Hobo would have been put through the ringer, usually having needed to jump into a waterfall or bite the tires off a moving Semi to foil the villians' plans. The show would usually wrap with a soulful-looking character asking a fellow survivor "Hobo looks lost....can we keep him?" As Hobo would look back expectantly hoping for a bed, a meal or even a stray milk-bone, the fellow survivor would usually say "no....his place in on the road!!" Thanks bozo! "The Littlest Hobo" had an even catchier theme than the Edison Twins did, which of course you can view in this site. Keep an eye out for the opening-credit scene where Hobo is carrying a high-powered hunting rifle!!! Apparently there was an episode where there Hobo came across ingrate too many!! A milk bone?? Can you spare it, sport?? Well, here's Hobo's response!! **kapow**

Better Than Awesome Valentine's day present

2008-02-18T16:54:00.000-08:00

Hey folks,

Pictured is one of the best Val's Day presents I'm able to post on a website-The NEW Celebrity Cooks Cookbook, featuring Beachcombing uberstar from the CBC in the 70's and early 80's, Bruno Gerussi!! Many Canadian visitors will fondly remember the long-running CBC TV show "The Beachcombers", featuring the aforementioned Mr. Gerussi as Nick Adonidas, gold-chain adorned "beachcomber" off the west coast, scrounging for the perfect log to drag back to the lumbermill for that juicy finders fee (which was never really stated in the show...was he paid cash? gold chains? tank tops? Nick always had plenty of the latter two, so I'd guess either or both are safe bets). Nick was always in competition with his rascally old beachcombing rival "relic", played by veteran Canadian actor Robert Clothier. Relic was always a bit of a mess, and no matter how hard he tried to swoop down and make off with Nick's...er....log...he was always confounded, and often left drifting off to apparent doom with his boat out of gas and possibly a rabid sea lion chomping at his rudder. The show was on for about 75 years, and it gained a pretty good following, due to it's jaunty theme and the fact that, for a CBC show, it wasn't that bad.

Fewer may remember that Bruno Gerussi had a spin-off series that made up for the overall quality of The Beachcombers. "Celebrity Cooks" was a half-hour show that featured Bruno hosting a variety of 70's-era "celebrities", who always tended to be either Pete Barbuti, Orson Bean or Nanette Fabray. Of course, this was a Canadian show, so it also featured the likes of John Allen Cameron, Toller Cranston and Ed Broadbent (only in Canada is the leader of the "third" poltical party considered a celebrity. Come to think of it, compared to a lot of our new politicians, ol' Ed was pretty much on the ball). Bruno was the proud overseer of a magnificently almond-themed studio "kitchen", where he would entertain his guests by imbibing large quantities of wine and looking verile. This book (published in 1979!) is one of the progeny of that show, and I have to admit, aside from the nostalgia aspect of reading Marty Allen's Moussaka recipe, some of the items in there look pretty good. Here's a sample:

Wilf Carter's Crisp Corn Flap Jacks

1 1/3 cups white corn meal
1 1/4 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 cup sifted all-purpose flour
1/4 cup butter
2 cups buttermilk
1-2 eggs

In a bowl, mix corn meal, salt, baking soda and flour. Cut into this, with a pastry blender (?!?), the butter and beat in buttermilk and eggs. Stir this occasionally, but don't overbeat. Cook on a very hot griddle (a drop of water should bounce and splutter). Spoon the batter on to the griddle and cook for 2-3 minutes. Turn only once. Serve hot with maple syrup.

Now if Wilf Carter's Flap Jacks don't sound down-home good enough, the fact the word "splutter" is part of the recipe has to make this one of the best Flap Jack recipes ever! Just saying the name "Flap Jack" fills me with a wholesome warmness that's practically immoral in it's deliciousness. I don't remember ever having seen this particular episode, but I'm sure Wilf (with his Col. Saunders down-south long-ended bow tie and big white hat) and Bruno Gerussi (with his glass of wine and abundant chest hairs) must have been a magnificant culinary combination.

If you try this recipe, please reply to this blog! I'm sure Wilf won't let you down.

Story time part deux

2008-02-12T17:33:00.000-08:00

If anyone read and enjoyed the first "co-op" story that I posted here, get ready because here's another one! And if you didn't like it, well, go away for a while because here's another one....but come on back!! Again, it's the game where one persons starts writing a story, and the next has only the last sentence to build on.

Bob and the Purple Lady (again, bolded segments are my amazing beautiful girlfriend's contributions, the other junk is mine!!)

Bob the astronaut was proud of his profession. Proud that he was part of a very small group of scientists and technicians to have left the earth's atmosphere. Proud in his role in the building of the international space station now orbiting the planet. But most of all, Bob was proud of his space suit. Bob wore it everywhere....to the base, to the grocery store, to the bowling alley. many people thought Bob was obsessed with his spacesuit. And they were probably right. Bob probably would have continued tobe obsessed with the shiney whiteness of his space suit for years.

Until he saw....her!!

Then, all else ceased to matter to him. her purple, sparkley gown, her white and purple hair, her revolving scalp, her vacant smile. he stood, mesmerized as she approached him.

"Excuse me, but could you please tell me how to get to the laundromat?" She asked.

"Uum" he said

Then silence

He woke up several hours later. Looking around, he discovered that he was lying naked in a field, among a herd of dairy cows. "Holsteins" he said to himself, ironically. Weaving a pair of maekshift shorts from an assortment of grasses, he made his way towards the mooing herd towards a farm house. "I may look suspicious" he thought to himself. "I'd better divert the home owners with a clever ruse"> Locating a tire swing, he grabbed the end of a rope and climbed to a high branch in the tree. With a yell of "Aaaaeeeeyyaaaaahh" he beat his chest and swung towards a window.

In a flurry of glass and smashed window pane, he hurtled into the house.

The purple goddess followed, carefully avoiding the pointy shards. They dashed into the bedroom and began to rip off their clothes, and stuff them into a laundry bag.

They stood, coolly, regarding each others nakedness

"We really are naked" he said. The moment lasted approximately seven minutes before he reached for the kilt that lay on the floor beside him. Strappingon the kilt and adjusting the sporrin in the front, he yelled "Och" and raced out the door.

Bystanders stood shocked as the kilted figure loped down the street. racing for a phone booth, he frantically called the operator, and asked to be connected to The Embassy. Upon hearing The Embassy staffer say "Hello?", he recited the code that all operatives were required to learn. "Oooh Eee Ooh Ah Ah" he chimed. "Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing bang" the voice responded, just before the line went dead. In less than ten minutes a black limosine with tinted windows drew alongside the phone booth.

Getting into the car, he was shocked to find himself seated next to...

strong>>... an invisible snowman! All that he could see was a carrot bobbing around in the space in front of the headrest, as the snowman prattled on excitedly about the very lucky day he had been having. "First I found a dollar on the ground, and then TWO dollars, then a sandwich which tasted AWESOME. And THEN..."

The car abruptly pulled away from the curb

"Well, I didn;t expect that"> He remarked. Luckily the car deposited him in front of a convenience store. "Finally", he thought, "I can get a bag of Ketchup-flavoured potato chips, and maybe a can of Tahiti Treat." Striding manfully through the store, he quickly located the chips, drink, and one of those little car deodorizers shaped like a pine tree. Clutching his bounty to his chest, he slipped out into the cool night air.

Looking up at the stars, he asked himself "could this be the end of my adventure?"

He was once again surrounded by broken glass, having been smashed throught the windshield of the car upon impacting the mailbox. He had forgotten all about the purple goddess, although the snowman was bleeding invisibly all over the road, soaking everything in sight. As he began spiralling upward toward the brillian stars, he changed his mind. His adventure was just beginning.<strong>

Signs of the northern climes

2008-01-20T15:11:00.001-08:00

Random thought time. Here's a few words or phrases that will identify someone who lives in a northern climate every time (kind of a "you know you're a redneck..." theme, but in this case "you know if you're frostbit..."). Here's a few phrases that will always identify a northerner (strangely enough, most to do with driving conditions).

"What's the windchill?"
"Did you plug in the car?"
"I need a boost"
"I bet I can make it through that snowbank if I just give' er"
"I hope my command start will work from here"
(This one's old and not really relevant any more, but I still like it): "Nuts, the frost shield has a crack in it"
"Oh great, my coat broke" (not torn.....broke)

I think people who live in northern climates take a kind of perverse pleasure out of telling anyone who will listen about the extremes they work through. To tell the truth, I kind of like many parts of winter, except the -40C stuff, which makes me want to call in sick until may and try to live off of "Chicken Delight" delivery. I have to admit, the long nights and endless putting on and taking off of boots, parkas, mitts, touques, scarves and polar fleece get very tiring after a while. What makes it all worthwhile, however, is how you feel when you get the first warmish day of spring. When you step outside and realize you don't have to hunch your shoulders against the cold....birds are singing, snow is melting in rivulets down the street. It's still probably -10C, but you don't care, because by comparison it's semi-tropical. The charge you get out of realizing that winter is over is what it must feel like to get out of jail, or maybe an Adam Sandler movie. It's pure bliss, and everyone and everything you come into contact with is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. Spring. Forget what the calendar says, in this neck of the woods it's only 3 and a half months away. What's that number for Chicken Delight again?

Jive Talk Part 2

2008-01-15T17:49:00.000-08:00

A few months ago when I started this blog, I included some references to a 1940's era giveaway called ther Hepcats Jive Talk Dictionary! I posted some of the references, and said I'd post some more...well, here we go. Enjoy!

Abercrombie- a know it all
Artillery- baked beans
Barbeque- a beautiful girl
Beagle- a frakfurter
College- jail
Crunchy- the pavement
Dickeroo- a policeman
Dreambox- your head
Exodust- to flee
Eye- a detective
Feelers- your fingers
Flippers- your ears
Gammin- to strut
Goola- a piano
Headache- the wife
Homey-someone from your home town (see, it's not that new!!)
Icky-conservative person
Ivories- dice or piano keys ("tickle the ivories on the Goola, Jack!")
Jackson- form of salutation
Jiver- hepcat who knows the ropes
Kicks- a pair of shoes
Kong- an inferior drink
Leaky- one who talks too much
Lip- an attorney
Make-to win the affections of the opposite sex
Muggin- to make facial gestures/ or attack
Napoleon- one with grandiose ideas
Nurse- a stingy person
Oats- enthusiasm
Oiler- a fighter
Package- a girl
Phoebe- a five on a pair of dice
Righteous- perfect
Roscoe- a gun
Saw- a mean landlady
Smackeroo- a kiss
Tickeration- strutting exhibition
Tin- small change
Uncle- a pawnbroker
Upstairs- blue sky
Vine- suit of clothing
Vocalovely- pretty girl singer
Wolf- a male who stalks women
Wolverine- a female who stalks men
Yam- to dine
Yank- a dentist
Zowie-exclamation of approval

That's all for now-I'll do more again in a while!

Blarfier Than Awesome

2008-01-13T17:32:00.000-08:00

Ok, this one has me stumped. Has ANYONE ever heard of a game called "Blarf?" I know, it sounds like the greatest game ever (even though it sounds like the result of a college frat party). To be honest, before my girlfriend purchased this, I had no idea this thing existed! According to the box, "Blarf" included the "challenge of Chess" with the "simplicity of checkers" and a "super dash of Fun!!" (Not just a regular dash, mind you. That's for wimpier games. "Blarf" demands no less than a "Super" dash.)

Now you're reading a blog of someone who watches old toy commercials for fun. I can sing the "Trouble" jingle backwards and forwards ("wait, don't run!")I still play Monopoly with old original wooden hotels, houses and tokens (anyone remember the egg cup? the milk bottle?) But I have NEVER seen or heard of "Blarf" before this weekend. The troublesome thing is, The name is so darn catchy, I find I am seeing and hearing "Blarf" everywhere. Smokey Robinson singing "Blarf Machine". Reading Stephen King's "Needful Blarfs". Watching "Blarf Trek" on TV. And I thought the Smurfs were bad

Better Than Awesome: co-op story writing

2008-01-13T16:53:00.000-08:00

Want a great way to fill part of an evening in a creative, and potentially twisted way? Write a co-op story with one or more people. This isn't a really new idea, but it's a heck of a lot of fun. Each person writes a paragraph of a story, the next person only sees the final sentence and writes another paragraph, and so on. You can end it whenever you want and two or more can play. Here's a bit of weirdness my girlfriend and I created this weekend. When an author alternated, the text goes bold (I started the story, so you can see my girlfriend has all the writing talent). Each paragraph ends with the single sentence the other author saw. Hope you enjoy it!

Strongathan the strong man sat pensively. He read the pamphlet again, for the fourth or fifth time, but the words never changed. The Strawberry Girl was returning. A small salty tear traced it's way down his mighty cheek. The last time he had seen Strawberry girl was when she was stepping aboard the train with the Blue Man. Strongathan recalled the ache in his heart in watching her board the traing.

And he remembered the faint surge of hope as his eyes met Strawberry Girls one last time.

But, that time was meant to run out eventually, and it did. Time does, you know. But his skin was tingling, and he knew it was time to move on. He was a mover...and a shaker...and a rattler... a rattlesnake. A real snake in the grass, all right. But yet, his love for Strawberry was genuine enough. Her sparkling eyes set his heart aflame....but he was afraid of fire...

...yes, afraid...

And yet, he knew his wits and nudity saved him in the past. He would need to rely on them again. Picking up a branch of a tree that had been struck off by a recent lightening storm, he crept through the undergrowth that surrounded the theatre. Using his psychic powers, he willed the lock on the stage door to open, and with a creak of rusty hinges, the door opened.

Clutching the wet branch, he stepped into the darkness.

His apprehension only served to heighten his desire...for her. The darkness wrapped around him like a cloak. He made his way further and further into the darkness, and memory. Memories of happy Strawberry times, times of lightness and delight. But now, however, he had to stand in the dark and immerse himself in the darkness of his very soul. He slapped himself in the face a few times with the wet branch, in order to keep his concentration sharp.

For he had a promise to fulfill...
Packing his suitcase, he boarded the next Transatlantic flight to England. he cleared customs with little difficulty, but at some point, he misplaced his duty-free bottle of gin. Inquiries at the information desk yielded blank stares and shaking heads, which infuriated him more. "Bloody English", he thought. Still, he couldn't wait for his first breakfast of fried bread and baked beans. Calling for a cab, he sat silently as he was whisked towards London. The cabby was mercifully silent, and the ride uneventful.

Until he smelled smoke filling the back of the car.

With David Bowie warbling on the radio, he began to roll down the window, but his strength was ebbing. "Fame..." David uttered, but our hero was on the verge of unconciousness. A sweet blackness like dark chocolate, like Iman....he was beginning to hallucinate. If only he could get the window to open. Perhaps he could chew it open? Or use his unusual powers.

His powerful mind powers....
Inexplicabley failed! The women were all still wearing their clothes. Without missing a beat, he stripped off his shirts and yelled "Drop 'em ladies, your love sheik has parked his camel!" Amid the flurry of flying clothing and the shrieks of delight, an unwelcome shape rose up behind him. It was Strongathan! Looking for vengance! "Now I have you", the cross-dressing beast shouted, "and I'll show you what happens when you try to mess with a union member!" Reaching out one massive hand, he extinguised the light.

I the darkness, he waited for the end to come.

A single drop kept dripping, over and over in the corner. He attempted to align his heartbeat with the rhythm of the drip...when suddenly, david Bowie burst onto the scene, having buzzed a hole in the wall with a chainsaw. "Surprise!" he cried.

The scene evaporated in a rainbow of smootches.

As you can see, it's usually pretty silly but great fun-try it out!!

Better than Awesome moments

2008-01-12T15:29:00.000-08:00

If you ever want to feel "Better Than Awesome", try this: dancing to the Smokey Robinson/ Miracles hit "Love Machine" in your living room, with the blinds open and the lights on. If anyone can get you into the "who gives a toot" mood, it's Smokey.

Worst....Lyrics....Ever????

2008-01-12T15:00:00.001-08:00

Further to: annoying songs. I unfortunately remembered the "hit" by songstress Patsy Gallant, "From New York to LA" here's how it started:

In my mind there's a face
On my lips, there's a name
In my life, there's no place
For the man that I love
'Cause I'm livin' my life
Just to sing and be free
From L.A. to New York
From New York to L.A.

I suppose what makes this song less than Awesome, is the fact I remember a Canadian Content TV show on CTV that featured the one-dimensional and strangely-faced Patsy singing her "hit" at the start and finish of EVERY SHOW!!!! At the time, of course, she was neither a star in New York, L.A. nor even Medicine Hat. I still shudder at the hideous vision of somewhat boney Patsy strutting across a sound stage in Toronto, feebly trying to convince the viewers that she was "hip" and "relevant" in her sparkley disco gowns, while the rest of the world was listening to The Clash.

Ever a reason to destroy brain cells....Patsy Gallant singing "From new York to L.A."

Hot News!!

2008-01-06T20:27:00.001-08:00

For those who may enjoy my witty musings, you can now wear them on a T-shirt! Just go to:

www.cafepress.com/btawesome

...to see my selection-it's not much to start with, but stock will change and the site will get better all the time! Thanks for having a look!

Madness inducing songs

2008-01-03T18:27:00.000-08:00

Everyone at some time has had a song stuck in their head. It's often a maddening tune that you didn't pay more than a passing attention to initially, but that has flitted endlessly in your mind, like some kind of psychic border collie, drooling and leaping, saying "look at me, look at me", until you are forced to give it your full attention while it stops to inspect it's psychic privates. If you are at all squeamish about this kind of thing, I'd advise not reading further.

HOWEVER, if you have a clueless friend or aquaintence that thinks it's amusing to endlessly discharge their false teeth in public, or perform their armpit version of Ave Maria whilst visiting the Vatican, and CAN'T TAKE A HINT THAT NO-ONE IS INTERESTED....then dropping one of these musical depth charges may be the cure you are looking for. Sing the song, hum the tune, heck even just mention the names of some of these tunes, and you'll send the listener on a veritable Love Boat cruise of practical agony. Sure, it may seem a little harsh, but extreme situations call for extreme measures. Here are some of my suggestions:

The Rainbow Connection-Kermit the frog strums, we groan
The Candyman-can he?? I wish he wouldn't
The old Rice Krispies commercial-ok, this is pretty obscure, but there was an old commercial featuring the three elves singing a jazzy little number about how "Pop" makes the world go round-snappy the first time you hear it, until it's repeated for about the 400th time
The Wedding Song-by Joey Gregorash
Moody Manitoba Morning-"nothing ever happens....it never does"

There are plenty of others, so I thought I'd ask anyone who happens to read this to contribuet their own suggestions. remember-the only way to get rid of these things is to pass them on to someone else!!

Check Out My Links

2007-12-28T12:52:00.000-08:00

Hi All,

After several months of off-and-on maintenance of my blog, I've finally started to learn how to use this thing. Please check out some of the cool links I've added! I've tried to make them as "family friendly" as possible, but the link to the Book Scans are sets of covers from old 50's pulp fiction books (example shown here)-probably tame by today's standards, but a bit "lurid" for the younger viewer nevertheless-so beware! Otherwise, these are just a few links to some sites I personally think are pretty cool. I've mentioned one or two of these places in past blogs, so please take a look around, and I hope you enjoy them!

Better Than Awesome-Game from the Past!

2007-12-26T08:51:00.000-08:00

Did you ever have a favorite toy or game as a child that you wished you could have again? That happened to me this year-I was strolling through an antique market (yeah I know, nothing more macho than "antiquing") and I saw an edition of a game I had and loved as a kid-it was called "Green Ghost"- a glow in the dark game that was so cool I practically wet myself each time I played it (or was that the bladder problem???). The game was played by up to four players on a raised, glow-in-the-dark board. Players could be either a black cat, a rat, a vulture or a bat. The goal of the game was to move around the board and pick up keys to "crypts" that contained little ghosts (now you understand why the board was raised!!). Players moved by spinning this uber-cool Green Ghost spinner, that made a really annoying "clatter" sound (this is pictured, with box and a feline interloper into the photo!!) There were twelve little ghosts to collect-once they are all collected, they are placed at the base of the annoy-o-matic Ghost spinner which is spun to select a ghost. If it's your ghost, you win! (in the instructions, "Green Ghost" is looking for his son, "Kelly"-all the little ghosts have names associated with the colour green).

Now I know what you're thinking, other than " a grown man likes "antiquing"? Isn't that what Principal Skinner does?" You're thinking This is so cool, but is it really "better than awesome?". Well, when you play the game, it's played in the dark, so all you can see is the glow-in-the-dark playing surface and the Green Ghost spinner. BUT....when you reach into each crypt to "blindly" grab a ghost, you also have to deal with the weird unseen goob you've just stuck your hand into! Priceless!!

In the original game, they supplied "creepy" things like "snakes" (little strips of rubber) "bones" (little bits of plastic) and "feathers" (feathers). I admit, when you're a kid the feathers were kind of creepy, but you really had to push it to be frightened by the broken elastic bands or bits of plastic. NOWADAYS, however, technology and the modern kitchen promises to make "Green Ghost" the uber-sensational game it always promised to be! Imagine switching the contents of the crypts throughout the game?? Toy stores sell some magnificent green ooze; cold spagetti in oil would make FANTASTIC snakes-the potential for Green Ghost to make a comeback is almost unparalleled!

The original game was made by a company called "Transogram", which I imagine doesn't exist any more. Is the copyright available out there somewhere?? Could this be the resurgance of Green Ghost?? If anyone has a little time and initiative, it could be the gooby little gold mine you've always wanted-Green Ghost- a game that is truly-"Better Than Awesome"

Rememberance Day

2007-11-11T09:16:00.000-08:00

I cried this morning at 11am. That was when our nation observed a moment of silence for those killed and wounded in wars, past and present. I seem to be getting more and more emotional about this day each year, and to tell the truth, I was considering not putting myself through the emotional stress of watching aging veterans sadly recalling lost friends and terrifying ordeals, and hearing the plaintive strains of the "last post" played by a current member of the Armed Forces.

What made we watch, and inevitably cry, over the national Rememberance Day ceremony, was the desire to avoid falling into the trap that I fear is rapidly overtaking my country. The trap is believing that avoiding an issue can make it go away, and if the issue is unpleasant, avoidance becoming a virtue. It becomes a virtue if it is "spun" as diplomacy, or fairness, or righteousness.

There is no denying that war is a horrible thing, and absolutely should be avoided if at all possible. Citizens are always wise to question their leaders if they wish to take them into a war, and have the right to demand proof of the necessity of this decision. Citizens also have the responsibility, however, to be able to recognize when the only honorable decision to make, is to take on the horrible task of war. To avoid doing this, and indeed to try to depict the avoidance as some form of "courage", is worse than cowardace. I think the philosopher John Stewart Mill said it best:

"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest thing. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. A man who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing he cares about more than his personal safety, is a miserable creature who has no chance of being free, unless kept so by the exertions of better men than himself."

Last week in Afghanistan, members of the Taliban detonated a bomb next to a school that was being visited by a government minister. Young children were torn to shreds, and many Afghan families were left to mourn the loss of innocent lives.

War is a horrible thing, that needs to be avoided, if at all possible. It is considered by many to be a "virtue" to believe that there is no such thing as a "just" war, and that combat needs to be avoided at all costs. To those people I ask-what part of this event, and many others like it, is acceptable to you? Why do you consider it "courageous" to not want to oppose this?

I admit, I am now probably too old and fat to risk military service myself, unless an aggresive force marches down the main street of my home town, and even then I probably wouldn't be much use in fighting them off. I haven't had a close relative or friend die in military conflict, though some have served in past wars, so I can't personally speak to the pain of losing a loved one in a war. I guess I am asking- as bad as war is, is there something even worse? Is the "trap" of personal comfort and emotional distance making us lose our ability to recognize that, ultimately, there is such a thing as "right" and "wrong"? Maybe that's why I decided to take the infinitely tiny step of watching the Rememberance Day service this morning, despite the fact I knew it would make me sad. I want to remember that there is such a thing as the right thing to do. Sure, I probably don't have much courage or resolve in most parts of my life, but at least I still have the desire to want to see some good in the world. I guess that's my mustard seed.

Super Friends

2007-10-01T20:00:00.000-07:00

Remember the old cartoon the Super Friends? Earth's mightiest super heroes, Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman and flunky boy (ok, "Robin" to all the pureists) and Aquaman, all hung around the Hall of Justice, plucking loose change from the reflective pond, waiting for some "democratically elected" leader to call with the emergency of the day ("Super Friends, help, my goiter is threatening the entire city!").

Before you could say "what the...?", the Super Friends were off, with bass profundo voices boasting about how they must stop this evil goiter from spreading. There went Superman, who probably should have been able to take care of it himself, but felt obliged to include his "lame-o compared to Superman" buds in the action. There went Wonder Woman, flying in her invisible jet, never quite realizing that she was still visible inside the cockpit ("hey, just how does she fly in a seated position?", slack-jawed on-lookers would say) Batman and doofus would usually try some kind of technologically sophisticated way of dealing with the goiter from hell, usually by tossing bat-a-rangs in the general vicinity. And Aquaman. Ah, poor Aquaman. The show's writer's never seems to come up with underwater dangers, so bubbles had to keep busy by using his "telepathic fish control" to sort the denizens of the deep by size and colour until the episode was nearly over.

The show was incredibly poorly drawn and animated, probably so the kids watching would think "I've drawn Superman better in the margins of my math homework, I'll bet I could be an animator too!" Really, though, Supe's head seems to expand and contract at times, and Aquaman often looks like he broke his knees in a tragic slip-and-fall in the Hall of Justice potty.

What really agrivated were the "stories", which were written at the time when Saturday morning cartoons were being made "safe" for all the little moron children of North America. "Safe", of course, meant watered down and predictable, as legislators and censors thought that including drama or action in a kids show would detract from their desire to check out the latest toy or breakfast cereal commercials. What we ended up with were plot devices like this one.

Picture this, Lex Luthor, Superman's arch-nemesis, has used his evil genius power to trap nearly all the Super Friends. He has devised a handy portable device to electronicaly cage them, and he has suceeded beyond his wildest dreams. Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Batman, other guy, even the "wonder twins", two lavender-clad aliens who did things like "form the shape of water" and "become a pelican", obstensively to make Aquaman look useful by comparison. The wonder twits also had some kind of space monkey, for whom the less said, the beter. All Lex has to to is trap Superman, who is off-planet in this episode enabling some other cosmic co-dependant. But does Lex just wait and trap Superman when he comes back??? Of course not! Not seeing Superman anywhere near by, he says "I guess I won't need this anymore, and tosses the handy device away!!!!

Of course anyone can predict the ending. Superman flies back, frees his friends and makes Was there some kind of lesson I missed? No-one could tell, as the final scene was always the Super Dudes back at the Hall of Justice, making some kind of crack at the space-monkey's expense. I guess he did have some kind of use after all.

Better than awesome elections

2007-10-01T19:33:00.000-07:00

Remember when news anchor Kent Brockman said on The Simpsons, "I said it before and I'll say it again....democracy just doesn't work"? Funny stuff, for sure, but like all good humor, there's a ring of truth to it. Most philosophical types will happily admit that the weakness of any democratic system of government, is that the people who actually seek power are most often the type of people who you wouldn't want running a tilt-a-whirl ride at your local fair.

Then I was struck. Struck first by the cat, who thought it would be amusing to hear the sound I make when she jumps unannounced onto my groin (for the record, that sound is "hnnngh"). Then I was struck by the thought of conscripted democratic leadership. Why are we wasting money on elections for people no-one trusts, when we can just force some kind and wise person to lead us for four years? Oh sure, the milque-toasts out there will whine about how you can't impose on someone's "freedom of choice", but I say if someone is unlucky enough to be wise, calm and rational, they should suck it up and lead the country for a single, four-year term. They wouldn't have to worry about re-election because a) they were never elected in the first place and b) after four years they'll be replaced. Conscripted Democratic Leadership. Think about it.

Payback...Better than...??

2007-09-12T17:59:00.000-07:00

It's the next week, and all I can say is...

Bombers 34
Riders 15

Go Blue!

Taking one on the chin-but there's still some awesomeness

2007-09-06T16:55:00.001-07:00

If anyone reading this is a sports fan, then they know the "agony of defeat" can be pretty hard to digest, and especially hard to find something positive in the experience. This just happened to me last Sunday in Regina, Saskatchewan at the annual Labout Day weekend game between the Saskatchewan Roughriders (boooo!) and the Winnipeg Blue Bombers (huzzah!). The nature of their rivalry is entirely too long to go into right now. Needless to say, the passion that their fans feel for their teams, especially on Labour Day, is unsurpassed anywhere else in sports. Oh I know there are great college and professional rivalries, many of them as good as the Rider/Bomber rivalry, but unless you actually sit in the stands of either the Labour day Classic in Regina(aka to Bomber fans as "green hell"), or the re-match one week later in Winnipeg (aka the "Banjo Bowl"-more on that later), then you can't really appreciate the undercurrent of awesomeness that you experience.

Oh sure, there are wild fans in the stands. Plenty of face and body paint (Blue or Green, whichever team you are loyal too), costumes, signs, endless digs at the opposition team, city, province and parentage (T-shirt spotted on a group of Bomber fans..."I could have been a Rider fan....but my parents weren't related"-hence the re-match being called the "Banjo Bowl"). There's plenty of beer, food, loud music, bravado, and sauciness to go around. pretty much like many other sports events.

What makes this rivalry a little different these days, however, is the core of respect that the fans, for the most part, show to each other. Even though my team lost, and I had to endure a hot, stuffy, and boisterous bus ride away from the stadium, being the only person wearing the big blue "W" on his chest, no-one harassed me. Oh sure, there was plenty of drunken singing ("let's paint the world green, do ya know what I mean"...try listening to THAT for 45 minutes), hooting, dancing and assorted carryings-on, but not one Rider fan felt they had license to mock or insult me (let alone take a punch or tip and burn a car). I actually had a number of them comisserating over the close loss (in the last 6 seconds of the game...*sniff*), and admiring the fact that I was willing to stand up for my team win or lose.

So here's the Rider and Bomber fans who still haven't forgotten that you can love your team, and not need to tear down the other guy. That at the end of the day, the game is just a game, and that being a fan doesn't need to involve property damage. The true spirit of being a sports fan is... better than awesome

But we're still going to whup some Rider butt next week.

Better Than Awesome-hiking!

2007-09-06T16:27:00.000-07:00

Hey, it's September! What better time to take directionless hikes through the woods, getting "in touch" with a nature that humanity has spent 11,000 years trying to avoid? Attached is a photo I just took today in Bird's Hill Park, which is a little north of Winnipeg, Manitoba. This particular view is along something called the "chickadee trail" (other choices were the "cedar bog" trail... "tell your kids you love them....drag them through a bog-today!" the "lime kiln" trail, and the "Bridle-path" trail). I have to admit I'd be hard-pressed to point out a "chickadee" in a police line-up, but the walk was rejuvenating (i.e., it left me wondering how I could get cramps in parts of my legs I didn't even know existed).However, I have no regrets. it was a great way to spend an afternoon, and I didn't have to feel guilty looking out at the lawn work that was being avoided.

So why not turn off the computer (after you read and responded to my other posts, of course....I'm trying to attract a sponsor), get out of the house and find a park to gambol through!

Better Than Awesome....Cranberries??

2007-08-13T19:29:00.000-07:00

First of all, let me make it clear that I'm not using this particular blog to gloat about my own children, my friends' children, or any children I may have randomly come in contact with in my life. What I would like to do is point out a couple of pictures that easily fall into the category of "Better than Awesome".

Recently, my girlfriend and I had the opportunity to travel through Wisconsin (if you've read the previous posts, then you're already aware of that 'Better than Awesome" restaurant, the "Safe House"). Wisconsin in a marvelous state, full of beautiful lakes, forests, cheese factories and the greatest concentration of "big box" porn stores I've ever seen. I'm not one to frequent that type of establishment, but I admit we were sorely tempted to buy something, anything, to get a shopping bag that I could carry my lunch in to work ("what d'you have there, Bob's Boobie Barn??") Anyway, in our meanderings (if you look up the origin of the word "meander", you'll find it's a form of decoration on ancient Greek pottery. Drop THAT at your next cocktail party)

Anyway, in our travels we passed a sign advertising a place called the "Cranberry Discovery Center" (check out it's ultra-cool web site: www.discovercranberries.com). What is there to discover about Cranberries, you may ask? Did you know that Cranberries bounce when they're fresh (yes, just like some interns on Capitol Hill)? Did you know that Cranberry alarms will sound if the berries are in danger from ill temperature or, I imagine, a lack of vodka? The Cranberry Discovery Center has that, and a lot more!

What made the CDC (as no-one particularly calls it) "better than awesome", was it's collection of drawings that some local grade 4 kids drew, the best two I've reproduced at the top of the page. Our personal favorite is the "American Gothic" cranberries. Their expressions seem to say "help! we're supposed to take care of this farm, but we're just freakishly large Cranberries! I don't even know how this pitchfork got propped against the side of my body! Who's going to soudn the alarm?"

The other one, Elvis Cranberry, just doesn't need any explanation. Elvis, as any Renaissance person can tell you, can make anything cool. However, mixing the motifs of "the King" and "the Berry", was a stroke of genius from some plucky Grade 4 student in Wisconsin.

So here's to the highly creative, slightly demented school children of Wisconsin!! Easily....Better Than Awesome!!

Better Than Awesome Toys!

2007-07-22T09:08:00.000-07:00

Growing up we probably all had one or two toys that we loved over and above anything else we had to play with. I'm going to come back to this topic again, because the world of toys tends to get under-rated and under-appreciated as we are told we have to "grow up". Then one day we wake up and wonder whatever happened to that thing that used to give you so much joy? It may have been a new pack of pencil crayons, the feel and smell of sharpening them for the first time, deliberately choosing colours for your first picture drawn with a new pack.

It could have been the new velvet "doodle art", with the felt pens that always ran out of ink just before you finished the childhood equivalent of a Jimmy Hendrix experience.

Maybe it was that slinky that you thought was so cool (hint: hold one end of a metal slinky to your ear and let the other end drop to the floor-you get the perfect "lazer beam" sound effect!!)

It could easily have been the box of lego that you would dearly love to have again to build an invincible wall around your cubicle at work to keep the number-crunching office dweebs from "motivating" you with empty babble like "work smarter, not harder" or "you can be replaced, you know".

For one childhood buddy, it was the talking G.I. Joe that he took into the bathtub with his bad self. After Joe was immersed, his selection of cool phrases ("Ok men, let's take that hill!!") was reduced to a crackling wheeze along the lines of "chscheeelrooschick-ick-ick-ick-awwwwwwww", transforming him into "sucking chest wound Joe", which was pretty cool in itself.

For me, one toy literally stood head-and shuolder above the rest, he would have to be...."Captain Action" (pictured above).

Don't let the Captain's perpetually dispepsic expression fool you, he was easily the coolest of the cool when it came to "action figures" (don't even think of calling them "dolls"....pu-leeze!! The Captain came to you as a superhero in his own right. He wore a somewhat dorky Captain's cap, but carried an awesomely-lethal-looking lightening sword and lazer pistol. His adversary with the bulgy-eyed "Dr. Evil" (sorry Mike Myers, though I suspect you had these guys yourself when you were a kid!!). Dr Evil flaunted his exposed brain and blue skin, and wore the coolest satin pajamas, sandals and mojo-amulet of any super villian. Alone, these two could wreak havoc across any bedroom, living room or rec room. No sister's Barbie was save fom Evil's clutches, no dog could go unridden by the Captain!

What made these guys the best of the best, however, was that you could buy extra costumes to turn Captain Action into WHATEVER HERO YOU WANTED!!!! Spiderman! Superman! The Green Hornet!!! All you needed was to nag your parents for a few extra bucks to get an ENTIRELY NEW ACTION FIGURE!! The "hand candy" included in each set was awesome as well-guns, swords, miniature laboratories, kryptonite, you name it, it was probably included in the set.

After it's initial release, the makers added the inevitable "sidekick" for the Captain (action boy? kid action? lugubrious lad? if anyone remembers, please post!), that could be dressed as "robin", "kato" etc. I never thoguht much of sidekicks, but I vagely remember having this one-I think he had a pet panther for some reason!!

The Captain never really gained the success of G.I. Joe or Johnny West, quite possibly due to his odd expression, or maybe his "logo" which looked mr like a pleas for recycling than a brave expression of heroism. Whatever, Captain Action will forever remain, in my mind, a toy that was Better Than Awesome!

Better Than Awesome Travel

2007-07-16T17:57:00.001-07:00

I have what some people probably think is an unusual, perhaps strange, occasionally frightening travel philosophy. I like to find places that most people wouldn't consider travelling to, unless there was a wedding, funeral or individual special event they want to attend.

I'm not knocking the traditional travel hot-spots. I think Las Vegas is a blast, provided you go there with the proper attitude. "I'm going to win a fortune" is probably not the proper attitude, while "I'm probably going to be kidney-punched by that senior citizen if I even look at their penny slot machine" is more realistic.

Some vacation spots are, of course, going to be climate related. In the depths of a winter cold enough to render the heartiest brass monkey incomplete, finding a warm tropical beach with accompanying rum-based pacifier makes infinite sense. But when you're looking for a journey into the charming, unusual and unexpected, why not pick some place a little off the beaten track? You'll probably find the city or town you visit has some sort of unexpected charm that will have you smugly celebrating your "discovery" with everyone unfortunate enough to sit next to you on a city bus for the next six months. Anyone can go to the Louvre and see the Mona Lisa ("..it's smaller than I thought it would be, George..."), but how many people visit a Cranberry Interperative Center?

My first nomination for a "Better Than Awesome" destination is none other than the fine city of Minot, North Dakota!!!!

I can tell you're getting inspired, so I'll continue. As you check your maps,you'll see Minot is a compact city in North-central North Dakota. This little gem-on-the-prairies boasts not one, but two city slogans, "The Magic City" and the coyly clever "why-not Minot?". These are obviously superior to most civic slogans, which tend to run along the lethargic line of "it's great!" or "mostly honest". Minot is a pretty town, with more than it's fair share of fine restaurants, local festivals and Lewis & Clark related attractions. Please check out it's web site for specific details: http://www.visitminot.org/

The reason I choose to highlight the Magic City, however, is a personal one. On a trip to Minot a couple of years ago, my girlfriend and I were taking a cab to attend an event at a local hotel. Our Cabbie, who shall remain nameless due to the fact I can't remember his name, was a charming bloke, who started the trip by explaining the origin of a newly-painted mural on the wall behind a gas station (I believe it may have been of Lewis, or perhaps Clark). Our cabbie, as it turns out, was an amateur artist/photographer himself, with a specific fascination for the light-and-shadows under the highways he frequently drove. Our artist cabbie had some examples of his work, and what could have been a dreary cab ride turned out to be an Ingmar Bergman-esque journey through light, shadow and fog, with one brief stop at the "Kum & Go" on the Burdick Expressway. Art didn't just live, it flourished in the eyes and heart of our impressario from Minot City Cab.

Oh sure, there were other reasons to enjoy Minot. The pretty scenery, the friendly people, the great eats at Barry's Food & Fuel. But for me, the "magic" of Minot was seen in the back of that cab.

Try to experience that in Paris.

Better than Awesome Eats

2007-07-12T19:13:00.000-07:00

I'd like to start off by saying, potatoes are simply the best food, ever. I realize for most people this fact is self evident. For the rest of you, get a clue. Potatoes are probably the most flexible, dynamic, nutritious, and simply soul-satisfying food-stuff ever placed on this great planet. Potatoes can be baked, fried, boiled or mashed, and STILL taste like a little slice of heaven with a side order of paradise! Potatoes are good hot, cold, or lukewarm, can be the main dish, side dish or snack, can be topped, chopped, and with gravy be sopped, and never cease to make discriminating biped mammals drool with giddy anticipation.

This being said, finding the "BEST" potatoes ever is a lifelong quest, happily accepted and gladly shared with friends and loved ones. My first nomination for one of the BEST potato experiences ever has to be when visiting that great Milwaukee landmark, the Safe House (logo pictured above).

If you've never been to the Safe House, drop whatever it is you planned to do after reading this blog and race there pronto. I'll need at least one or two more blogs to describe the Better Than Awesome ambience of the place, but for now, I'll have to focus mainly on....their crinkle fries.

Crinkle fries, as most scientists know, are among the best potato configurations for the maximum fry-to-ketchup ratio. Like the folds of the brain, crinkle fries create maximum surface area, combined with the overall stability and aerodymanic property of the linear "fry" shape. When done poorly, the crinkle fry may be a slightly amusing distraction, like a balloon animal or a "Marmaduke" cartoon. Done properly, however, the crinkle fry raises fried potato satisfaction to near divine status. I am pround and honored to say, that the wonderful spud technicians at the Safe House, have raised their crinkle fries to just that height. Crunchy on the outside, hot and mooshy on the inside, delightfully seasoned and presented as part of a number of "theme" meals, these crinkle fires, quite simply, kick ass.

So hail to the safe house and their crinkle fries-easily...Better Than Awesome!

Better Than Awesome Slang

2007-07-09T17:23:00.000-07:00

Remember when slang was creative? You know, not just an endless litany of bodily functions and phonetic spellings, but really fun, creative, genuinely unintelligible-to-the-outsider slang? I'm talking about the slang that Hepsters used back in the 40's.

To be honest, I don't remember ever using this stuff myself. But several years ago I found an intreguing little booklet called the "Hepcats Jive Talk Dictionary" (pictured above). It came out in 1945, published by some group called "the T.W.O Charles Company of Derby Connecticut" (itself a hotbed of Jive, I'm sure). The book was published on a rather cheap newsprint, and illustrated with an assortment of poorly-cropped photos of sigers and musicians, which seem to have been culled from other magazines. The intro just inside the cover asks the reader "Are You Jive Wise?", and proceeds to describe how "Jive Talk" is here to stay (or as they quote, "Webster is Dead, Long Live the Hepster").

Well, unfortunately, Webster rose from the grave, leaving our poor Hespter banished to the trash heap of history. We do, however, have this great little reference to amuse and educate ourselves! I'm guessing that by the time this little gem came out, "Jive talk" was already waning as a trend, and our friends at T.W.O Charles were looking to cash in while there was still time.

I'm going to be sharing some of this dictionary from time to time, so keep checking back, and you'll improve your Jive lexicon. Let's start with a few geographical references. Class...button your zoot suits and repeat after me:

Lush Lamb from Alabam- a sucker
Noisy from Boise- a big mouth
Flooga from Chattanooga- a ne'er do well
Square from Delaware- what else? a square!!
Leery from Erie- a skeptic
Giver from Fall River- a miser
Sad Sacks from Halifax- Canadian Soldiers
Flersy from Jersey- a giddy, addled girl
Pill from Louisville- a doctor
Swing Sway from Mandalay- a "cooch dancer"-we'll look at that one again later!!
Bucket from Nantucket- a heavy drinker
O Ma from Omaha- a motherly woman
Wreck from Quebec- a weakling
Skunk from Podunk- an objectionable male
Chassis from Tallahassee- what do you think? also called a gal with a "coke frame"
Fuse from Vera Cruz- a hot jiver
Frails from Wales- any non-American female
Conkers from Yonkers-muggers

Richard Kiel-Better Than Awesome!

2007-07-08T12:42:00.001-07:00

I think it's safe to say that actor Richard Kiel easily qualifies as being "Better Than Awesome!"

What can you say about a guy who's 7'2" and is one of the nicest guys I've ever met. This picture is from a recent horror movie conference (more on that later) where I met the big dude. He was happy to talk about his great career in movies and TV, sign autographs, and crush my head!

Movies are too dominated by cookie-cutter "beautiful" people who all look alike. me, I'd rather watch character actors who stand out from the crowd (and believe me, Richard Kiel has no problem standing out)! Thanks Richard! You make every movie or TV show you are in.....better than awesome!

Better Than Awesome!

2007-07-08T12:28:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my Blog!

There's going to be a theme to this site. I'm going to post examples of what I think are people, places, things and events that are...."Better than Awesome"!!!

What constitutes "better than awesome?" Things that aren't necessarily famous, popular, well known or trendy, but which always make you feel like saying "damn....that was really awesome!"

"Better than Awesome" exists everywhere, but since I'm going to be working off of personal experience, you're going to read about stuff you'll find in north-central North America (how's that for non-specificity?)

I'll also suggest some of the "anti-awesome" that fouls our day to day life, and, of course, invite comments and suggestions.

That's about it. I hope you get a kick out of reading my blog. Let the awesome begin!

-Paul